Am I being neurotic?

[Chunkychips23]

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

OMFG, there’s so much wrong here! You’re in-laws don’t get a say in how you feed your baby!
They won’t allow you in the cool room or to have a blow up paddling pool in the garden - what??

Are they Lord and Lady of a Manor House or something?

Op, why doesn’t your DH take your toddler. You stay at home with your newborn and say the truth which is you’ve recovering from birth and not up to it.

I'd go in the morning and say you will go home for the hottest part of the day, mid day for kids to nap in the cool and then maybe come back in the late afternoon. If its not too far that is.

as your in-laws apparently seem to be so completely inflexible and unaware of the needs of your toddler and newborn plus yourself, and your husband seems to be in La La Land over the effect of the heat on you, or I would my foot down, not go and send him on his own. Alternatively, if you feel you must make an appearance I would go for the morning only, drive yourself and the little ones home and leave him to make his own arrangements to get back.

First post nails it!

And I don't understand how they can be anti breastfeeding 🙈

This was my mother’s thoughts too. She’s never forgiven me for bf my children. They walk among us unfortunately.

By the sounds of it, can he be trusted with a toddler in the heat?

Perhaps he knows the RSPCA would be down on him like a ton of hot bricks if he did.

He doesn't think anyone minds about humans.

I’d launch into excruciating detail about how you don’t think you’re fully recovered, mention tear, wound, infected, heat, chafing, sore, weeping, sitting on a towel, discharge … I’m telling you, you’ll get a hall pass for you and the baby and H can take the toddler.

I completely agree with this OP ..
Being honest I 💯 wouldn’t go at all , I’m sorry these are your in laws , they sound like awful individual’s, & that’s being completely honest ..
I would not be budging from home in heat like that with a 6 week old baby & toddler ..
No way !
So unfair to even expect it ..
I really can’t get my head around your husband’s family..
They should care more for their grandchildren, & have their, & your best interests at heart ….x

I just wouldn’t be entertaining this full stop. You are recovering from birth. If any family want to meet the baby they come to you.

DH goes on his own. Although how you can stomach being married to someone so spineless escapes me. Eurrgghh, the whole lot of them are absolute pricks.

Your in law’s sound horrible but your dh sounds spineless. Ultimately you’ve been accommodating in agreeing to come, despite having only recently given birth, not being healed and knowing you’ll be made to feel uncomfortable for feeding your baby. If they aren’t willing to take on board your suggestions I’d be telling dh you won’t be coming. You can add that while you understand he’ll never advocate for you and his children when it comes to his parents, you’ll always advocate for yourself and your children.

You are not being neurotic or unreasonable - your husband and his family are. I understand it is a difficult family dynamic but you are more than entitled to consideration and care, for you and baby, having so recently given birth - and looking after a toddler as well. I would point that out in no uncertain terms to your husband and let him like or lump whatever decision you arrive at to suit you and the children.

During the recent heat wave I filled some bottles with water and put them in the freezer for the purpose of keeping cool. It worked very well as the bottles stayed cool for several hours in use. Perhaps you could adapt that idea

Your in laws are neurotic and your husband is pathetic for not sticking up for you. On this occasion I’d keep the baby home but in a longer term view I’d go and visit them once your baby is crawling and let your toddler and baby run wild. Encourage them to puke on the lawn, break the China and run with muddy shoes all over the lounge. Then get your boobs out and breastfeed both of them in front of the neighbours. That will take care of the in laws. Your DH is another story. Good luck and be strong. Seriously, you should NOT be having to deal with this at 6 weeks pp. Don’t be bullied.

I wouldn’t go at all. Let DH go, he can’t force you into the car? Your PILs are completely unreasonable and need to be stood up to. This is the ideal opportunity.

Your DP is trying to minimise how you feel by calling you names.

I wouldn’t want to go cos because if the breast feeding and being 6 weeks pp. And they sound painful… no paddling pool, no to the cooler room - no thank you.

Can he take toddler and you can stay at home? Or go separate and leave after an hour with baby.

his parents live in the middle of nowhere so if we go, I’m forced to stay.

no no no no - NO !!

You either don’t go at all, or you just go for the morning.

He can make his own way home.

Don't budge,

Thanks all for your input.

i don’t think he gets it as he’s not had to deal with the kids during a heatwave yet. He’s been in an air conditioned office and when he comes home, it’s cooler and the kids calmer.

He’s very rigid when it comes to his family. It’s bizarre to witness. He’d rather risk our discomfort than say no to his mother. She came over 24hrs postpartum eventhough I said I needed that day at home to have some breathing space, after a gruelling & then life threatening birth. Sat chilling on my sofa ALL day, whilst my husband hosted them both. My FIL was uncomfortable, so busied himself repairing things, trying to be helpful. I don’t blame him. I don’t think he likes any of them either 😂

I’ve said we either go mid morning and come back when it starts getting too hot or not at all. He can stay if he wants and I’ll happily get a taxi back and charge it to his card.

The only reason I’m still entertaining it is due to the fact he’s got close family coming who he won’t see again for another 6 months, plus the added milestone birthdays. Otherwise all of them could do one tbh.

You have a DH problem.

Continue to do what’s best for you and the DC.

YANBU and your husband is also a tosser.

As is often said on Mumsnet, you have a DH problem not an in-law problem. So he just strops off does he? He sounds like a complete tosser. What possessed you to have another baby with this man child? Give me five minutes with him and I'll enlighten him.

Hes got some issues which he really needs to talk to a therapist about it, as it’s impacting my children now. He can start with his mummy issues. Although I do have sympathy for him for some of it, putting his parents wants above the needs of his children is a piss take and inexcusable.

I’m going to feed my newborn in the car with the air con on. Keeps us both comfortable and stops his mother following me around to check I’m actually feeding my baby and not just ‘hogging’

Yes well, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him OP. Men are like black holes when it comes to sympathy, there's never enough for them and they'll suck you right in to it. Your children (and you) come first. I wish someone had told the younger me this.

I would hesitate even now if I were you. They want people to meet the new baby. Very commendable, but is it wise to expose a new baby to lots of different people in a heatwave which is probably making them sweat and harbour infections?

They may even criticise you for allowing it to happen, perhaps even hoping you do, so they can turn on you. Believe me there are negativistic folk.

Why don't you explain that the new baby cannot cope with the hot weather, and ask them if they would kindly come and visit in small groups in cooler weather, to welcome the new life, so that it isn't so confusing to the infant..

Hogging? Errr…nursing your baby? They should be ashamed of themselves. So lucky with my laws who used to let me crack on at their house carried on chatting ignoring what I was doing (in the nicest way) while I fed the little ones, no fuss, just brought me a glass of water without asking. I do the same with Dsds. I hope your DH gets help because this controlling, influencing behaviour needs nipping in the bud now before it creeps into other areas of your life. He needs to put HIS family first, and his mother should be proud to see him do it.

Don't let him stay with your toddler as he may not look after him properly during this heat wave and you don't want your lo to get heatstroke considering it's too much trouble to let him play in a paddling pool