Am I being neurotic?

[Chunkychips23]

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

They’ve asked us to bring our fans as they don’t have any 🙄 surprised they’re allowing use of their electricity for them. I’ll be taking my smaller portable fans for me & the kids, as his family won’t think twice about making sure they’re situated in front of them, leaving us to overheat!

I’ve told DH we have 3hrs there and then we’re done. Less if it’s unbearable for the kids and we won’t be leaving the fans behind as his mother has already hinted at.

Going for a short visit sounds like the best solution.

But you need to work on your assertiveness. I would not even have had any of this wrangling because I would say what I was prepared to do and that would be the end of it.

I hope everything goes off ok OP 🤞
I have to go to work & my clothes are already sticking to me & I haven’t even started 😩 …
I’m here in Ireland ..

Update us later , enjoy your day x

Definitely don't leave your fans behind your MIL can get her own, l don't believe the cheek of some people, why did they not purchase some before your visit

I’m starting to think his mother has something on him the way he always refuses to compromise with her. He did after we had an argument about it. If anyone else was unreasonable towards me or even looked at me funny, he’s straight in there. But he’d probably sit back and let his mum strangle me and then provide her with an alibi 😂

Both kids have already started whinging and we’re not even in the car yet. I imagine he’s not going to want to stick around today, especially when mummy starts trying to parent him when he’s parenting the kids!

It’s not funny, it’s awful. You’ve put up with and conceded to far too much with him.

(Regarding his handling of his family and what it shows you about his priorities)

Both kids have already started whinging and we’re not even in the car yet

Why are you putting yourself - and them - through this?

What would you really like to do today? What might the children enjoy doing in this heat?

Do that.

Just take the paddling pool

Your DH couldn't give a shit about his wife or his two small children. He is as bad as his parents with their 'keeping up appearances' mindset.

I can guarantee that if you don't put your foot down, you will have a horrible and upsetting day. I would refuse to go with the children. Just stay at home.

ETA: Neurotic is such a belittling word. It means that you are just being difficult for the sake of it and a bit unhinged and unstable. I think your DH sounds absolutely horrible.

Tell him that his extended family can visit your children when they are hospitalised for heat stroke and dehydration.

What sort of dad puts the wants of his 'keeping up with the Joneses' parents above the needs and safety of his toddler and newborn baby? Is he scared of his parents?

@Chunkychips23 If anyone else was unreasonable towards me or even looked at me funny, he’s straight in there. But he’d probably sit back and let his mum strangle me and then provide her with an alibi

Sorry but that really made me laugh! Having said that I have been in a really similar situation with a family member so I do understand and sincerely sympathise with your frustration.

Leave at the exact moment you wish today and to hell with any doe eyed guilt tripping or bleats of "oh your not leaving already are you?" that might come your way. And for Christ sakes take those fans with you!

Hope your toddler has a lovely afternoon at home playing in their paddling pool.

How did it go, Chips?
Hope the DH was a help to you instead of a hindrance…

I set the fans up in the living room and decanted my toddlers toys onto the carpet. We barely budged from there. FIL kept hovering, but once the older kids all piled in there to keep cool too, he couldn’t really say anything. I think he realised that was a better option than the pre-teens tearing around the rest of the house where he couldn’t see what they were up to.

They didn’t serve the food until well
past when they originally planned to, so we ended up being there far longer than expected, as we went earlier. DH didn’t say anything as per usual. He at least did his share of childcare though. He often sulks in a corner at his family events because he doesn’t want to be there himself. He at least sulked whilst caring for the kids this time!

So your husband doesn’t even want to be there yet you still go, why?

I ask him that very question and he completely refuses to answer. Just stonewalls. I’m starting to think she helped him cover up a crime or something the way he always does what she wants

There’s one thing agreeing to go because you love your husband and he loves his family and enjoys spending time with them but it’s another thing agreeing to go and him being a miserable fucker the whole time.

Just stop going. It’s his family and he can go.

Did y you took of him getting counselling for his “mother” issues or am I imagining it?
This is definitely not normal and not someone that you and the children should have to put up with.

Sounds like hell on earth. I would not subject my babies to an all day heat event. You're a grownup. Do what is best for your children and never mind anyone who disagrees.

Hey hubby, I think I’m starting with mastitis. Really sorry but baby and I can’t go.

I’ve told him to go. He’s not adverse to therapy, he’s been before years ago. I think he either doesn’t realise there’s an issue there with his mother or he’s pretending there isn’t one and doesn’t want to address it. There’s a lot of emotional enmeshment there. He’s her favourite child and the one she calls when she needs emotional support.

You can't go, it's too hot. Maybe your inlaws don't feel the heat much, but you do and your DC certainly do. Sometimes a very kind and sorry 'NO' is the only option.