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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being neurotic?

98 replies

Chunkychips23 · 09/07/2025 13:04

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 09/07/2025 18:05

BernardButlersBra · 09/07/2025 16:48

Only people who sound neurotic in this situation are your in-laws. How can a toddler paddling pool "ruin" a lawn in a couple of hours. I wouldn't go. Husband can if he wants and can take toddler do you aren't landed with the children all day. The in-laws indeed do sound like it's my way or the highway, often with people like this NOTHING is ever right or good enough. As an aside what has your breastfeeding got to do with them?!

MIL is one of those who thinks breastfeeding is selfish and it stops everyone else bonding with a baby because they can’t feed them 🙄

OP posts:
birdling · 09/07/2025 18:14

I wouldn't go at all tbh.
Tell your DH that he can go alone.

moondip · 09/07/2025 18:16

It makes me really sad to think in-laws/husbands/wider family don’t grasp that one really difficult day for a postpartum woman (and her newborn plus toddler) can have more of an impact than that woman missing the event or the event being tailored to her needs somewhat. It’s so selfish. They’re all gonna have a great time in the sun while you’re just gonna be stressed and feel physically and emotionally drained. You are not being neurotic at all, and I honestly would probably be refusing to go if I were in your shoes.

Whatshesaid96 · 09/07/2025 18:16

So DH you expect me to cover up all day in a heatwave whilst breastfeeding our cluster feeding newborn to appease your mum. Or am I going to have to sit on my own in another room to feed, are you responsible for stopping the toddler breaking the door down to get to me? How are you going to stop our toddler from overheating because we aren't allowed a paddling pool? 1

And so on....

BogRollBOGOF · 09/07/2025 18:46

Send DH to see his family on his own.

It's their own fault for being so inflexible and refusing to adapt to the needs of a recovering post-partum mum, new baby and toddler. They're obviously not that bothered about the children if they're like that; young children aren't trophies for display.

Endofyear · 09/07/2025 18:55

Your DH is the problem here - I just wouldn't go if I were you. If his parents can't make any accommodations for a new baby and a toddler in this heat, they can fuck off! Stand your ground and tell him he can go on his own.

Zempy · 09/07/2025 19:02

Yeah just send DH on his own

Snakebite61 · 10/07/2025 18:25

Chunkychips23 · 09/07/2025 13:04

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

Simply turn round and say it's far too hot for the little ones. End of story.

MaddestGranny · 10/07/2025 18:44

are you married to the right man?

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2025 18:51

Is it very far to pil? Could u all go in the morning and you come home with baby and pdh and toddler stay at the party.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/07/2025 18:58

Tell him you'll go for a bit for the morning and say hello but will make your way home with your little ones at a time that suits you. Your health and your kids wellbeing is more important that pandering some distant relatives who want to coo over the baby, particularly as they've made no attempt to consider your needs.

If they really can't understand that you don't owe them anything really.

maryberryslayers · 10/07/2025 19:21

Why can't you just say you're not going? Do you usually have to do what your DH tells you?

Vaxtable · 10/07/2025 19:34

I would simply tell him it’s going to be very hot, the kids won’t manage and nor will you at six weeks PP. therefore you and the kids are not going as he won’t be helping you out and he can go on his own all day

selfish man

CarelessUdder · 10/07/2025 19:36

YANBU - and my apologies because I clicked the wrong button on the vote. You could take some freezer packs in a freezer bag to cool the kids off. And yourself. I wouldn’t go if it was me, but I think you’re probably a better person!

daleylama · 10/07/2025 19:39

Chunkychips23 · 09/07/2025 18:05

MIL is one of those who thinks breastfeeding is selfish and it stops everyone else bonding with a baby because they can’t feed them 🙄

Show quote history

Unbelievable attitude! You're a saint

Whatwouldnanado · 10/07/2025 19:52

Just don’t go. Or turn up with a pop up tent for the toddler to play in. Even the car journey is a lot to expect though. Let DH crack on. Contact the visitors if you like them and invite them to yours one late afternoon to see the little ones before bedtime. Nod, smile and do as you like with MIL she sounds unhinged.

Brokeandold · 10/07/2025 20:01

I would say-we’re not going ( you and your children) at all, your DH can go on his own
Tough to his family, follow your own judgement, who cares what they think , they are not the boss of you nor your DH
This weather is intense, I work in a pre school and the children have not been outside much at all. They wear hats, covered in sun lotion, lots of shaded areas, cold drinks to hand and it’s still far too hot.
In the grand scheme of life, whats one family gathering, there will be plenty.
Our DC are nearly all adults now and when I think back to all the stressful events we attended for “family” -why?
Look after yourself , you need rest and stress free times, you are raising beautiful babies , keep your energy for them only .

CornedBeef451 · 10/07/2025 20:02

Your DH is being an arse. Stay home and do whatever you need to do to stay cool.

llizzie · 10/07/2025 20:10

Chunkychips23 · 09/07/2025 13:04

We’ve got an in-laws family event at the weekend, they’re doing a garden party to celebrate a couple of family birthdays at once. It’s set to be 31/32 degrees on the day.

I have a newborn and a young toddler, neither cope well in the heat. The PIL house is super hot at the best of times and FIL generally isn’t keen on letting people into the cooler lounge as he’s a bit funny about people eating/drinking near his carpets.

The last heatwave was hell on earth with the kids. The toddler was so unhappy all day, clinging to me and my newborn was cluster feeding to try and keep cool. We just sat in our pants all day in front of the fan which made it just about bearable. I’m six weeks postpartum myself and still dealing with the good old sweats as it is, so I will also be uncomfortable. I had a PPH and several tears, so still also recovering. His family are very anti breastfeeding (I posted about this a year ago with my first) so that adds to the issues when my newborn will want to stay permanently latched all day.

I’ve suggested to DH that we just go over in the morning and see his extended family, rather than staying for the food which starts at 1pm. That way we still get to see his family who are staying locally and miss the hottest part of the day. He’s said we have to go for the whole day. He said I’m being neurotic (probably his mums words, as she said that about me not going to a family event after my 1st a couple of weeks after a section with a jaundiced baby) Am I being?

DH doesn’t want to let him mum down as she’s been looking forward to this for months. I understand that completely, but I know my kids are going to be screaming the whole time, hot, overtired (toddler will be missing a nap to go) and uncomfortable. It won’t be DH the kids are clinging to. He just strops off into a corner.

I’ve asked if I can bring the paddling pool at least so the toddler can cool off, but FIL doesn’t want to ruin his lawn. It’s one of those small blow-up ones that only fits a toddler in anyway.

I’d approach MIL directly about this, but our relationship is still a little strained after how she treated me with my first. We’ve started to repair things, but it’s not back at the point where I could talk to her about this. DH struggles to say no to his mum.

AIBU suggesting we just go in the morning?

Or does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep the kids cool in the heat? I’ve got a couple of portable fans.

Not really the advice you asked for, but talking about trying to cope with kids in this heatwave, I put wet flannels in zip bags in the fridge and use them to sponge down to cool off.

Children must not be outside in this heat, even with lotion on, and particularly babies and toddlers. I cannot understand why some parents do not understand how rapidly babies can overheat. They sweat, become dehydrated and their organs break down so fast it is hard to believe.

If you feel the back of the neck of your baby/toddler and if it is hot, the child is TOO warm. It requires instant removal of all clothes and sponging down with a cold flannel. Failure to act fast can cause the child organ failure.

If the back of the baby's neck is cool, the baby is cool too, but that can change rapidly. Never leave a baby or a vulnerable toddler for a minute in hot weather. You cannot leave him in a car seat and 'nip in for a minute': it is that fast.

Amba1998 · 10/07/2025 20:14

I wouldn’t tolerate being called neurotic by my husband. That alone I’d be telling him to fuck off to his mothers alone

MolluscMonday · 10/07/2025 20:19

Do you not drive?

croydon15 · 10/07/2025 21:14

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 09/07/2025 13:39

Couldn't have put it better myself. ☝

I can't work out how a small paddling pool on the lawn for a couple of hours will ruin it. 🤔 It sounds like your PIL are being totally obstructive & unreasonable.

Show quote history

This in this weather a small paddling pool would be beneficial for the lawn.

MaySea · 10/07/2025 21:36

croydon15 · 10/07/2025 21:14

This in this weather a small paddling pool would be beneficial for the lawn.

Show quote history

Exactly! We had a paddling pool out once for weeks in a hot summer. When it was time to put it away it was the only patch of green grass on the whole lawn.

Dogmum6 · 10/07/2025 22:12

I think you have very good reasons to be home in the afternoon. You are a mum and just want to take care of yourself and your baby (and toddler ). Don't let them make you feel bad for that. State your reasons clearly and with confidence. Remind him Carrie Johnson ended up in hospital with dehydration cos baby was cluster feeding in the heat.

August1980 · 10/07/2025 22:27

You have made suggestions he doesn’t like them so he can go on his own. You prioritise your family he can prioritise his… good idea to leave the dog at home though.
not a slight against you OP, just a general thought I suppose how do they do it in hot countries?

whenever on holiday we are just a hot mess and the locals just look chilled as ever. Is it that they adapt to climate! (I have a 6 month old and we have just been away) and that was just an observation