To leave nearly 18yo DS home alone while me and DH go away for the weekend?

[Klugmaki]

Bit of a dilemma and just want some outside views really. Me and DH have booked a weekend away next weekend (Fri–Mon), just us two, down in Devon. Nothing posh – just a little cottage, some pub meals, bit of peace and quiet. DS will be 18 in August, so I figured he’s old enough to stay home on his own.

He’s generally sensible, does his college work, not out every night or anything. But I’ve just found out from DD (she’s 14) that he’s told a couple of his mates they can “come round” while we’re away. Now I’m stressing it’s going to turn into a full-blown house party.

I trust him… sort of. But I also remember what me and my mates were like at that age. I don’t think he’d plan to wreck the place but if 10 lads turn up with a crate each then what?

DH reckons I’m overthinking and we should just go. “He’s nearly 18, let him be,” etc. But I keep picturing coming home to red wine on the carpet and vom in the hedge.

To make it worse, found an empty bottle of Malibu shoved under his bed when I was changing his sheets the other day. He said it was “leftover from New Year” but we didn’t even have Malibu at New Year.

Would you still go? Would you trust him or would you leave a neighbour or auntie to “pop by”? Or just cancel and go another time?

AIBU to be getting twitchy or do I need to just let go a bit?

Will he be responsible for looking after your 14yo dd too?

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Set your ground rules and expectations and trust him.

I left mine at this age. My neighbours were so nosy that I knew there would be no carry on, do you have a ring door bell ? I mean sure it will be fine.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he will not be having a party or even inviting a few mates round.

I don’t want to say it will be alright because I don’t know but I’d happily leave mine. Who is responsible for the 14yo?

I honestly think if a 17 year old can't be trusted to stay home alone for a weekend, something has gone very wrong somewhere.

Is the 14 year old also staying in the house? How does she feel about the mates coming around, potentially drunk?

Yes, I would go. And have done when my children were that age. DC1 did have friends over and they did drink and play music. But, that is exactly what I did when my parents went on holiday at that age so no surprise, really.

Have a great holiday!

P.S. Malibu? I didn't realise that was back. Loved it with pineapple juice in the 80'!

Also remembering what I got up to at 17/18 if anyone's parents were away. Assuming he's relatively reasonable, I'd accept the fact there was going to be a party, make it clear that the police better not be called and the house better be in a reasonable state when you get back, then go. Teen parties are more or less a right of passage.

Yes, will DD be at home?

I’d say no more than 4/5 mates round, no booze for DD, sensible on the booze for the older teens (none of yours taken) and that you expect all of them to leave by 11pm, no sleepovers, and a clean/tidy house when you return.

Just tell him no parties!!

Spell it out that 'Jack and Tom can come round if you like, but NO ONE else and the house had better look immaculate when I return home on Monday or there will be trouble. You will be paying for any damage done - just to make it clear. No parties, no one else here'.

It depends on what your DS is like. My son is a year younger and NO WAY could we leave him as he would invite everyone he knows round for a “gathering” - code word for party. But your son is a year older and possibly (hopefully😂) more responsible 😬

My son’s friend was told this almost word for word and he invited 300 16/17 year olds - not joking - round to the house. Luckily the neighbours called the police and the party was shut down within the first 2 hours 😳

This is sensible.

Just go OP and actually speak to your son before you leave about what you expect and don’t expect. You say he is sensible so I think you’re overreacting. How can you ever learn to trust him if you don’t allow him this?

He has been stupid telling people his house will be empty of parents for a weekend. Someone overheard my friend at sixth form saying she was having some mates round, about 8 of us, a mix of girls and boys and we ended up calling the police. The people who overheard us came en-masse, broke into the shed when they couldn't get in and brought out a ladder to try and get into the upstairs window that was open. It was absolutely awful and they didn't even gain access but were banging on windows and we thought they were going to break in.

My friend left her 17 year old at home with 2 friends for a sleepover. One of those friends invited a friend, opened the bloody door for him, he of course had invited more friends and they ended up with a completely trashed house. Bags of flour shaken out in the lounge, washing up liquid squirted into the fridge, all over the kitchen, hall and lounge. They did the same with the ketchup. These were all people the parents knew too. Police were called as they wouldn't leave. The photos were dire and my friend and husband marched round to every house of those involved and showed the parents who pulled their hungover kids out of bed. The damage was done though.

Yes sorry, should’ve said – DD will be going to MIL’s for the weekend so it’s just DS in the house. No way would I leave her to deal with drunk lads (she’d grass him up in about 3 seconds flat anyway 😂). She’s actually more responsible than him sometimes tbh.

We do have a Ring doorbell and next door are quite… let’s say observant. Lovely couple, both retired, always “just pottering in the garden” so I’m hoping that might be a natural deterrent if he’s thinking of getting silly.

I’ve told him no parties. Made that really clear. He said “yeah yeah of course not” in that teenage tone that makes you less reassured somehow 😐

Might pinch the idea of setting actual limits if he is having mates over – like no overnights, all gone by 11, no one touches our booze, and house needs to look exactly how we left it. Will that work? No idea. But maybe if I spell it out and say neighbours will say something if they see madness going on, it’ll put him off.

Still a bit twitchy but probs leaning towards going unless anything else crops up this week 🤞

We left our DS home alone last summer for a few days when he was 16. We set rules and expectations very much like @Hatty65 describes- ie you can have X number of mates round, everyone gone by midnight. They can bring their own cider or beer but no spirits or shots, and no raiding Mum and Dad’s booze cupboard. I don’t know how much of that was adhered to but all was fine when we came home- no breakages, stains or vomit.

Factors which made us feel more confident:

We have a Ring doorbell so kept an eye on who was coming and going.

My ILs live just round the corner and kept in contact with him every day, as well as popping round. They also cooked for him one night.

We live in a small close where everyone knows each other and we have a neighbourhood WhatsApp. I knew that neighbours would let us know if there were large crowds of kids turning up, or excessive noise. One of our neighbours is a copper too so that was helpful- we let DS know he would be keeping an eye on proceedings.

Without all of those factors, I would probably have been reluctant to leave him home alone at 16. But by almost 18, I would.

A lot depends on the child. DS is pretty trustworthy (as far as I can tell 😂) He’s not perfect and yes he’s a teen, but he does care about not upsetting people or pissing them off.

If you can't leave your almost adult son at home alone for a few nights then something has gone wrong somewhere.

Although, I can see what you mean re. the party thing....

Ds had mates over for his 18th birthday party - I disappeared. The house was cleaner when I got back than when I’d left it.

I just think you are massively overthinking this. Yes things can go wrong, but they probably won’t. I wouldn’t present him with a huge list of rules. I might tbh put a lot of nonalcoholic beer in the fridge, and would remind him that 4 beers and 4 shots are two different animals. And then trust him.

Obviously it's fine and I'd fully expect him to have some mates over and have a drink.

Just be clear about any ground rules you have.

I wouldn’t consider cancelling your weekend. Teenagers are gonna teenage and as long as you have set some reasonable ground rules I would let him enjoy it. It’s his home too and so having a few mates over is fine.

Your DD is a dobber 😂

I think get people to pop in and if he wrecks the place consequences but give him the trust. I'm sure he will live up to it.

Enjoy your weekend away. He'll be an adult in a few weeks and this is a good life lesson for him. You’ve told him no parties and that should be enough.

Is MIL near enough to drop by if things start to get out of hand?
I have memories of a neighbour's teenager inviting a 'few' college friends around whilst his parents were away. The street was filled with cars full of youths who had come from far and wide having seen about the party on social media. The police ended up being called and the party was shut down. Poor kid admitted it had got out of hand and he hadn't expected all the unknowns to turn up!.