To be livid about DH’s “holiday”??

[Imacetar]

I don’t even know where to start tbh. Might be being a bit hormonal but this has really wound me up.

So DH mentioned a few weeks ago that he’d planned a “lads weekend” with a couple of his uni mates. Fair enough - he doesn’t go out that often and I thought it might do him good. He was very vague about the details but said it was “cheap and cheerful” and just a few nights away to “let off steam”.

Anyway today I check our joint account and see a £670 payment to some posh spa hotel in the Lake District. Naturally I ring him thinking it’s fraud or something and he casually goes “oh yeah we upgraded - one of the lads has a bad back and we wanted something a bit more comfortable”.

Sorry what?? Since when do three grown men randomly upgrade to a spa hotel with massage treatments and a hot tub view?? Doesn’t sit right with me. Sounds more like something you’d do with your partner - not your old uni mates.

Meanwhile I’ve done school run, cleaned up DS’s sick (dodgy fish fingers), tried to delouse DD’s hair AGAIN and the dog’s trotted mud through the whole house. But it’s alright for him - he’s having a “relaxing break” with scented candles and a robe.

I’m trying not to go full detective but honestly it just doesn’t add up.

AIBU to think there’s more to this than he’s saying? Would you call him out now or wait til he’s back? I feel like a mug.

I can imagine DH doing this with his mates! Hill walking in the day, then using the pool and steam room when they get back.

Hiding in a plain sight?
Obviously the OP knows her husband best,
I personally don't know about a bunch of lads booking a spa, because one of them has a bad back. 😐

I’ve done something very similar, possibly at the hotel in question.
None of my close friends are into a cheap and cheerful piss up away.
Our last trip to the Lake District involved paddle boarding/mountain biking/hiking and then back to the ‘spa’ hotel which had a lovely heated outdoor pool and hot tub. Just what was needed after a busy morning.

Beautiful hotel, pool, scenery, activities and great food. My idea of heaven for a couple of nights.

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My ehH did this.

He might have got away with it but the hotel sent a card to our home address welcoming Mr & Mrs My Name but he claimed it was a "lads from work" weekend

Exactly. Our local hotel has a golf course, gym, swimming pool and spa. I've been to the spa many times and there are almost always men in the pool, sauna and steam room (my DH has played golf there more than once and will use these facilities too if he has time). Just because it's a hotel with spa facilities doesn't mean (as a PP said) that they're floating around in fluffy robes and slippers! 😂
OP's initial irritation seemed to be that she's discovered that the cost was not the "cheap and cheerful" her DH told her it would be (which is cheeky), but now she seems concerned about the type of venue itself, which as you and I both realise, going to a hotel that has spa facilities is not the same as going on a "spa weekend".

Sorry, I don’t understand - is it that you can’t afford the upgrade so you’re pissed off he’s living the life of Riley up in the Lakes while you’re stuck doing the drudgework at home? In which case, yeah, I get it. If him upgrading means you can’t go away to let off steam yourself when he’s back, then I’d be pissed off too.

If you can both afford it though, I don’t see an issue unless you think he’s doing a fucking terrible job of covering up an affair. If your only reason for thinking that is just that it’s a fancy spa hotel, I know LOADS of guys who would go to one with their mates and see it as a break. My male mates have all hit the point where boozing it up all weekend somewhere cheap and cheerful doesn’t have the same appeal as it did even a decade ago (and if one of his mates has hurt his back, they’re probably the same age 😂). Way more likely to hit up a spa hotel, especially if it has a decent pool, sauna and golf course attached!

But honestly, your one opening post left more questions than answers, so I genuinely haven't a clue what’s got you so annoyed.

So he's there now? It's not a weekend away?

Presumably he's had to use annual leave to facilitate this trip?

Ask for pictures of his friends to prove he’s with them. Not fair about the cost unless you are getting to do the same.

Unless they haven’t agreed to be in an open marriage… OP thinks he’s taken a woman to the hotel after all

I think it's both. She was shocked to see how much he'd spent when he'd told her it would be "cheap and cheerful" and now she knows where he's booked and seems to have concluded that he's on a "spa break" because he's gone to a hotel with spa facilities (as so many do) and thinks that's odd with a bunch of mates. I guess only OP can know if this is something her DH would do.

I guess it depends on whether they’re still ‘lads’ or they’ve grown up a bit really? I’d be more confused if my DH told me he was going on a loud lads weekend away 😂 He’d hate every second of that! But he is partial to a nice spa hotel.

It's so funny to me that a spa weekend with friends is a cause of such suspicion. My husband had a spa weekend for his stag do 😂

Clearly this isn't the norm and he should have been knocking back pints in a cheap Spanish resort to avoid suspicion.

I’ve been to the the Lakes Spa hotels, they are lovely hotels with nice restaurants and swimming pools, jacuzzis etc. My partner and his business partner (both male) loved the spa bit but it was done after a day of cycling/walking and they had a few beers in the bar area after.
Some men would enjoy this kind of break.

If your DH is cagey and vague that’s different and I can see why alarm bells would be ringing.

Exactly. And using the spa facilities at your hotel after an active day is not having "a spa weekend" (which people on here seem to associate with women only or couples). My DH would definitely use such facilities, but I suppose only OP knows her DH and what she thinks he would/wouldn't do.

Oops 😬 I thought she was just annoyed that he was getting a lovely weekend to relax in luxury while she wrangled kids and dog

If my husband booked a spa hotel it would definitely ring alarm bells for me because it's just not his thing. Plus £600 isn't all that cheap so unless there was prior discussion I wouldn't be thrilled about that either.

He's often gone camping on some sort of bike thing which is the kind of thing he's into and I'm most definitely not and very much "give me a spa, the nicer the better"

Well, you either trust him or you don't. And if you don't, then you two have issues, regardless of which hotel he stayed in.

As it happens, I wouldn't give it a second thought if this was my Dh. We both, travelling together or apart, always aim to book hotels with spa facilities. Not because we want massages or treatments, but because we like to use the gym, pool, sauna/steam room and jacuzzi.

Just ask for loads of pics.. Mention you might fancy it next time you go away..
If he won't he has something to hide...
In the future keep checking the spa website. He may get caught out that way. Or he may be hoping for extras at the massage table. Or his mates might and he got roped into going.

Extras at the massage table? It's a spa hotel not a knocking shop.

I'd much rather my imaginary husband did this than Went on a boozy chesty Amsterdam or Prague type trip

This is another one of those tiresome AI generated posts isn’t it? They’re SO easy to spot now

This is another one of those tiresome AI generated posts isn’t it? They’re SO easy to spot now

Why do you feel like a mug?

• Is it the amount he’s spent and the luxury of his stay?
• Is it because you won’t have chance to have a break like that?
• Is it because you’re suspicious he’s away with a woman/women or hopes to be with a woman while there (escort etc)?

If the first, then if you can’t afford it, you need to have a chat about priorities. Will he pay that much for the two of you to have a break? Or to take the kids away?

If the second, do you have a friend or friends you may be able to have a similar break with. Maintaining friendships is so important when you have kids. If not, could you book a day at a spa for yourself and take some magazines/good book?

If the third, listen to your instinct. Do you know the friends? Is it out of character for them? Not all men want to stay in cheap places and get drunk. If they could all afford an upgrade, why not stay somewhere more comfortable? Why are you more suspicious just because it’s a nice hotel?

But it’s odd he’s been so secretive. Why didn’t he tell you where he was going? Most people would want to show their partner, especially if it was somewhere nice. How’s your relationship, generally? Has he been posting on social media while away?

Could you call the hotel on some pretext, either while he’s there or after he’s left, to find out if he was in the room alone? Doubt they’d let anything slip as they protect guests’ privacy. But maybe if you pretend you stayed there with him and inquire about an item you may have left the room, they might let something slip? Say you can’t remember the room number as your ‘boyfriend’ booked it. An indiscreet member of staff may say, “Ah, yes, Mr Imacetar and Ms Smith, you were in Room 101”.

I’d ask him to tell you about his weekend and to see pics. See how he reacts. If he has nothing to hide, he’ll happily let you scroll through all his pics.

This is partly why me and DH have separate "pocket money" - I buy my treats with mine, he buys his with his and then no one cares what is being spent on stuff like this

Have a read around. The same posters creep up on so many threads like this to tell OP that she's wrong and defend the man. And attacked? Get a grip