Child wrongly accused of gossiping about a parent by TA

[FireBreathingDragon]

Am I overreacting about this?

My ten year old has been bullied for a while by another girl who hits her, verbal insults etc. Teachers have told my daughter she needs to hit her back (which shows how bad the bullying is) but my daughter can’t / won’t as is very gentle natured. She’s the most placid kid and will not hurt anyone.

Yesterday at sports day the mother of this (bully) child claimed my daughter was gossiping about her, the mother?!! She told a teaching assistant that my daughter was even saying her name (totally impossible - we don’t even know the mother’s name). My daughter was pulled aside and given a talking to, asking what she was saying about the mother.

I wasn’t at the sports day so my daughter was outnumbered and totally bewildered as hadn’t been saying a word about that mother or any other. She’s totally, one hundred percent, telling the truth about this.

I feel the teaching assistant was wrong to even entertain this nonsense from the mother and should have calmed it down rather than pulling my child aside in front of the mother and questioning her with:

‘Do you know X’s mother’s name?’
’Why were you discussing her?’
’What were you saying?’

I went in all guns blazing with emails to
the staff member and teacher and want to make sure I am not overreacting. I am not placid like my daughter 🤭

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

This sounds absolutely outrageous OP! First step, contact the Head. If the Head doesn't help, contact the Governors.

This is not the TAs place do do this.

im not surprised you’ve gone in all guns blazing, I’d be the same, I’d want a meeting with the teacher and the head teacher.

First of all, no teacher would tell a child to ‘hit back’ if another child hit them. Second, you weren’t there, you don’t know what actually happened. It never surprises me the number of parents who swear their child never lies and yet there’s always absolute proof that their child does. Going into school all guns blazing wont solve anything.

First of all, I don't believe any teacher would tell your child to hit anyone back - that is outrageous 😳

Secondly, I would go in and speak to the teacher and TA directly about what happened at Sports Day - you may not have got the whole story and going in 'all guns blazing' rather than calmly won't help your daughter.

The teacher has told me that my daughter needs to hit her back and stand up for herself.

And do you report the teacher for doing this, because it would certainly lead to a disciplinary in my school.

By going in all guns blazing I mean I sent a strongly worded email 😆

I get on very well with the teachers as all three of my kids have gone to the school.

No why would I want to ruin the teacher’s career?

You can not believe it all you like. But that is what I was told verbatim.

Well they were trying to investigate a perceived bullying incident. If they were to ignore it, it would be no different to ignoring your accusations against the other child. So I think it was OK to listen to this woman and take her information on board and make enquiries. I agree this should not have been done in front of the woman, your DD should have been spoken to somewhere quiet and alone.

But how can a very placid ten year old bully a grown woman?

I remember when I was a (very shy) kid and I got accused of bullying another child and told off by the teacher. I was extremely bewildered and tried to ask what it was I was supposed to have done. It turned out later that it was another child with the same first name as me who was the bully. I still remember now how utterly defenceless and enraged I felt being told off by an adult for something I hadn’t done and not being listened to when I tried to explain that I didn’t know what they were talking about. This situation sounds similar and I think you are right to be angry as this sort of thing can have a huge impact on a child. It sounds like the TA acted very irresponsibly too.

Yanbu to be very upset.
Start emailing them about everything that has been going on.
Create a paper trail and ask for the complaints procedure as you want this to go to Board of governors.
Tell them you will be copying everything to Ofsted.

But who told you verbatim? Your daughter? Another parent? The teacher?

Going in “guns blazing” before you’ve tried to resolve things in a more appropriate way will just make it look like you’re the problem. Ask for an appointment to speak to the teacher/TA first and see what they’ve got to say then go from there.

I don't think anyone believes that really happened. I suspect the bully child in trying to defend herself, told her mother your DD said something bad, and the idiot mother seems to have believed it. I understand why the school has to investigate. How many times have kids pushed other kids because the kid says 'your mum is a ...'. There is a chance in theory that your DD is badmouthing the mum and provoking the bully. Given their history I'm sure the TA knows very well this is bullshit but needs to be seen to at least explore it. She went the wrong way about it though.

The class teacher and my daughter’s therapist have all told me, my husband and my daughter that she needs to stand up for herself and will not get in trouble for hitting the bully back.

I used the wrong phrasing by ‘going in all guns blazing’. I sent an email that was carefully penned but expressing outrage, nonetheless.

I’m raging on your behalf! How dare the TA question your DD like that. She needs a dressing down by the Head. Your poor DD.

No, I don't think you're overreacting. Your poor dd. The TA sounds weak and like she was sucking up to the bully mum. I think you are right to complain. I usually side with teachers on these threads.

Sports day was not the time to deal with this and most definitely not in front of the woman. So the TA needs some training in how to handle such complaints.

Try to keep the email calm - intimidating and inappropriate to discuss a complaint in front of an adult complaining about a child. The adult was not present at the alleged incident and does not know if it actually took place. Should have been told it would be investigated later.

Your child needs to be told to report every incident of bullying to a teacher. She should not rely on "not getting into trouble if she hits back".

If the other girl is over 10, the age of criminal responsibility, you can report being hit to the police as assault. Mention that to the school.

Thank you this is really very helpful.

So do you think the other parent is making this up?

You need to find out from the TA/Teacher what actually happened, from their understanding. The Mother of the other child may have been told by her own child, that your daughter was talking about her. Or the other Mother may have overheard something herself. It's important to find out the facts first. The TA shouldn't have spoken to your daughter in front of the parent. It should have been the TA saying to the parent 'Thank you for letting me know, I will speak with X'. Then she should have taken your daughter somewhere quiet and spoken to her without the parent being there. Having the other parent there, is intimidating, and shouldn't have happened. As for a teacher telling a child/parent to hit the other child back, that's just crazy!! In the schools I have worked in (and currently do), it's not something that would be said. Your daughter would then be the child in the wrong, and likely get punished! You can't make a child 'stand up for themselves' or 'hit a child back', if it's not in their nature!! If it was, your daughter would have already done those things!! It's a cop out by the school, for not dealing with the bullying situation effectively.

I don’t really see how talking about a parent and using her name (if that is what happened) to someone else, not to the parent or her child, is problematic. It’s just talking about someone. At worst, we might call it gossiping, but surely all children (and their parents!) do that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That said, yes, I would be having a word with the head and make a complaint, if necessary.

We have a family like this in school. They have attempted to sue the school on a number of occasions. They are ‘those sorts’ who think that the rules don’t apply to them and any sort of disciplinary action by the school is ‘bullying’. Any child who doesn’t want to be best friends with their child is ‘bullying’ (known him for years and he’s horrible, no surprise given the home life he is exposed to, but it’s why he has no friends).

The parents have now made threats to every parent and child in his tutor group and done it in writing (I literally have in writing what the dad sent to my dd). The school won’t do anything. Because they know they will kick off again. So it makes for a really hostile and tense atmosphere, and the poor kid has no friends (partly because he’s a little shit, yes, but largely because no one will let their children play with him because they’ve been threatened by the parents). It does the kids no favours.

I did take it very high up in the school and to the police though (because the the harassment outside of school) because I wanted dd to know that this sort of behaviour shouldn’t just get brushed under the rug. I wanted her to feel like someone was standing up for her.

Your poor daughter. Cornering children in that way isn't on, no justification whatsoever.