Child wrongly accused of gossiping about a parent by TA

[FireBreathingDragon]

Am I overreacting about this?

My ten year old has been bullied for a while by another girl who hits her, verbal insults etc. Teachers have told my daughter she needs to hit her back (which shows how bad the bullying is) but my daughter can’t / won’t as is very gentle natured. She’s the most placid kid and will not hurt anyone.

Yesterday at sports day the mother of this (bully) child claimed my daughter was gossiping about her, the mother?!! She told a teaching assistant that my daughter was even saying her name (totally impossible - we don’t even know the mother’s name). My daughter was pulled aside and given a talking to, asking what she was saying about the mother.

I wasn’t at the sports day so my daughter was outnumbered and totally bewildered as hadn’t been saying a word about that mother or any other. She’s totally, one hundred percent, telling the truth about this.

I feel the teaching assistant was wrong to even entertain this nonsense from the mother and should have calmed it down rather than pulling my child aside in front of the mother and questioning her with:

‘Do you know X’s mother’s name?’
’Why were you discussing her?’
’What were you saying?’

I went in all guns blazing with emails to
the staff member and teacher and want to make sure I am not overreacting. I am not placid like my daughter 🤭

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

Aside from all the gratuitous cursing I couldn’t work out your point.

How helpful - a keyboard warrior and their half baked opinions.

To be honest I think this is questionable advice - imagine DD did hit back in self defence and by some fluke seriously hurt the other child. (Unlikely but not impossible.)

It doesn't seem great from the school to be basically saying we can't stop your child being hit by another child, and to allow it to carry on unchecked.

I appreciate the situation is difficult and we don't have the full picture.

Edited to say I meant to quote the OP's clarification about child being told it was OK to hit back to defend herself.

It is quite simple really,
Teacher is giving stupid advice.
Therapist is giving stupid advice.
You are sitting on your hands praising the stupid advice and the 'amazing' your word, teacher.
If you went through the proper channels and actually read the advice pps are offering, your d wouldn't be in the situation of needing therapy for bullying because you would have sorted it out by now.

…this is my first ever post so I don’t know why you assume I am whining all the time?

and how do you know what I do or don’t do for my child to protect them from bullying.

Does it make you feel better, making blind assumptions in the dark about someone you know nothing about?

We can’t all be model parents like you, oh fabulous specimen of wonderfulness.

Not a key board warrior, I would never advise anything I wouldn't follow through in real life. If anything is half baked it's the idea that hitting back is good advice.

OP, if classmate is hitting your DD the school’s response to this should be a series of stages, as set out in their bullying policy, and potentially resulting in exclusion for the girl doing the hitting. They absolutely should not be letting the hitting continue and telling your DD she needs to stand up for herself and hit back. All schools must, by law, have a bullying policy - and I’ll be damned if this school’s policy says “we will encourage bullied children to stand up to their bully and hit them back and tell them they won’t get into trouble for it if they do” - so they are at least failing to following their own policy, which needs to be raised to the governors; and at worst, suggesting that a child do something which could get them in serious trouble: your DD might not be the sort to want to hit back, but if she does snap one day, and ends up badly hurting the girl she hits, the teachers can’t give her any assurance about not getting into trouble for it if it becomes a police matter.

The TA handled the bizarre incident involving this girl’s mum poorly, and the teachers are handling everything even worse.

Sorry, I don't drink, it seems you are drifting off subject to bun fight with me.

I’m afraid this is absolute nonsense. A teacher and a therapist should never advocate using violence. Both of them deserve to lost their jobs of that’s what they’ve told you.

Hit her back? Or stand up for herself? Have you or your DD assumed that 'stand up for yourself more' means 'hit back'? I agree it sounds implausible that any teacher would say that. I think that' perhaps your DD's interpretation of what's been said.

However, it doesn't sound as if the bullying is being taken seriously or handled well and what you've outlined here regarding the mother is not acceptable. You need a meeting with the head.

And yet a dc that’s hits back is less likely to be bullied.
Unfortunately bullies don’t follow the be kind model of behaviour and they only pick on those they perceive to be weaker.

My dc were told to follow 3 steps.
Tell the bully to stop
Try to make them stop
Hit them as hard as you can.

Teachers at my dn’s school walked past him being bullied and did nothing.
My opinion of most teachers regarding bullying is that it doesn’t affect them so they make a half hearted attempt to stop it and then just shrug and forget it.

Do you think therapy is for poorly behaved children?

With that level of ignorance, it seems unlikely you could offer anything helpful to the thread.

I would be annoyed over the teachers advice to hit back. Not because I think she shouldn’t (I always taught my kids they could physically defend themselves!) but it’s almost like the teachers are putting the responsibility or dealing with the bully onto your daughter. It’s their job to protect your poor daughter and deal either way the bully appropriately, and at the moment they’re not!! That’s my issue.
The TA has dealt with this silly woman in the worst way. So now not only is the daughter bullying your kid, but her mother is too. And the school are facilitating it. I don’t blame you for going in all guns blazing, I’d go mad over this.
Will you be doing school pick up this afternoon? Speak to them face to face.

First of all, no teacher would tell a child to ‘hit back’ if another child hit
them.
Then -
Second, you weren’t there, you don’t know what actually happened.

Oh, the irony of these 2 sentences!

I wasn’t commenting on why the child has a therapist, none of my business, or yours. I was asking the OP if there were anymore drip feeds we needed to be aware of.

The school have failed to deal with bullying. Report them to the governors and your local authority.

You did the right thing.

This happened to my DD. She was being harassed by a girl and I said to keep out of her way and not be drawn in to any provocation.

Next thing the DM writes a ranting email to the school that my DD was bullying her DD by 'looking at her in a funny way'. My DD was pulled out of class and marched down to the heads office to 'apologise' to the bully. My DD refused.

When she got home I called the school and explained how distressed she was and gave the context. School apologised that they had a knee-jerk reaction to a frequently demanding parent. I followed this up with an email to the head documenting our discussion.

Keep communicating, calmly, assertively and consistently.

Get your daughter out of this school it sounds absolutely shite. She's 10 so I assume year 5, you also need to make sure she won't go to the same secondary this to keep her away from her and her dickhead mother.

There is a huge difference between saying 'I've noticed that your daughter struggles to be assertive. We of course won't tolerate bullying but it would help for her to learn to fight back a bit as well' In this scenario what the teacher has said is open for interpretation. 'Fighting back' could be putting her hands out and saying loudly 'keep your hands off me' or 'do not talk to me like that' If the teacher is saying 'I'd quite like to see your daughter punch her back in the mouth next time she's hit. We'd look the other way you know' then obviously that's unacceptable but I would be shocked if any teacher/therapist who still wants their job is saying this...

My dd is just finishing infant school. Something I've learned is that an overdramatic parent who fabricates scenarios is a million times more destructive to the harmony between children than even the most problematic of children. Children will have their tiffs but the vast majority will manage things for themselves 90% of the time if they're given the freedom to. Parents rarely get involved without having an agenda that's much more nuanced than 'this child is upsetting my child' which is what can make them dangerous.

Sounds to me like the TA felt cornered and bullied herself by the angry Mum who was being an absolute idiot and causing trouble for the sale of trouble (clearly the apple didn't fall far from the tree there) so the TA reacted by telling your daughter off just to get the parent off her back. This Mum sounds like a Y5 playground bully herself - complaining that a child was talking about her?! What the actual 🙄I can well imagine this Mum has form for this type of thing.

I can absolutely imagine teachers, therapists etc encouraging your daughter to stand up for herself but encouraging her to physically assault a child in retaliation is not OK and I would be very surprised if this is what they have said - that your DD has their approval to hit this other child.

unbelievable that the Ta and other parent effectively joined in on the bullying that’s exactly how your child would have felt. Can you complain about all of it include them saying she should hit them(it’s against all policies for that to be said) to head.

You can immediately spot the posters on this thread whose children are bullies.

Apples didn't fall very far from the tree.

This is a normal MO for a bully, in my experience: "She was saying things about my mum!"

You were right to contact the school, OP.

My child having a therapist is not a drip feed.
You’re weird for suggesting so.