Child wrongly accused of gossiping about a parent by TA

[FireBreathingDragon]

Am I overreacting about this?

My ten year old has been bullied for a while by another girl who hits her, verbal insults etc. Teachers have told my daughter she needs to hit her back (which shows how bad the bullying is) but my daughter can’t / won’t as is very gentle natured. She’s the most placid kid and will not hurt anyone.

Yesterday at sports day the mother of this (bully) child claimed my daughter was gossiping about her, the mother?!! She told a teaching assistant that my daughter was even saying her name (totally impossible - we don’t even know the mother’s name). My daughter was pulled aside and given a talking to, asking what she was saying about the mother.

I wasn’t at the sports day so my daughter was outnumbered and totally bewildered as hadn’t been saying a word about that mother or any other. She’s totally, one hundred percent, telling the truth about this.

I feel the teaching assistant was wrong to even entertain this nonsense from the mother and should have calmed it down rather than pulling my child aside in front of the mother and questioning her with:

‘Do you know X’s mother’s name?’
’Why were you discussing her?’
’What were you saying?’

I went in all guns blazing with emails to
the staff member and teacher and want to make sure I am not overreacting. I am not placid like my daughter 🤭

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

You have done the right thing by emailing school for clarity around the situation.

But if anyone in a professional capacity has told you and your daughter to hit another child back in self defence then you have to report this to the appropriate authorities. I have been a ta for over 20 years and I’ve never heard of this, ever.

It never surprises me how quick people are to default to 'child lying'. Even if the child WAS 'gossiping' - an adult term that children don't have any concept of - interrogating the kid in front of the women isn't on.

The bewilderment of children when adults go in all guns by blazing at them hurts my heart 🙁

Child X hits my child many times leaving marks and bruises.

My child never retaliates.

Teachers are amazing trying to help my child stick up for herself and have said that if she hits the kid back in self defence she won’t get in trouble.

WHY ON EARTH would I report the teachers to the authorities?

You ought to send a mail to the head and say that you will have to take this further up since the school doesn't know how to deal with the bullying of your child. Absolutely outrageous that the TA started questioning your child in the presence of the other mum. Feel so sorry for your daughter.

I’ll be buying the teacher the biggest bunch of flowers. Not trying to jeopardise her career. What an odd notion.

Just to clarify my child has never hit the bully back. But good to know if she chooses to stand up for herself she won’t get in trouble.

It is no wonder the poor child is as you call 'placid'. It is astonishing how poorly educated teachers and even therapists are when it comes to developmental problems.
There is a reason why your daughter is not standing up for herself and that needs to be teased out gently and patiently. Children adapt and develop strategies when they perceive the environment in which they develop in certain ways. It doesn't matter if it is true or not, it is about how they organise internally their world through a child's understanding which os very different to that of adults'.
Telling to stand up for herself is yet another way for her to feel missunderstood and to shut down even further.

your views on the teachers are utterly bizarre. It is completely wrong and inappropriate for a teacher to suggest that a child hits back as a response to bullying, and I cant believe that you seem to think this is them being a good teacher??

If teachers and TAs are ignoring bullying and instead telling your DD to hit her classmates then you need to raise this (both failing to follow the bullying policy, which all schools must have, and encouragement to hit) to the school governors and the LEA urgently. They’re telling your DD to assault people and giving her false assurances that she “won’t get into trouble” - she certainly will, if she injures somebody and their parents report it to the police.

They're not advising her to hit back, though, but saying that if she did, she wouldn't get into trouble?

It sounds a very difficult situation, but I feel that hitting back is rarely if ever the answer.

If my child was repeatedly hitting another and got a smack back, they would deserve it.

It is a pointless notion anyway as my daughter will not hit back so the only one getting hurt is her and the bully remains untouched.

Yes correct they’ve said she is to stand up for herself and if she were to defend herself physically she would not get in trouble.

My daughter won’t anyway as doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

Oh. Your placid, well behaved child has a therapist.

Anything else you want to drop into the mix?

This school sounds dreadful. Encouraging children to hit other children, not dealing with bullying and accusing children of bullying adults in front of people at sports day.

don’t know why you’d be buying the teachers flowers in this scenario

Reporting that a teacher told your d to hit back as well as the therapist ? Both sound dodgy as fuck, I'd certainly be reporting that.
Ruin a career? What other shite comes out of these peoples mouths I wonder?

I experienced similar as a 9yo child and was bashed up every morning and accused of saying things I couldn't have. The headmistress sided with the bully who was literally twice my size (I was tiny for my age). I was a quiet and very gentle child so it was an incredibly bewildering and upsetting time (I'm here 40 years later still talking about it!). Anyway, my mother contacted the local private school and they met me and took me in straight away and did not charge my mother fees. There's no way I could have been left in that situation and I'm grateful that my mother got me out of it. Had a wonderful few years at the new school with beautiful, caring teachers and lovely fellow students.

Please don't let your child stay in this situation.

I would be escalating the bulkyingbissue to the head, this other child needs to be dealt with. And if that doesnt happen I would remove my child. It's not okay to send her into school to be bullied. I can also guarantee the bullies parent will not quietly accept your daughter hitting her back.
I most certainly wouldn't be buying flowers for a teacher who hasn't dealt with the bullying.

Weird bit of advice, but my nephew was getting bullied and was too nice to hit back and my brother ended up telling him to take off his shoe and hit him with that. For some reason this worked. Won’t punch him… but will hit him with a shoe. Can’t believe the teacher said to hit back though. I think she’s right, and my kids are always told to hit them back, but a teacher saying it is rouge. It must be really bad.

She'd be the one to blame if she lost her job. So say your daughter took her advice and did hit back,the school wouldn't take too kindly to it 😞

Whatever your thoughts and beliefs are on those of us that have worked in schools and our humble opinions, if all of what you are saying is true then it’s high time you looked into a new therapist and school for your child. If my own child was bullied and hit to the extent you are saying and the come back from school is ‘oh if you hit them back you won’t be in trouble’, then there’s a problem. A huge one. Protect your child. Get off the internet and start with the local authority of the county you are in.

I would be bloody furious too…….the TA had NO right challenging your child in that way. Strikes me that the TA is friends with that mother who was actually stirring the shit for your child…….what a vindictive cow! FWIW I consider the A should have referred the matter to the HT, not taken on the role as investigator cum interrogator! That is NOT her place.
Keep on at the HT until you get a resolution OP.

If d hit back she'd be in trouble as the teacher and dopey therapist -is this person actually qualified? -would deny they evetr said they told her to hit the bully.

You do know placid well behaved children can have therapists just like placid well behaved adults can?

Your attitude suggests you condone the teachers advice which is 100% wrong.
Why aren't you taking this bullying of your child up with the head teacher, governors and local education authority?
It comes across as very weak and ineffectual to keep whining about the teacher all the time.
Your kid has been hit manty times yet, still you sit on your hands and seem to do very little about it. When it was my kid, that was being bullied, as soon as they told me I was over at the school and in a meeting with the teacher and then the head. It was resolved with in 48 hours.
Stop worrying ablout a crap teacher and take it furthur from the bullying angle.
I don't know about therapist now, your poor d is certainly going to need one when she's older if you /her father don't stand up for her NOW.

Why on earth does that matter?

She has a therapist because she is being bullied.