To refuse to give ds money?

[Cakecoffeetv]

Ds is 17, at sixth form.

For context he has a part time job. He doesn’t get many hours and it’s not local so we have to drive him there. I don’t mind doing so, to help, but he has made no attempt to find a job closer or more hours. He has also done some odd jobs for friends and family and earned good money from that.

We pay for his phone, his bus fare/lunch to college, his driving lessons and his football subs. Plus obviously clothes etc when he needs.

Every month he gets paid he spends all his money within the first 2 weeks. Usually on sweets, crisps, snacks, takeaways, Costa, Nandos, catching Ubers everywhere.

Sometimes we will have cooked a perfectly good tea and he has his friends round and orders takeaway and leaves his dinner uneaten.

When he runs out of money he comes asking me for money to go out or for more takeaways round at friends.

I’ve told him repeatedly that he needs to budget. He usually has enough to last a month if he’s sensible. Plus I don’t like the way he’s eating so much rubbish.

Ive told him from now on if he doesn’t budget his money I won’t be giving him any.

YANBU. He won't learn if he's getting handouts. You already pay for a lot for him.

Of course you did him anymore additional money. If you keep bailing him out when he has spent all his money, he will never need to budget for himself.

There is no excuse for wasting food like that. Honestly that would be my red line. It's rude and disrespectful as well as wasteful.

Yeah I do agree but what the hell are you supposed to do about it?

He orders Uber eats he doesn’t tell me he’s going to do it. He promises to eat his dinner for lunch the next day then just says he forgot.

He’s always been terrible with money and it’s not through lack of trying by dh and I.

Money burns a hole in his pocket. I thought/hoped that when he was earning it himself he might use it more wisely.

Following as my dd burns through money although is quite a bit younger - think this could be her in years to come despite me teaching her about budgeting

Surely the blame lies with OP binning it rather than keeping it for leftovers

Step back more. Stop paying for things directly, give him a flat monthly allowance and if he messes it up he takes the consequences. Can he cycle to work?

The wasted dinners don't impact him. Lack of transport, phone cut off, lack of clothes absolutely will.

It’s interesting that he spends it on food and food treats.
does he like the food you all cook?
is it a sensory thing, or a sugar addiction?

Erm no. If I plate him up a dinner and he leaves it how is that my fault? Sometimes he eats half of it then says he’s full but goes and orders a takeaway.

Who is supposed to eat the leftovers? Me?

I don’t want my sons half eaten food, he promises to eat it for lunch the next day but then doesn’t bother.

You have to keep saying no, everytime until he stops asking because he's found a better job.
You give in once and you will have to say no twice as long, he will not learn any other way.

Don't bother cooking for him at all and when he runs out of money then point towards the household shared items, plain pasta and cheese, beans on toast and jacket potato. He will soon learn when he sees you all eating the nicer stuff and he has no money left. I think if you've tried telling him about budgeting and he won't listen then you'll have to do it by actions. He won't learn if he thinks you'll bail him out by week 3. He is 17 and either off to university soon or he leaving education. If the former he'll struggle if he's burned through his loan in the first month. Also I'd be giving him an allowance and just paying for his phone. So DS here's £50 a month for your football and bus fares. Then when it's gone it affects his social life and getting to his mates /college. I imagine you'll have an angry teen for a day or two but there you go.

I’ve thought about doing this but he really would be screwed for getting to work/sixth form.

Too far to cycle and if he spent his bus fare he couldn’t get to college.

Put it in a box in the fridge, give it to him for lunch. If he doesn’t eat it, give it to someone who will.

He’s earning his own money, you can’t stop him buying food. Just say no to giving him more money, but if he’s earning enough to be spending as much as he does in two weeks, he’s doing alright

I don’t want his leftover food and neither does anyone else.

Would you want a teenage boys half eaten dinner for your lunch?

He keeps asking you for money because you give it to him.

He doesn't learn to budget because he doesn't need to- see first point.

If I was in a position where half an uneaten meal was causing me as much strife as it seems to cause you, yes I would.

As someone else has asked, does he actually like your cooking? What do you cook v what does he order?

He’s definitely addicted to the sugar/takeaways.

Again though, not sure that’s in my control. We have ample food in the house including things that he likes.

Can you get him a monthly travel pass and then start giving him an allowance which he has to manage as good practice for being more independent?

Between 16-18 y/o (in college) my parents paid for my monthly bus pass and some credit on my phone (usually £10 a month). I was welcome to take food from home for lunch. As for other meals at home, I was expected to tell my parents in good time whether I would be in for an evening meal and help make food or cook for myself if I wanted something different.

Everything else I paid for (socialising, clothes, things for college). You need to be frank with your son and say you are not paying for extras.

Why are you paying for clothes? We pay for essential sports gear, the rest they buy out of small allowance or earnings/ birthday money/ selling on vinted. You are making life too easy.

I’m not answering anymore orations about the leftover food.

I said one thing about him leaving his tea in favour of ordering takeaways. Someone else said that they wouldn’t tolerate the waste.

Yes he does like the food and it’s not always me who cooks. His dad cooks half the time and we eat perfectly good food.

I agree completely with this. I'd pay directly for anything to do with education - so bus pass, library or whatever, textbooks. But after that, transfer everything to him - phone, football, etc. Give him an amount that you're happy with and do not budge an inch.

Because he’s still in full time education.

I’d still expect to provide essential clothing until he’s an adult.

Is that not a normal thing to do?

To add. My parents gave me my family allowance when I turned 13 and nothing else. All that my parents paid for was my school uniform and anything school related.
I felt really flush having £15 a week or whatever it was then at 13. Then as I got closer to 15 and my mates were going out suddenly it felt tight. So I got a job at 16 to supplement it because I wanted to drive at 17 and go on a contract phone rather than PAYG. It taught me really good money sense and budgeting from the beginning because I absolutely knew that there was nothing else coming from my parents. Obviously FA doesn't go as far now but a set allowance with no wiggle really taught me lessons. My parents were what you deem as working class and there wasn't much spare money. When I met DH he was quite flush with money and said I was a tight arse. He learned over time himself to budget and when our mortgage went up a couple of years back we were able to cushion the blow.

I think it's really easy for parents just to pay for everything when there is disposable income but the kids never see the sacrifices in life that come with that.

I’ll ask again. What are you cooking v what is he ordering?