To refuse to give ds money?

[Cakecoffeetv]

Ds is 17, at sixth form.

For context he has a part time job. He doesn’t get many hours and it’s not local so we have to drive him there. I don’t mind doing so, to help, but he has made no attempt to find a job closer or more hours. He has also done some odd jobs for friends and family and earned good money from that.

We pay for his phone, his bus fare/lunch to college, his driving lessons and his football subs. Plus obviously clothes etc when he needs.

Every month he gets paid he spends all his money within the first 2 weeks. Usually on sweets, crisps, snacks, takeaways, Costa, Nandos, catching Ubers everywhere.

Sometimes we will have cooked a perfectly good tea and he has his friends round and orders takeaway and leaves his dinner uneaten.

When he runs out of money he comes asking me for money to go out or for more takeaways round at friends.

I’ve told him repeatedly that he needs to budget. He usually has enough to last a month if he’s sensible. Plus I don’t like the way he’s eating so much rubbish.

Ive told him from now on if he doesn’t budget his money I won’t be giving him any.

Its possible an allowance might make him think, especially if he knew he wouldn’t be getting another penny

You could, but since he's got used to you bailing him out he'll probably just spend the entire allowance and then you're back where you started

Just about the only "must" in all that is him getting to college, so if necessary I'd give him his bus fare each day and refuse absolutely anything else once he's spent up

TBH I can't see any other way he'll learn ...

He should know how to budget because I’ve told him enough times.

I’ve told him to divide his money by the number of weeks.

So if he’s earned £250 and it’s 5 weeks until payday then he’s got £50 a week to spend. But he won’t stick to it.

Tbh he’s always been extremely bad with money and keeping things.

Any chocolate/sweets he’d have in for Christmas he’d eat all his own in one go then come begging for ours/his siblings. He just couldn’t see that he’d eaten his he felt it was unfair.

He’ll lose/break his own things then take his siblings and we have to hide things from him.

Any money he’s had he won’t wait to see something he wants, he’d spend it on rubbish. So for example he got given birthday money. He couldn’t find anything he liked in the shops so instead of looking online/waiting a couple of weeks he spent the lot on an overpriced hoodie. He’s never worn the hoodie, not once. He just couldn’t wait.

I asked him at 5pm if he wanted dinner. Jacket potatoes, chicken and salad. He said yes please. I got back from a club with ds2 and he’s gone out. So no doubt another dinner wasted.

Yanbu- you pay his essentials.

The only thing I would do is give a social allowance at that age and see work as extra to that but it would be a fixed amount and not extras because he’s spent all his wages.

How about getting paid to do some chores when he's strapped? My older 2 DSs are now at uni, but they would be paid for either washing the car or mowing the lawn when they were still at school and wanted extra cash. Give him the option to take it or leave it, but you stick to your guns!

I hate to say it but I don’t think he’ll make any effort to find a closer job if he knows you’re going to keep giving him lifts etc. I understand why you’re doing it, we naturally want to help our kids, but he really needs to learn that there won’t always be someone around to make his life easier for him. He needs to take some responsibility for himself or you’ll still be bailing him out in 20 years. Let him take the 2 hour bus, let him uber himself to work if he’s running late; and if he’s got no money for an Uber then he’ll be late. It’s a life lesson that he’ll just have to learn. If he loses his job and has to cut down on Nando’s he might be suddenly motivated!

I think you know really - don’t give him fun money if he has spent what he has earned. It’s the school holidays looming and will cost you a fortune. He can eat what is on offer at home - no money given for takeaway / Uber eats. If you’re happy to cover his phone/transport- that’s fine. If he needs more spending money, he needs more work.

When my eldest (now 20) was at 6th form he worked 7 hours in a chip shop plus an overtime they needed him for. He had to use his wages to fuel his car, and cover any food when out at college or friends. He never really buys clothes and if he needs anything will ask for it for xmas/birthday if out of his price range.

My now 17 year old is struggling to get permanent part time work and picks up some shifts in holiday clubs. He also trains my friend as he is a fitness coach through college. He now has a car which was funded by myself and is desperate to get money to ease the pressure on me.

Both my 2 know my financial limit each month and have always worked with me. The 17 year old knows not to ask for extra unless emergency. They have to learn to budget.

YANBU. I think learning to budget before leaving home and having bills to pay is really important. He needs that practice now because the consequences of not having enough money to pay his bills or eat could be dire. Better that he learns whilst the only consequence is missing out on some luxuries.

Stop giving him money.
Stop cooking for him if he's not eating it.

I really don't understand what you're asking. Is this not blindingly obvious?

Rude.

Probably too late now but I would make him pay for driving lessons. If you are paying there is no incentive for him to learn/pass quickly.

My DC is 18 with a part time job but at uni so we pay phone, lunches, clothes.

Not sure how you cut back now but you really need to and don't give him extra if he runs out.

I’d stop the driving lessons - here’s your allowance. You can spend it on Ubers for your lazy arse girlfriend and on getting fat on shite food or you can get an actual driving licence which will be a ticket to all sorts of work through uni, or in a trade or whatever.
I’d also stop cooking for him unless he is specifically commiting to an evening meal
wirh the family. And if he fecks off, that £10
out of his next allowance.

It's so weird that he wants to waste money on take aways when he has someone cooking for him

The ONLY reason I order take aways is I have none else to cook for me 🤣

I definitely wouldn't have been allowed to do this when I was 17, I wasn't allowed more than one bag of crisps a day at that age and obeyed! But the ship has sailed maybe..

I would ask him what his goals are for things he'd like to have or do. If he wants to travel or have a 6 pack or get better at football or study or rent his own flat one day etc teach him about budgeting and saving for these.

Perhaps also limit the clothes budget to quite basics. If he wants cool trainers etc he needs to use his own money.

Please don't give him money! When I met DH he was 21 and burnt through his pay by 5pm on payday, then went to his DM for a loan. He paid her back some of it next pay, then spent the rest, added to his borrowing.... You see the cycle. His parents kept propping him up, so why change?

Thankfully I managed to teach DH how to budget & save for goals. He just needed to see where it could take him. I'm still the primary driver of our finances because I was taught to look after myself financially, but if his parents hadn't propped him up we would have been better off, earlier.

I can’t believe at 17 he’s so pampered. What the fuck does he actually do for himself and the rest of you? Can he cook, clean, be a useful human or is he just a leech that’s going to make a piss poor partner for someone?
in a year he’ll be going away to uni or working and capable of moving out. How the fuck is he going to get from where he is developmentally now to where he needs to be?

I still have small kids but I am a bit taken aback by the lack of rules these teenagers seem to have, not just the OP but other people commenting. He orders take away at home and gets uber to college when he is late for bus. As far as I was living under my parents roof I would have to abide their rule so I won’t have been allowed to order food or spend money as I wanted.. even my allowance! I remember been a rule among my friends too!
just establish no take away ordered at home if there is food cooked or there is a consequence? no uber allowed to go around when buses are available?
maybe I am being unrealistic but which age are rules inside a family being abandoned so they basically do what they want even if living at their parents house?

Are you reading things that aren’t there?

I posted that he wastes his money that he earns from his part time job and from doing other work.

Where are you reading that he is a leech and can’t cook or clean?

Is there any need to be so rude and nasty? Plenty of other posters have managed to reply and offer advice without being rude.

I do agree with what you’re saying but believe me it isn’t always that easy.

For example catching Ubers to college. As far as I’m concerned this isn’t on. The first few times it happened he’d left later than he should. Now I always kick him out the door on time, but sometimes he says the bus hasn’t turned up.

As for him ordering takeaways, sometimes this is round at friends houses or his girlfriends or when he has friends over. He doesn’t tell me he’s going to do it. Realistically how can I tell my 17 year old he’s only allowed 1 packet of crisps. He’s out with friends how am I going to police that?

All of this behaviour only started last year when he left school and got a part time job. I am wising up to him, but since he left school he’s had a complete personality change.

He can set up a Standing Order with NS&I Premium Bonds or any other savings account on the market so he has his part time wages saved each month and only a small amount to spend for himself.

He would soon learn!

I disagree with the incentive to.pass driving test if the parents pay for it. I paid for both my sons lessons and they both passed 1st time within 5 months. I think it depends on if they really want to drive or not.

DS 18 and DS14 get buses everywhere with Young Scot card. They're free.

DS 18 hates spending money unless he really has to.

It's frustrating OP. I was just like him- if I asked mum and she said no I'd ask dad and I was relentless, money burned a hole in my pocket. I'm a grown adult and parent myself now and I cringe at the money I wasted over the years.
Stand your ground, you've spent your money. Now you have to work if you want more. Your giving him a good life by what you already pay for and provide, he needs to learn to spend within his means.
Also I'm 36 weeks pregnant and that dinner sounds lush. In the future make it clear if I make your dinner, I'm expecting you to eat it and not waste it. If you waste it I won't cook for you tomorrow etc. It will get better I promise! Mine are still tots - I'm only speaking from my own experience!

Dd3 is 17 and I pay for the basics including phone, driving lessons and contact lenses. She works a few hours a week. I wouldn't give her any money for 'treats' if she runs out of hers. How's that going to help her budget when she goes to uni next year.

I stopped cooking for mine due to the waste, when they were about 17. I always had stuff in the freezer or some fresh chicken steaks or burgers etc in the fridge which can be done on the foreman in less than 5 minutes. I was always a feeder so made too much. Now i make something for me and DH and put leftovers in the fridge. If any DS wants it they are welcome to it or it comes to work with me for my lunch. They did all go through a phase of takeaways and burning through their money.

2 of them are now great with money and saving. 1 has undiagnosed ADHD (I'm 100%) and he can't manage money at all, we have recently opened a monzo account and set up some pots to split his money between the weeks between payday so he can see how much he has exactly per week. I was lending him money but I have said I can't do that anymore as its getting to the point that it is leaving me short every month (my own fault because I can't say no as I feel guilty/sorry for him)

Take a percentage of his wage for ‘digs’ obviously he’s not on much so not a full wage. I started paying at whilst at uni and had a part time job.

No more handouts. I would also stop the washing and ironing etc and teaching him how to cook tea so he can see how much money and effort goes into this and why it’s so wasteful!

Then get him making dinners once or twice a week to learn some responsibility.