To refuse to give ds money?

[Cakecoffeetv]

Ds is 17, at sixth form.

For context he has a part time job. He doesn’t get many hours and it’s not local so we have to drive him there. I don’t mind doing so, to help, but he has made no attempt to find a job closer or more hours. He has also done some odd jobs for friends and family and earned good money from that.

We pay for his phone, his bus fare/lunch to college, his driving lessons and his football subs. Plus obviously clothes etc when he needs.

Every month he gets paid he spends all his money within the first 2 weeks. Usually on sweets, crisps, snacks, takeaways, Costa, Nandos, catching Ubers everywhere.

Sometimes we will have cooked a perfectly good tea and he has his friends round and orders takeaway and leaves his dinner uneaten.

When he runs out of money he comes asking me for money to go out or for more takeaways round at friends.

I’ve told him repeatedly that he needs to budget. He usually has enough to last a month if he’s sensible. Plus I don’t like the way he’s eating so much rubbish.

Ive told him from now on if he doesn’t budget his money I won’t be giving him any.

I'm a bit mean and would say so what. He then has to explain to his teachers why he wasn't there. He'll be mortified but it'll be a good life lesson. What's he going to do as an adult when he's spent his petrol money?

YANBU. Don't dig any deeper into your pocket. Well done to him for working but you're right he does need to learn how to budget. You're already paying for enough. If he needs his money to stretch further, he needs a different job with more hours and more money. That's what we would have to do!

Why do you keep banging on about the dinners?

We cook normal things that anyone eats. Lasange, stir fry, fajitas, roast, sausage and mash, baked potatoes, pasta, pizza, burgers, fish and chips, curries. Plus there is ample other food available in the fridge, cupboards and freezer.

I don’t know what he orders. Kebabs and stuff I think

Don't give him money when he runs out or he wont learn.

You're just being annoying. It's irrelevant. She's cooking normal family dinners and he's eating takeaways. Jesus Christ.

It’s not irrelevant.

If she’s making normal meals and he’s ordering burgers, pizza etc it’s one thing.

But if, for example, she always cooks Mediterranean dishes and he prefers more Chinese or Japanese style foods, it might just be differing tastes.

YANBU, you could offer to hold onto half his salary to give him later in the month if that would help.

“Sometimes we will have cooked a perfectly good tea and he has his friends round and orders takeaway and leaves his dinner uneaten.”

This would make me really cross, and I’d cite it to him as one of the reasons I wouldn’t give him extra money. He might have to learn the hard way, and sit at home for a fortnight once he’s run through his cash. No way would I be subsidising take-aways at friends’ houses, and I’d be letting him know why. He needs to learn to budget, otherwise how will he manage at university, if he’s run through his money well before the end of term? Even if he’s getting a job when he finishes sixth form, he needs to learn that you can only spend your money once.

Would you be better off giving him the money weekly rather than monthly?

Not giving him extra money but divide it so he's still getting the same amount but at least he won't spend it all in one week

I will definitely stand firm on not giving him any spending money. It’s a funny age because I will of course take his younger sibling out so I always feel a bit bad as though I’m not treating them equally. But ds is nearly an adult so I feel he needs to learn to budget.

I could definitely consider giving him an allowance for phone/bus fare etc ready for next term.

I’ve suggested this but he just gets annoyed and says he’ll do better next month but then he just spends it all.

“I could definitely consider giving him an allowance for phone/bus fare etc ready for next term.”

Is there any way you could buy him a season ticket so he couldn’t spend his bus fare on other things? If that’s not possible, and he can’t be responsible, then I’d give him the bus fare daily, and let him know that there won’t be extra money while he squanders what he has on take-aways.

Yes, I'm sorry I don't have any decent suggestions. Some hard and fast rules perhaps. He's under your roof and needs to show he is becoming a grown up. Good luck.

Presumably though if you were taking him out for a meal then you would still be paying for him in the same way you pay for your younger child. If he is spending time with and eating with the family then yes you are willing to pay for him because it facilitates your relationship. What you object to is spending money on additional takeaways just for him/ his friends when there is a meal he can eat with you and the family. As long as you have a similar policy when your younger child is 17 then there is no unfairness.

It’s hasn’t been worth getting a bus pass. Only because of his timetable and the bus service it’s significantly cheaper to pay as you go. He does a mixture of school bus, lifts with friends and local bus.

We tend to give him a packed lunch twice a week and money for lunch twice just so he can have a hot meal in college sometimes.

Its possible an allowance might make him think, especially if he knew he wouldn’t be getting another penny.

Yeah you’re absolutely right.

I know there will be many opinions here, but I would keep giving him his usual pocket money till he is at least 18 and in education. Just the usual amount and nothing more - not 'I ran out of money, pls give me more' stuff. I think at 17 they are still learning how to manage their money and of course they will make mistakes. I remember myself at this age and sometimes I could spend all my cash on magazines, CDs and PC-games. These days for kids it might be different things, like take-away, etc. It's silly and wasteful from our point of view but they're still learning. 17 is not 25. For reference, I received ca. 50 bucks per month when I was commuting to high school and it covered my monthly train and bus fare and still I had 50% left for other stuff, but it was ages ago of course.

Definitely don’t give him more money. Possibly give him less. He’s lucky to be getting so much paid for by you!

It would also annoy me about the food (NB - you can ignore people who keep banging on about something irrelevant like what you cook!) Your dinners, as you say, sound very normal and nice.

The only thing I wondered is - do you live quite remotely? I think driving him places is a reasonable thing to expect if you live far from friends and activities. And then maybe the Ubers are, if not reasonable, justifiable. I hated living remotely as a teen! Couldn’t wait to pass my test (although then it was whether I could borrow the car…)

A lot is being spent on food, and I agree he needs to cut this down. However I think the only way to get him to budget is not to give him money when he runs out.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this. My DS was somewhat similar, so we moved to a 'per day' allowance for college. That would be xxx for bus fare and yyy for lunch, so I'd transfer that in the morning, every morning [which admittedly is a bit of a pain]. If he didn't go into college, he didn't get it. It was the only way to avoid overspending and having nothing left.

We’re definitely not remote, the opposite in fact.

It’s just that he found a job and unfortunately it’s quite far. The other side of the city. He has taken the bus but it takes up to 2 hours as you have to e to go all around the outskirts. Whereas we can drive him in 20 minutes.

It’s a pain but I’m glad he’s got a job. I just wish he’d make the effort to find something closer.

He catches Ubers when he’s got up late and missed the bus to college, or going out with his girlfriend, she won’t get on the bus. But what can I do 🤷‍♀️it’s not like I haven’t told him it’s wasteful.

Why would you keep half? Does he have to eat it all? I thought he wasnt eating any because he was getting takeway?

I’m sorry, what?

I honestly don’t know why some posters keep going on about the dinners. I’ve been told now several times that it’s my fault that the food is going to waste and that I should give it to ds for his lunch or give it to someone else.

Let me be very clear.

If ds says he’ll be home for dinner then me, or my husband plate him up a dinner.

Sometimes he then says he’s not hungry, leaves it on the side and promises he’ll have it for lunch the next day, but then he doesn’t bother. Sometimes he picks at half of it then says he’s not hungry.

It’s not my fault that he’s not eating the dinners in favour of ordering takeaways. I can’t give the food to anyone else because it’s either half eaten, or left in the fridge because ds promised to eat it then didn’t.

Don't cook him any meals. He is 17, he can cook his own meals.

I agree with others who have said that you need to let him deal with the consequences of burning through his money so quickly. The problem is that he knows that you’ll always be there to bail him out, so he can waste his money without consequence.

He needs to ‘feel’ the weight of his actions.

However, I do think that driving him to work is ok. Him working is an excellent thing, and you don’t want to discourage that. My parents drove me to my part-time job until I got my first car.

Honestly, just give him an allowance and leave him to it. Tell him you will not be able to do lifts to work in 4 weeks time so he’ll have to sort something else out. A few 2 hour trips on a bus will focus him on finding a new job. Same with bus fare. If he doesn’t have enough for the bus to college, he can walk (and literally don’t let him back in the house). I know this last one sounds a bit mad but my DM got completely fed up with my lazy teenage DBro and after missing the bus for yet again, kicked him out the house and told him to walk. She then refused to allow him back in the house until it was the usual time for him to come home. DBro was not happy and all the neighbours came out to watch the public spectacle unfold on the drive. He eventually walked to sixth form, 3 hours late and had a bollocking from the teachers as well for good measure 😁he was never late for the bus again