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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going back to ex husband mainly for son to feel happy again

79 replies

GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 08:41

I broke up with my husband in January and my son ( aged 13 ) just can’t accept it

The guilt is destroying our relationship as he holds me fully responsible as it was my choice to leave and his dad moved back to his parents so son could stay close to school etc

Hos dad is a good dad and good provider but lacks emotion, we had no connection between us which then filtered into me feeling like an emotional wreck a lot of the time and his looking at me like I was crazy.

It affected our sex life as it all felt very disconnected.

He is begging to come home - he is struggling being away from us to an extent that I am very worried about him but more so our son of course.

Im so worried about trying again and it going wrong and my son hating me even more that it’s stopping me doing it but then every day I’m faced with the guilt that I’ve ripped his family apart.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/07/2025 08:44

Don't do it. If you do, when you realise all those problems are still there you'll feel extra stuck when it comes to leaving again.

Is your ex leaning on the bairn with his emotions maybe? I'd be having a chat with your husband and telling him it's not going to happen, he needs to sort out a home of his own. While this limbo is going on, nobody can move on.

Don't do it man, you'll regret it terribly.

Forlocalqs · 07/07/2025 08:45

Yabu to go back to an unhappy relationship for your son’s sake.
As he’s old enough to understand a bit, try and explain to him how sometimes staying in the wrong relationship is worse for everyone and that although things are still painful at the moment, they will get easier.

TheSandgroper · 07/07/2025 08:48

No, don’t do it. Explain to ds that being a son is very different to being a husband or a wife. Don’t go into too much detail- he doesn’t need that. But you are making an adult decision for the good of everyone.

SomebodySedateMee · 07/07/2025 08:52

Do you want your son to grow up in an environment where he thinks you and your husband’s relationship is normal?

You’ve made the break, I know you think it would be easier to go back as everyone (your son, your ex) would be happy. But you wouldn’t be.

If you go back for their sake, you may find yourself resenting not only your husband but your son. As someone who stayed in a loveless marriage longer than I should have because of my children, stay separated. Get a divorce, communicate effectively with your son that you and your ex will not be together ever again. Remind him that he will still see his dad and spend time with him but you both will no longer be in a relationship.

It’s hard, upsetting but the other option is that you spend the rest of your life miserable.

Pinky1256 · 07/07/2025 08:54

Do you still love your ex? If you love him and he were willing to go to counselling if give it another try, only then.

If you're done for good, then your son will understand some day.

femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 08:56

Isn't it possible to save the relationship?. Can you get relationship counselling ?. Can you learn to understand each other better and navigate each other. Nobody is perfect. Does your husband understand where you are coming from now?

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 08:58

You have posted about this before, multiple times, no?

When your son visits your whining ex, he gets bombarded with unfair emotional abuse about how sad he is.

Son then also turns on his own emotional abuse and manipulation of you.

Your daughter quite rightly can't stand him.

You had another boyfriend your son didn't know about.

No, my answer is the same. Fuck them both off and realise you are doing your son no favours by indulging your ridiculous abusive ex.

Gowlett · 07/07/2025 08:58

It’s just a very hard age for that to happen. My first boyfriend, his parents spilt when the kids were teens. He was so down in his mum, who was holding the show together at home. And his dad, who had to move, to get work during a recession (1980s) was the hero. He gets on with him mum now, but at the time he focused his anger on her. Your son will grow up, but right now, this is what he’s feeling. It’s so hard to split up, it really is.

NCForThatForumM · 07/07/2025 09:20

GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 08:41

I broke up with my husband in January and my son ( aged 13 ) just can’t accept it

The guilt is destroying our relationship as he holds me fully responsible as it was my choice to leave and his dad moved back to his parents so son could stay close to school etc

Hos dad is a good dad and good provider but lacks emotion, we had no connection between us which then filtered into me feeling like an emotional wreck a lot of the time and his looking at me like I was crazy.

It affected our sex life as it all felt very disconnected.

He is begging to come home - he is struggling being away from us to an extent that I am very worried about him but more so our son of course.

Im so worried about trying again and it going wrong and my son hating me even more that it’s stopping me doing it but then every day I’m faced with the guilt that I’ve ripped his family apart.

I'd go back. Stick it out until your Son finishes school and split then. It doesn't even sound that bad.

Rowen32 · 07/07/2025 09:36

OP, is this you again? Come on. Forget about the two men, support your son through the transition and stop posting multiple times leaving half the information out.

Hankunamatata · 07/07/2025 09:37

You will make a bigger mess if you try again

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/07/2025 09:38

femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 08:56

Isn't it possible to save the relationship?. Can you get relationship counselling ?. Can you learn to understand each other better and navigate each other. Nobody is perfect. Does your husband understand where you are coming from now?

I think it would be better to source counselling for her son, to help him to understand that sometimes relationships just aren’t working anymore.

ChoccieCornflake · 07/07/2025 09:41

You've posted many times, and pretty much everyone says the same - don't go back. What on earth would it teach your son if you went back just because he demand it? That women are there to deny their feelings just to make men happy?

femfemlicious · 07/07/2025 09:54

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/07/2025 09:38

I think it would be better to source counselling for her son, to help him to understand that sometimes relationships just aren’t working anymore.

Show quote history

I only gave advice based on what she posted it didn't seem so bad and looks like something that can be fixed. obviously I haven't seen her previous posts to know the full situation. From what she posted I would try to fix it, sometimes marriage needs work and help because we are all imperfect beings

teenmaw · 07/07/2025 10:01

I went back for the same reason as you, realised quickly it was a massive mistake, then was stuck another 4 years. Awful. It’s had a terrible impact on my children too, I should have stayed away 😣

Outofthemoonlight · 07/07/2025 10:03

What @PeapodMcgee and @MrsSkylerWhite said.

and stop trying to manipulate Mumsnetters into giving you the answer you happen to want today by leaving out vital information from your previous threads.

To avoid all doubt:
Do NOT take him back.
But your son would clearly benefit from counselling

Original poster
GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 13:27

I’m sorry
I’m just so confused
My brain can no longer think straight

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 07/07/2025 13:31

You keep posting half a story though so any advice you get is going to be skewed. The only reason to get back with your husband is if you really want to for you, and you’ve both done the work to understand what went wrong and to fix that between you first. Going back because you feel guilty, or because there’s emotional manipulation to do so simply isn’t going to end well.

Outofthemoonlight · 07/07/2025 13:52

GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 13:27

I’m sorry
I’m just so confused
My brain can no longer think straight

I get it. But you don’t need to make any big decisions today.

Stay where you are - don’t take him back. You can revisit some other time, when you are hopefully less confused.

In the meantime arrange - separate - counselling for yourself and your son.

Rabbitsockpeony · 07/07/2025 13:53

GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 13:27

I’m sorry
I’m just so confused
My brain can no longer think straight

Don’t go back. The plaster has already been ripped off, now it must heal. If you went back, nothing would have changed, and you’d either waste the rest of your life in abject misery, or you’d have to leave again, and your son would go through it all over again.

You’ve done the right thing.

Is there any neurodivergence at play with your son? And indeed your husband?

Original poster
GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 14:02

Rabbitsockpeony · 07/07/2025 13:53

Don’t go back. The plaster has already been ripped off, now it must heal. If you went back, nothing would have changed, and you’d either waste the rest of your life in abject misery, or you’d have to leave again, and your son would go through it all over again.

You’ve done the right thing.

Is there any neurodivergence at play with your son? And indeed your husband?

Show quote history

Husband is self diagnosed ASD
He won’t go through testing as he says he’s got to 45 without knowing so what’s the point

I have ADHD and so does son
Possible ASD with son too but hasn’t been severe enough to warrant testing

Why do you ask this? x

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/07/2025 16:41

GuiltRidden9 · 07/07/2025 13:27

I’m sorry
I’m just so confused
My brain can no longer think straight

But this is the intention. My ex worked the same way, wait it out, grind me down until I just gave in to take the pressure off.

Stand firm. Tell your ex to piss off and tell him to stop emotionally abusing your son to make you give in.

Personally I'd think about moving house. One the ex hasn't lived in.

outerspacepotato · 07/07/2025 16:49

You can't let your son dictate your life. That's way beyond his pay grade. If he can't deal with you saying no, off to therapy he goes.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 16:52

Ah yes, I remember telling OP months ago, if not last year, that her son is not too young to be told to piss off with his harassment, quite frankly.

MaggieBsBoat · 07/07/2025 16:54

It’s a fabulous way to teach your son that he can emotionally blackmail a female into doing his bidding.

of course YABU!!!

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