Going back to ex husband mainly for son to feel happy again

[GuiltRidden9]

I broke up with my husband in January and my son ( aged 13 ) just can’t accept it

The guilt is destroying our relationship as he holds me fully responsible as it was my choice to leave and his dad moved back to his parents so son could stay close to school etc

Hos dad is a good dad and good provider but lacks emotion, we had no connection between us which then filtered into me feeling like an emotional wreck a lot of the time and his looking at me like I was crazy.

It affected our sex life as it all felt very disconnected.

He is begging to come home - he is struggling being away from us to an extent that I am very worried about him but more so our son of course.

Im so worried about trying again and it going wrong and my son hating me even more that it’s stopping me doing it but then every day I’m faced with the guilt that I’ve ripped his family apart.

Have you arranged counselling - for yourself in the first instance (and, given the state you’re in this is now urgent), but also for your son?

Until you do, you will continue to be confused and acting in a panic brought on by your own emotions.

It would be cruel to get back with a man who clearly loves you but you are not in love with that way

You are both better apart and will be happier in the long run

Concentrate on ensuring your son spends quality, stable time with both you and his dad separately and get him some counselling to deal with his feelings

Do not go back...you will end up miserable or end up leaving again and dping that a second time would make things 100 times worse

Maybe let your son live with his dad? I know he’s wanting you together but maybe he’s missing the male 1:1 time which he will inevitably get more of if the dad is his primary carer?
And I do stand by my previous comment about it teaching him to emotional manipulation works.

I have arranged counselling for myself
ExH wanted to do counselling together too which I don’t know if I should be agreeing to or not
I just want everyone to be okay but I’m constantly in a state of panic now where I don’t know what the answer is
The fear of not being able to make it work and having to split all over again and what that will do to my son freezes me into doing nothing

Son can’t live with his dad as dad is living with parents so no room and a long way from school
Son just wants to be at home with both of us 😥

I keep thinking about trying to live together but we did this before and it was awful

Hang onto that. Have your counselling but don’t go for joint counselling. Start work by working on you.

DS is possibly going to be relentless about what he wants. But he doesn’t get to make adult decisions about the adults in his life. So he doesn’t get to make decisions about you.

DS no doubt wants his life back as it used to be. Divorce can be awful for children, so I get that. He's likely not realised that returning to the pre separation state isn't one of the possibilities here. That there isn't a reset button.

Don’t do anything until you have had a few counselling sessions.

Do counselling on your own.
Moving back in together is a short fix to stop feeling bad.
But the decision is the right one.
You will bitterly regret giving in, will no doubt reverse the decision again and ultimately give your son and ex husband another stick to beat you with.

It will make tjings a lot worse.
Stick with your decision.
Your son needs to share a bedroom with his father if he doesn't want to live with you.

Put it all back on your husband to sort out accommodation for his son.

Could you move out instead OP, let DS live with his dad in the family home? Perhaps he's missing him more being the same sex parent. Perhaps time spent living solely with his dad will help him to understand why the relationship ended, and at least your ex won't be able to use the struggling away from his son line as an excuse.

@GuiltRidden9 getting back together is not the answer.

You can’t allow this emotional blackmail to direct your life.

OP, if you are the previous poster, why don’t you give a shit about what your daughter wants? She is equally distressed by the thought of him moving back in with you, because he was horrible to her.

You don’t seem to care about that at all. Why do you and she have to be sacrificed on the altar of what your DS and DH want? Because she’s a girl and what she wants doesn’t matter?

@LemondrizzleShark - this is interesting….. so there is a daughter involved as well? It’s so confusing, not knowing the full story.

@GuiltRidden9 - can you tell us more about your daughter?

However, the fundamentals remain unchanged - OP desperately needs counselling and she mustn’t let her husband move back into the marital home.

What does your daughter want?

I understand that us as parents are only as happy as our unhappiest child and it can be a bit all consuming, but you have to think of the one who's no bother.

Your ex needs to get his own place. That's the next step so your son can make a choice. Not you caving, which he's waiting you out for.

Get that sentence in your head when it comes up. 'get your own place ' and say it as an answer every time it comes up.

where did you read that he is emotionally abusing the son?

Sorry, but your son also needs to grow up. I know you say that he says this has ruined his life but he’s a teenager. I’m sure when you give him a baked potato instead of chips for dinner he’ll say that you’ve ruined his life. You need to be happy too and your ex needs to sort himself out.

does your ex work and support you financially?

I'm sorry your son is unhappy but this is your life. You can't stay in an unhappy relationship to make your son happy. It won't be long and your Don will get off building his own life.

The OP has started multiple threads about her broken marriage. Somewhere along the way she said that her husband is coercing the son to put pressure on his mum to allow the dad to move back into. Or words to that effect.

It is all rather confusing because it seems that we never get the full story.

Yes that is enough. You don’t need to be married and have unwanted sex with a man just because he isn’t violently abusive. It should be something you positively love and want.

I’m sorry
I’m not thinking straight at all
Ill add more details to this thread - it’s all been such a mess I can’t keep up with what I’ve even said on each thread

We have a DD as well ( twin to DS so also 13 ) she is autistic and has a strained relationship with her dad

It’s very hard to know whether this is because they are incredibly similar or whether he should have put in a lot more effort with her over the years regardless as she can feel uncomfortable around him due to the long silences or even now when he’s trying very hard with her - messaging lots, offering to take her places or buy her things as she sees this as all new behaviour so not genuine at all

He says he just finds knowing what to say or do with a daughter as oppose to a son who has similar interests as him much harder and because she doesn’t naturally initiate much conversation it would be down to him to do - he then doesn’t and it all does feel awkward

I’ve felt the same with him over the years so do really sympathise with her however she is the same as him but I don’t think she sees that and expects him to have done all the work and that she doesnt need to meet halfway

DS is naturally loud and sociable so ExH doesn’t need to work at that - it’s almost done for him but this has been hard for DD to witness

She said she doesn’t care if he comes back or not as he’s here half the week anyway ( I stay with my parents so he can see the kids in the family home as neither child want to visit him at his parents tiny flat )

Financially he cannot afford to live alone

You’d be totally wrong to cave in to emotional blackmail by a 13 year old and would also be prioritising your son over your daughter. What message does that send her?

I don’t think you should go back. Your son will just need to get over it. Plenty of kids grow up in families with separated parents and are fine.

Stop favoring your son over your daughter.

I think your son needs counselling. That is an extreme reaction from a 13 year old boy, particularly if he has regular contact with his dad. Does his dad tell your son how unhappy he is? Is he leaning on your son for emotional support?

You can't let your son use emotional blackmail to make you go back to a man who doesn't make you happy. He is being manipulative and over-dramatic.

Don't martyr yourself. You've made your choice and your son will come around.

Be clear and firm that you love him but you also love you. Don't let him see you feeling bad or doubtful. And tell your ex to make sure his son is being respectful towards you

Stay strong and dont go back xx

Yes ExH has sadly made it very very clear that this was my choice and that he would be doing anything in the world to fix it if I would let him
The problem is there isn’t something to “ fix “ as such as just an underlying feeling that we aren’t compatible and that leaves me feeling very lonely and empty a lot of the time
Now when he tries to be chatty or have a laugh or be affectionate it feels really weird because it’s never been like this