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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up masturbation?

115 replies

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 01:35

I see my boyfriend everyday, we have sex most days, fairly new relationship but have known each other for 17 years. But I still masturbate sometimes. Maybe once or twice a week. Nothing to do with sex with him, just sometimes I need to unwind and it helps. Sometimes it helps me sleep. He hates the fact I do it. Thinks it means I think he’s shit in bed (he really isnt, he’s actually probably the best I’ve had in bed) but he wants me to give it up. I’ve asked if it’s a deal breaker and he said it might be…
what would you do?
do you still masturbate even if a happy relationship with a healthy sex life?

OP posts:
JifNtGif · 07/07/2025 07:09

A nanna nap 😂

Beeloux · 07/07/2025 07:13

Just do it and don’t tell him. I do it often. I’ve never even mentioned it to a partner and if one asked if I did I would say no. Merely because it’s none of their business.

SaintNoMountainHighEnough · 07/07/2025 07:15

You do you love. (er, literally?)

If it helps you sleep and relax then frankly, who is anyone to judge.

Tahlbias · 07/07/2025 07:19

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 02:44

I think so too tbh. I’m going to be on my guard but what I’ve done is added 5 hearts next to his name and each time he shows worrying behaviour or behaviour I just don’t like then I’ll remove a heart, once all the hearts are gone the next thing to go will be his name and contact in full and he’ll be gone

Show quote history

That is a very good idea! My husband (together 18 years, married 6) loves to watch me masturbate and encourages it. It's healthy with or without your partner. Don't let you partner control what you can and can't do. It's your body!

cloudyblueglass · 07/07/2025 07:20

Controlling fragile little man. In my experience it will only get worse

StarlightLady · 07/07/2025 07:21

Beeloux · 07/07/2025 07:13

Just do it and don’t tell him. I do it often. I’ve never even mentioned it to a partner and if one asked if I did I would say no. Merely because it’s none of their business.

It is nobody else’s business. Bur neither is it something that we should be ashamed of. And for that reason l don’t think anyone need lie.

Men need a greater understanding of womens’ needs and they are not going to find that out from talking to other men.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 07/07/2025 07:25

He's controlling and insecure. Does he control other things? Does he comment on you clothing or your friends? If he's at yours every night when do you get time to yourself or go out with friends? Do you have a life outside of him?

Hollietree · 07/07/2025 07:27

This has nothing to do with masturbation. But everything to do with his fragile ego and his need to control you.

Run. I am not joking. End this relationship. There is 0% chance that beside this issue he will be a loving and supportive partner. This is showing you very very clearly that he is controlling, he think he owns your body. There will be much more worse to come from this man.

Branleuse · 07/07/2025 07:30

It wouldn't do HIM any good to think he can control someone else to this extent, and its a big sign that he is controlling and insecure.

Dont agree to it. Masturbation is your right.

If he feels insecure, then that's his stuff to work through, but youve given him no reason to be insecure. You have sex lots. You see him loads. You are into him.
No need for him to start putting guilt trips on you about having a cheeky wank here and there if thats what you fancy. Who the hell does he think he is?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/07/2025 07:35

LotaWyseWomen · 07/07/2025 04:28

Was sleeping at yours every night agreed? And does he pay his way? It sounds as if he’s moved in by stealth. He should be paying half of the food and the bills as minimum. And as he’s basically moved in, half the rent and council tax… that is if you want him to be there every night, which is basically moving in.

I am pretty confident he’s not paying his way here and yet has decided he should be able to dictate what goes on in your home, which you pay for, yourself, and he’s using / taking advantage of every single night.

These are more big flappy red flags. From what you’ve said they’ll be many more. Just adding 2 more. One for moving in by stealth and another for not paying his way. 🚩 🚩

Show quote history

This^

why is he at yours every day/night when it’s a “fairly new relationship”? You should just be dating and having fun, not moving in.

BeardofHagrid · 07/07/2025 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ZingyStork · 07/07/2025 07:40

Nothing wrong with what you are doing. There is no way he should be telling you what to do. From a male point of view there's nothing nicer than watching your partner pleasuring themselves, we all do it.

Uol2022 · 07/07/2025 07:41

This is a stupid thing for him to ask of you. Maybe if he’s concerned your sex drive with him is low I could understand opening a conversation around that. Or if he doesn’t like you watching porn I think that’s reasonable to ask you to stop. But he can’t honestly expect to control whether you touch your own body at all?

Jennyathemall · 07/07/2025 07:45

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 02:06

Oh gosh, here we go again: another obvious attempt to get people (women in particular) to talk about their sex lives. Urgh. Is there not enough online material to peruse without getting a thrill by trying to "trick" women into giving up their "rampant rabbit" visitation preferences???

  1. There is nothing wrong with masturbation.
  2. One partner trying to control another partner's "solo flying" is inappropriate.
  3. The caveat is if the self-pleasure is impacting or detracting from the couple's intimate time together; or is impacting the person's regular life (i.e. people with a sex addiction); or is based on an inappropriate contact with another person/images (i.e. online contacts that go beyond looking at photos of Pedro Pascal, or Tom Hardy, or Magic Mike, or whoever floats your boat).

Yup. Expecting this post to get taken down imminently as MN “looks at thing behind the scenes”

Locutus2000 · 07/07/2025 08:00

You guys fall for this bollocks every time some random pervert posts it.

Original poster
Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:16

ConcernedOfClapham · 07/07/2025 07:04

If he gives you a smack, does he lose one heart or two?
Or all of them?

Not trying to be flippant, but this isn’t the way to approach this, sorry.

Show quote history

Woah. Slight escalation there! Physical violence is an absolute no. Aswell as a bunch of other things will have his sorry ass out of the door in a heartbeat! When I say worrying behaviours I mean like off hand comments or things that niggle at my brain. But there haven’t been any until this comment so anymore like this really

OP posts:
Original poster
Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:17

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/07/2025 07:08

My thoughts exactly. How old ARE you?

Show quote history

I’m 36 🤣 far from a naive little baby

OP posts:
Summerartwitch · 07/07/2025 08:20

Red flag.

He is an insecure, controlling, man child.

Dump him.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 07/07/2025 08:20

@Gwendoline1989 I'm afraid that your reasons for believing him that he doesn't masturbate just don't stand up in reality. Masturbating isn't the same as having an affair, when you would usually need to take a little longer, and it wouldn't be so easy to find somewhere 'safe' to have sex with someone else.

When at work men will pretend to need to do a number 2, and go into a cubicle in the men's toilets. When at home, if your bathroom has a lock on it, he will do it there, if it doesn't, and he feels the need, he will just risk you walking in on him. He could also do it in his car while it is parked - hopefully not too close to anyone else...

I just wanted to tell you that I have had partners that have told me that they have done the deed in their works toilets when they are feeling particularly turned on -which was something we could talk about without anyone getting upset. Of course it would not be as easy for a woman to masturbate in a toilet's cubicle, and I certainly wouldn't want to do so anyway, even if I had just been flirting with someone really hot at work!

If he does masturbate at work - which is very likely as you say that most of his free time is accounted for - then that is ok (eww, but ok). Of course, what isn't ok, is him lying about masturbating, and trying to control you, and he probably hopes it makes you feel guilty as well...

Stilllifes · 07/07/2025 08:20

Huge red flag behaviour.
Controlling twat.

Read "Women who love too much" Robin Norwood.

This is not a good man.
He's a controlling arse.

Original poster
Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:23

Bananalanacake · 07/07/2025 07:09

What does he do when you have a night out without him. He has moved in by stealth, can you tell him to go back to his place and you'll meet for dates once or twice a week.

I went out saturday all day and then on the night time and he was fine with it?
he stays at his house
so there is a reason behind him seeing me so much. Back in decemeber I was seeing him but he barely made an effort and I just sort of went cold on him really because of exactly that. Then when he asked why I fell out of touch with him I told him I didn’t see him much, it was maybe once every other weekend. So he asked me to let him prove he could be there for me and make the effort
he doesn’t live here. He meal preps and eats at his house or work and then comes over to me. On a night time this is to chill and be with me, sometimes if the weather is nice we’ll go and chill on a blanket on the grass at anlocal water park. He drove me to the middle of wales last week in the middle of the night to show me the stars. Whenever we’re out he usually insists on paying and getting extras. So yesterday we went to starbucks and he always gets me a birthday cake cake pop. He earns more than me (considerably) so he mostly pays for things

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 07/07/2025 08:23

You say you’re 36 OP, do you have children? Or want them? Think very carefully about the relationships you pursue in the next year or so as it’s a crucial time fertility wise and you don’t want to waste it on a man who is remotely controlling.

Original poster
Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:28

Locutus2000 · 07/07/2025 08:00

You guys fall for this bollocks every time some random pervert posts it.

A random pervert? I’m a 36 year old (in august) single mum of twin 15 year old boys. I work in civil service in the west midlands. Not sure what makes me a pervert about asking for advice regarding this issue when I don’t have anyone else I can talk to? I thought this was a support network for people that needed it? Have I misunderstood what mumsnet is for?

OP posts:
SupposesRoses · 07/07/2025 08:30

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 02:44

I think so too tbh. I’m going to be on my guard but what I’ve done is added 5 hearts next to his name and each time he shows worrying behaviour or behaviour I just don’t like then I’ll remove a heart, once all the hearts are gone the next thing to go will be his name and contact in full and he’ll be gone

Show quote history

In a new relationship, one red flag is enough. Don’t waste your time and wait for there to be another four.

Original poster
Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:32

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 07/07/2025 08:20

@Gwendoline1989 I'm afraid that your reasons for believing him that he doesn't masturbate just don't stand up in reality. Masturbating isn't the same as having an affair, when you would usually need to take a little longer, and it wouldn't be so easy to find somewhere 'safe' to have sex with someone else.

When at work men will pretend to need to do a number 2, and go into a cubicle in the men's toilets. When at home, if your bathroom has a lock on it, he will do it there, if it doesn't, and he feels the need, he will just risk you walking in on him. He could also do it in his car while it is parked - hopefully not too close to anyone else...

I just wanted to tell you that I have had partners that have told me that they have done the deed in their works toilets when they are feeling particularly turned on -which was something we could talk about without anyone getting upset. Of course it would not be as easy for a woman to masturbate in a toilet's cubicle, and I certainly wouldn't want to do so anyway, even if I had just been flirting with someone really hot at work!

If he does masturbate at work - which is very likely as you say that most of his free time is accounted for - then that is ok (eww, but ok). Of course, what isn't ok, is him lying about masturbating, and trying to control you, and he probably hopes it makes you feel guilty as well...

I think that came across wrong tbh and I need to clarify I have absolutely no issue with him
masturbating at all! It was more than I don’t see where he’d have the time to but if he
does find the time then that’s absolutely fine? I think I’d be a
massive hypocrite if I had an issue with it!

OP posts: