To not want to give up masturbation?

[Gwendoline1989]

I see my boyfriend everyday, we have sex most days, fairly new relationship but have known each other for 17 years. But I still masturbate sometimes. Maybe once or twice a week. Nothing to do with sex with him, just sometimes I need to unwind and it helps. Sometimes it helps me sleep. He hates the fact I do it. Thinks it means I think he’s shit in bed (he really isnt, he’s actually probably the best I’ve had in bed) but he wants me to give it up. I’ve asked if it’s a deal breaker and he said it might be…
what would you do?
do you still masturbate even if a happy relationship with a healthy sex life?

He shouldn't even be tracking what you're doing!

This is unsustainable, that just because you're having a nap it means you've masturbated? What if you're a bit off from the heat or a virus, I can imagine he won't believe you.

This is so creepy, that he makes an assumption of what you've been doing based on you having a nap.

Is he so controlling in other areas of your life?

You're allowed to do things he doesn't know about to your own body.

You're allowed time to yourself without him knowing what you're doing.

You're entitled to privacy!

I think so too tbh. I’m going to be on my guard but what I’ve done is added 5 hearts next to his name and each time he shows worrying behaviour or behaviour I just don’t like then I’ll remove a heart, once all the hearts are gone the next thing to go will be his name and contact in full and he’ll be gone

I think this is just prolonging things to be honest, and if he slowly turns the heat up then you won’t necessarily be removing his name quick enough before you’re in too deep and letting him get away with things regardless because you’re too attached. There isn’t a man on this planet I would let control me in this manner or keep track of my day to day routine. He’s a massive red flag and a creep. You need rid now before it gets even harder for you.

It will still be a problem, because it's not about wanking, it's about control.

I think so too tbh. I’m going to be on my guard but what I’ve done is added 5 hearts next to his name and each time he shows worrying behaviour or behaviour I just don’t like then I’ll remove a heart, once all the hearts are gone the next thing to go will be his name and contact in full and he’ll be gone
So he gets 6 chances ( including this one) to cause you distress?
Madness, but if that's what you want to do, its on you.

I had a boyfriend like that in my 20s- made me throw away my vibrator, that was just the start, he turned out to be an absolute controlling psychopath.

How did your current partner’s previous relationship end? I bet he has told you she was ‘crazy’.

JFC. Imagine thinking he has the right to even ask this let alone control it. Huge red flags.

🚩

In all seriousness: dump him. That's an unacceptable level of control to try to exercise over one's partner, and his "all about meeeeeeee!" attitude probably indicates that he's not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway.

If you can't let go of masturbation you should be honest with him so he can find a woman he can have what he considers a healthy sex life with. Lots of people aren't okay with their partner masturbating but it's so commonplace thanks to Mindgeek and co that it's normalised. I personally think it's an unhealthy habit in a relationship but if you'd rather fiddle yourself than have a relationship with this man that's your choice and you have a right to it. What I don't think you have a right to is lying to him over it like some posters are reccomending. There are lots of benefits to abstaining from masturbation, but the more you do it the more reinforced the behaviour is.

yep

Was sleeping at yours every night agreed? And does he pay his way? It sounds as if he’s moved in by stealth. He should be paying half of the food and the bills as minimum. And as he’s basically moved in, half the rent and council tax… that is if you want him to be there every night, which is basically moving in.

I am pretty confident he’s not paying his way here and yet has decided he should be able to dictate what goes on in your home, which you pay for, yourself, and he’s using / taking advantage of every single night.

These are more big flappy red flags. From what you’ve said they’ll be many more. Just adding 2 more. One for moving in by stealth and another for not paying his way. 🚩 🚩

Crikey, this meaness of spirit would be a big turnoff for me. What an insecure little man, thinking it's all about him. Life's too short OP. I bet this stinginess and control is expressed in other ways too in your relationship.

Jesus Christ. What?!

You need to be firm say it’s your body and you won’t be questioned or dictated to about it . If h can’t accept it then this is not the right relationship. No one should feel they have the right to control you.

You don't need permission to touch your own body.

This is absolutely insane.

This is enough of a reason to break up with him op, you don't need to play some weird relationship hangman, and that's too many chances to give him - dump him

He's being unreasonable.

Just do it and don't tell him - sorted.

Yep. He's lying, so he makes OP think shes his sole sexual outlet, and he is hers. Which leads to coercion. If she doesn't want to, he'll complain he has blue balls and "needs" it. And of course, that she must be lying to him and wanking on the side, or cheating.

Edited as I thought about it a bit more!

Never mind don’t tell him - that suggests she’s doing something wrong and needs to keep it a secret so he won’t break up with her. She should find some self respect and dump his sorry controlling arse quicker than he can even say masturbation.

She is the owner of her own body and she can bloody well do what she likes without his permission. The very fact he feels he has the right to give her that permission is a massive cheek and I felt angry when I read it at the thought of any partner of mine dictating to me like that!

People are always quick to say Dump Him on MN but OP may not feel ready to dump him yet or would have done so rather than posting on MN.

No doubt this has put her off him somewhat but she is not ready to dump him just yet so I was being pragmatic.

She knows what he’s doing is wrong somewhere deep down else she wouldn’t have posted on here in the first place. It’s a new relationship and he already feels he can tell her what she can and can’t do and get pissed off when she has naps. Wtf!! It’s a new relationship so she needs to get rid of him before she gets more attached and makes it harder for herself.

Some people need everyone to say dump him so they can get some perspective, especially if they’ve been in abusive relationships previously and can’t see the wood for the trees or are very young.

There is no other sensible advice to give other than dump!! What else are you expecting? She should not have to keep things secret in case her abusive boyfriend gets angry over a normal adult human behaviour.

What else am I expecting? To be able to give my opinion on OPs dilemma for one thing without being targeted by you.

Not everyone has to agree with you - you're as bad as OPs boyfriend if you think they do.