Yeah it is what it is. I have botox, diet, get highlights, use self tan now and then, use good skincare products and makeup, get my lashes done, nails. I do care what I look like as I guess it has always been something like my currency. At school I had a big family trauma early secondary, so I feel sad that I never had the experience of being a carefree teen experimenting with hair, makeup etc. It just wasnt on my radar, so I focused on work etc. and did well without the distractions of looks.
Anyway, I found my confidence at uni, put on some weight as I was always very skinny, grew curves etc. Started wearing makeup. I remember clearly at one christmas party in a pub at home, a few years after school, I walked in and all the guys I was at school with did double takes, started nudging each other pushing each other towards me when I went to the bar etc. It was surreal. Some of them couldn't even look me in the eye. That was the first time I realised I could probably use my looks to my advantage.
However, im a decent person so instead of going full Regina George, I became more intelligent through study (I now have four university qualifications), more interesting through travel (have lived in a few countries) more compassionate through volunteering (community outreach projects, educational charities) and more maternal generally through not just having my kids, but happily being the central house of all their social gatherings, keeping fridge stocked etc. I also feel completely fulfilled through my work, which is with young people. My marriage has had ups and downs but we work on it....we have a lot of fun. Another thing, it is hard when you enter relationship....you wonder if they are with you for who you are or what you look like. I had a crisis of confidence recently and my husband said, look, we all get older, but I can't laugh with anyone like I do with you, and there's no one I'd rather spend time with. Which is golden to hear after 20 years together.
I always said I didn't care what i looked like but that is not true, and I can see those words are hollow coming from someone who has been lauded for their looks. Seeing the first wrinkles wasn't great. I then realised if I woke up looking like an average, overweight, 50 something older woman, (i dont know, like e.g. a Margaret from Wycombe being randomly interviewed on train strikes on the news) I wouldn't be too happy. Which made me question myself and realise I was actually very shallow.
However. I think I look better now than I did in my 20s when I was drinking too much, hanging around in smoky bars, eating crap, never taking my makeup off or getting enough sleep, etc. Obviously i look older. But I've worked hard to make sure my life is richer than just looks.
I just zipped up the very tight dress I wore to my hen do 16 years ago, when I dieted for our wedding (I've been actively losing a bit of weight as I've got a full on summer). Seeing my husband's reaction was worth it. I've seen pictures of myself looking pretty great in shorts and mini dresses at concerts/festivals recently and maybe when I was younger I'd have thought, God thats embarrassing being that old and still dressing young. Now, I just think, looking good is a small part of who I am. I won't pretend I don't care, because I do. So I am still a bit shallow 🤷♀️but I like to think there are hidden depths too! Humour, integrity, compassion. And I'm intent on passing that on to my pretty teens. I'm glad I didnt have social media in my youth. That could have set me on a self obsessed path.