Partner relapsed with his drinking when alone with the kids

0Worriedmum3 · 2025-07-06T23:18:51+00:00

Reposting here for traffic Been with DP 10 yrs. He’s had drink issues in the past – nothing violent but just couldn’t stop once he started. It got really bad in lockdown, he was furloughed and just lost all structure. He ended up getting done for drink driving and I told him that was it, I’d leave if he didn’t get help. To be fair to him, he did. AA, proper help, stayed sober 4 yrs. Things had actually been good for a long while. Last week I found out I’m pregnant – total shock, had the coil in so thought I was safe. Not gonna lie I freaked out a bit. We’ve got 3 DC already and this was not in the plan. I told him and he was… weird. Didn’t say much. Then the next day he was all “whatever you want to do, I’ll support you” and acted calm but you could tell he was knocked by it. Fast forward to today – I went out with my sister for a couple of hours. First time I’ve done anything for myself in ages. Came back and found him drunk. Full on whisky bottle out, slurring, glassy-eyed, the lot. Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart. I tried to say something and DP just looked at me and downed what was left in the bottle like it was a big “f**k you” and went up to bed. I’ve come down to sleep on the sofa. I don’t feel safe up there. Back when he used to drink, he’d always try it on with me when he was like that and would get really pissy if I said no. Not aggressive but pushy and sulky. Sober he’s never like that, hasn’t been for years. But tonight I just couldn’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and hurt and scared this is the start of it all happening again. He’s not said a word since it happened, just passed out. I feel like I’m sat here watching my life fall apart and I’ve got another baby coming on top of it all. I don’t even know what I want from this post. Just needed to write it down.

coxesorangepippin · 07/07/2025 00:28

That's serious stuff, a full bottle of whiskey

Your teen parenting your youngest child (and her father by the sounds of it)

Think carefully about another child with this man, he obviously has a huge problem

AuntMarch · 07/07/2025 00:32

I'm really sorry OP. I have no useful advice to give but I didn't want to not reply, forums can be a lobely place at this time of night and I wanted you to know you had been heard at least.

Have you spoken to your teen since?

Caerulea · 07/07/2025 00:35

OP - you said you're re-posting, did this happen tonight?

If so, can you gather the kids up & go somewhere? For me, personally, this would be over - you need to work out what it means for you & what message your next steps give to your teen DS.

But you should NEVER feel scared of being in the same room as your partner.

Wemdubz · 07/07/2025 00:37

I understand your fear, it’s horrible to be around someone when they are under the influence to that extent and are at that ‘fuck you’ stage.

Are you linking the relapse to the pregnancy announcement? Or is there anything else going on in life that he is not dealing with well so has turned to his old poor coping strategy? Not that it really matters right now what might have triggered it; you will just be on pins now wondering what comes next.

Has anything else happened since you posted? Are the children all asleep?

Dazzlemered · 07/07/2025 00:43

Your poor DS, I’m so glad he was at home to take care of your little ones. You said you could see it in his face that he knew. Don’t let it be his normal.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 00:45

This can never happen again. He will leave tomorrow and sort himself out, not to return until he's sober 6 months, or at all. I would, personally, have an abortion.

Rayqueen · 07/07/2025 01:41

I feel so sorry for the kids. You say it's been a long time but what they've seen,heard, witnessed for years and still young should never ever have happened. I wouldn't have stayed but hey you stayed and it's gone wrong again, poor kids. My sister had a baby and her other half started drinking in lockdown badly. She gave him a choice he stop or she would leave with the baby. Didn't matter he wasn't violent or abusive being almost permanently drunk around a baby wasnt the life she wanted. He chose the drink and 6 months into lockdown she came to stay with us for the rest of it with baby. He now ex partner is still an alcoholic doesn't see his son and hasn't changed. But the lovely,smiley little boy with not a care in the world has been protected by her from all that negative influence that he could have seen had she stayed.

GoldDuster · 07/07/2025 01:58

I wouldn't be adding a baby into this.

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:32

Omg OP - both my parents had drink problems - so I totally empathise

DRINK RUINS FAMILIES

My mum’s drinking was worse because she drank when I was a child.

My Dad started drinking when I was an adult so it was easier for me to manage

The description of your DH with the whisky bottle out reminds me so much of my Dad

its shitty OP and I so empathise ❤️

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:33

Personally I’d have the baby but leave the DH - as a girl who had not 1 but

2 ALCOHOLIC PARENTS!

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:34

Rayqueen · 07/07/2025 01:41

I feel so sorry for the kids. You say it's been a long time but what they've seen,heard, witnessed for years and still young should never ever have happened. I wouldn't have stayed but hey you stayed and it's gone wrong again, poor kids. My sister had a baby and her other half started drinking in lockdown badly. She gave him a choice he stop or she would leave with the baby. Didn't matter he wasn't violent or abusive being almost permanently drunk around a baby wasnt the life she wanted. He chose the drink and 6 months into lockdown she came to stay with us for the rest of it with baby. He now ex partner is still an alcoholic doesn't see his son and hasn't changed. But the lovely,smiley little boy with not a care in the world has been protected by her from all that negative influence that he could have seen had she stayed.

I wish my dad had done this to shield me from my mom

Haggisfish3 · 07/07/2025 07:34

I also would not bring another child into this and would look to leave in the longer term.

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:36

Dazzlemered · 07/07/2025 00:43

Your poor DS, I’m so glad he was at home to take care of your little ones. You said you could see it in his face that he knew. Don’t let it be his normal.

THIS.

IT WAS SADLY MY NORMAL AND IT WAS SHIT

YesHonestly · 07/07/2025 07:37

Another one saying I wouldn’t bring a baby into this mess and would be focusing on protecting the children who are already here and being damaged by this dynamic.

He needs to leave.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/07/2025 07:41

I hope you're doing ok this morning OP.
If I can offer one piece of advice, sit your DS down and have a really open conversation with him about it all. You said yourself you could see he knew what was happening. Regardless of what you might do with your DH, have that conversation with your DS.

I was about 12 when my mum sat me down and told me my dad was an alcoholic. Obviously I knew he drank, and was sometimes drunk and angry but that was my normal. It came as a shock to realise it wasn't normal. But it helped. I knew I could talk to my mum about it, and process what was going on.

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:46

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/07/2025 07:41

I hope you're doing ok this morning OP.
If I can offer one piece of advice, sit your DS down and have a really open conversation with him about it all. You said yourself you could see he knew what was happening. Regardless of what you might do with your DH, have that conversation with your DS.

I was about 12 when my mum sat me down and told me my dad was an alcoholic. Obviously I knew he drank, and was sometimes drunk and angry but that was my normal. It came as a shock to realise it wasn't normal. But it helped. I knew I could talk to my mum about it, and process what was going on.

Yes TOTALLY this

my mum was an alcoholic but no one had any sort of talk with me I was just left floundering

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2025 07:55

Personally I would terminate the pregnancy and end the relationship. At the very least I would ask him to remove himself from the house until he's sorted himself out.

He's had his chance and he's blown it. You will be permanently walking on eggshells worrying about what the next trigger will be for his drinking.

Focus on the kids you already have.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2025 07:59

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/07/2025 07:41

I hope you're doing ok this morning OP.
If I can offer one piece of advice, sit your DS down and have a really open conversation with him about it all. You said yourself you could see he knew what was happening. Regardless of what you might do with your DH, have that conversation with your DS.

I was about 12 when my mum sat me down and told me my dad was an alcoholic. Obviously I knew he drank, and was sometimes drunk and angry but that was my normal. It came as a shock to realise it wasn't normal. But it helped. I knew I could talk to my mum about it, and process what was going on.

My dad was also a (mainly high functioning) alcoholic. Not quite at the level where he would down a bottle of whiskey in one sitting but a bottle of wine every night. He was permanently anxious and grumpy and had a hair-trigger temper so we were constantly tiptoeing around him and it made for a very hard adolescence. I also thought this was normal and it took me a very very long time to work out that it wasn't.

A cautionary tale: I still blame my mum (who is dead) for this because I really resented her for never being able to put us first. It's not fair, because she was between a rock and a hard place and basically couldn't afford to leave. But it completely ruined my relationship with her and I've never really forgiven her for not at least be honest with us about it. Don't let that be you, OP. Now is the time to signal to your son that you won't sweep this under the carpet to keep the peace and that ultimately you're on his side.

saraclara · 07/07/2025 08:00

Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart.

What your husband did to your son is unforgivable.

I wouldn't be able to bring a baby into this. And I'd seriously be looking into a divorce. It seems he's incapable of remaining sober for the rest of your marriage, and the noisy important thing is that you don't feel safe when he's drunk.

I get that this happened under stress, but I still think this would be the end for me.

Stilllifes · 07/07/2025 08:03

I'm so sorry OP, but I would not be bringing another child into this situation.
Protect what you have.

Be honest with your 14 year old, thank him for looking after his siblings and let him know you are shocked but things will be ok.

He should pack a bag and go somewhere while you take space and think.

A bottle of whiskey tells me is a hardcore alcoholic.
I'm so sorry.

1457bloom · 07/07/2025 08:08

He needs help, tell him to go to AA, it’s free and will show him how to quit.

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 08:14

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2025 07:59

My dad was also a (mainly high functioning) alcoholic. Not quite at the level where he would down a bottle of whiskey in one sitting but a bottle of wine every night. He was permanently anxious and grumpy and had a hair-trigger temper so we were constantly tiptoeing around him and it made for a very hard adolescence. I also thought this was normal and it took me a very very long time to work out that it wasn't.

A cautionary tale: I still blame my mum (who is dead) for this because I really resented her for never being able to put us first. It's not fair, because she was between a rock and a hard place and basically couldn't afford to leave. But it completely ruined my relationship with her and I've never really forgiven her for not at least be honest with us about it. Don't let that be you, OP. Now is the time to signal to your son that you won't sweep this under the carpet to keep the peace and that ultimately you're on his side.

Show quote history

Very similar situation to yours but I’m an only child with mum the drinker

I would END THIS MARRIAGE NOW AND NO SECOND CHANCES 🤣

PollyBell · 07/07/2025 08:19

He had a drink problem before any children soon ypu will have 4 why do you think now would be any different?

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 08:22

SORRY MY LAUGHING EMOJI ABOVE WAS DONE BY ACCIDENT AND IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE AND I CAN’T EDIT!!

SORRY AGAIN AND PLEASE IGNORE IT ❤️

BunnyLake · 07/07/2025 08:42

CallingDistance · 07/07/2025 07:34

I wish my dad had done this to shield me from my mom

Show quote history

I’m sorry your dad didn’t. I left my ex when our children were very young so they didn’t grow up with a drunk dad in the house. Protecting them was the my only focus (he wasn’t a violent drunk but a permanently drunk parent is still unacceptable). He did get (and stay) sober but I would never have forgiven myself if I’d stayed.

OP he has used up all his chances and your good grace. It’s time to end this relationship once and for all as you can never trust him to stay sober and it will damage your children more than you can imagine. (I won’t advise re the baby as it’s not my place). Good luck 💐