Partner relapsed with his drinking when alone with the kids

[0Worriedmum3]

Reposting here for traffic

Been with DP 10 yrs. He’s had drink issues in the past – nothing violent but just couldn’t stop once he started. It got really bad in lockdown, he was furloughed and just lost all structure. He ended up getting done for drink driving and I told him that was it, I’d leave if he didn’t get help. To be fair to him, he did. AA, proper help, stayed sober 4 yrs. Things had actually been good for a long while.

Last week I found out I’m pregnant – total shock, had the coil in so thought I was safe. Not gonna lie I freaked out a bit. We’ve got 3 DC already and this was not in the plan. I told him and he was… weird. Didn’t say much. Then the next day he was all “whatever you want to do, I’ll support you” and acted calm but you could tell he was knocked by it.

Fast forward to today – I went out with my sister for a couple of hours. First time I’ve done anything for myself in ages. Came back and found him drunk. Full on whisky bottle out, slurring, glassy-eyed, the lot.
Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart.
I tried to say something and DP just looked at me and downed what was left in the bottle like it was a big “f**k you” and went up to bed.

I’ve come down to sleep on the sofa. I don’t feel safe up there. Back when he used to drink, he’d always try it on with me when he was like that and would get really pissy if I said no. Not aggressive but pushy and sulky. Sober he’s never like that, hasn’t been for years. But tonight I just couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and hurt and scared this is the start of it all happening again. He’s not said a word since it happened, just passed out. I feel like I’m sat here watching my life fall apart and I’ve got another baby coming on top of it all.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Just needed to write it down.

I’m so sorry. This is my worst fear. It’s not necessarily the case that it will immediately go back to how it was before - people can relapse and get back on track. His response today will be telling. I guess you need to separate the two things - 1) his drinking/ relapse, 2) talking about the pregnancy. I know they are connected but
I would also have a real talk with your son, what a great boy you’ve raised.

Aw you definitely did the right thing ❤️

Agree, that is what I would do too.

It’s a mess. Sorry you are having to cope with all this @0Worriedmum3

I have a slightly different view to others. It sonds like he's been sober for a decent amount of time and htis is a massive backslide, as a result of news that clearly he is not taking well.

This is not an excuse but it does impact how I think I'd react.

When he wakes up this morning, the key thing is does he know, instantly and immediately, that he's now back at crisis point and needs to instantly go and seek help? Is he apologetic? does he proactively apologise to you and DS and does he take himself off to get help?

Meanwhile, I think the message here is that he is really really not ready for another baby. Of course it is entirely up to you what you choose to do, but I don't think it's surprising that he does not appear to want this baby. As an alcoholic who has been trying ot stay sober, I can imagine the thought of another stressor added to his life at this time is overwhelming. that doesn't mean you have to terminate, I'm just saying that I understand why he is likely to not be keen. I know people who are many years further down the line of addiction issues who still are very guarded about new or stressful situations because they know they are triggers.

Nothing violent, just emotional abuse when I won't have sex and now I don't trust my own husband to sleep in bed with him?

This is so sad. He has to go for yours and the children's well being. Too much damage done.

Do you want another child? Can you do it alone?

Personally, no matter what happens, I think the kids you have will need you right now and you need to be there for you too.

I'm sorry OP x

Life is full of stresses, OP can’t be worrying every time a new stress pops up. Notice how OP isn’t turning to drink and she’s under a lot more stress than him! He needs to get off the ‘pity pot’!

Your poor (responsible and caring) son. I hope you praised him to the heavens for his actions.

Children shouldn’t have to witness that.

Your husband needs to leave. If you still love him, you consider having him back if and only when he can get sober and commit to staying so.

This morning has just been a horrible blur. DP was still out cold in bed when I got up. He’d wet himself in the night - which he used to do back when it was really bad. That hit me hard, seeing it again after all these years. This wasn’t some silly mistake or social drink, he chose to go and get a bottle of whisky - we’ve got no alcohol in the house because of his history so he had to go out and buy it. This was a deliberate thing, not a slip in the moment.

He still hasn’t said a word. Just came downstairs earlier, didn’t look at me, went back up with a glass of water. The shame is all over him but I don’t care right now. I’m angry and heartbroken.

To those saying they’d have an abortion in this situation - I hear you. I genuinely do. It’s gone through my mind a hundred times already. I don’t know what I’ll do yet. I’m only about 6 weeks. But it’s not a decision I’ll rush into. I just feel completely blindsided.

Some of you asked if I think the pregnancy triggered this — honestly, I’m not sure. He seemed okay when I told him, a bit shocked but said the right things. But maybe it was sitting underneath. He’s been sober since May 2021 so just over 4 years. I really thought he was solid. I let myself believe we were past it.

I’ve had a quiet word with DS14 this morning before the little ones got up. Just asked if he was ok. He shrugged and said he “just didn’t want them to see it like before.” He remembered. And that absolutely crushed me.

Not sure what today holds. I’ve told work I’m off sick.

How fucking dare he. The absolute prick.

When will that be if he relapsed after four years?

OP should absolutely leave him. Her ds is already getting damaged by it but if she dumps him now ds will have a much better chance of putting it behind him and be a mentally healthy adult. Imagine those kids in a few years if this self pitying, selfish twerp can’t be trusted in any given stressful situation.

He chose to open the whiskey when he was left in charge of the kids?
what an A hole. A self centred selfish prick of the highest order.

he has to go. Now. Doesn’t matter if he is sorry or anything else. You cannot put your 3 kids through this. Nor tread on eggshells forever wondering what will set him off.

and Change the locks and all of your passwords. And your kids passwords.

you don’t want unauthorised access to your or theirs personal info, nor unauthorised tracking.

he isn’t safe to have unsupervised access to any of your kids.

and sadly I would also consider NOT bringing a 4th child into this mess.

you need to focus on the 3 who are here right now. Speak to your GP pronto. They may be able to steer you to services to support you, as well as the kids.

you must speak to your 14yo DS too. See if he will share what he witnessed and what he thought. Acknowledge his dad is an alcoholic and what happened (drinking on his own whilst I/c kids) should not have happened and is not acceptable.

tell him you are proud of how he took charge of his siblings and tell him you guys will be ok on your own but dad is going to have to leave to get well.

id also consider if school or your GP can offer some counselling for the poor boy. That’s a lot to deal with when so young.

does he have strong male role models via scouts or sports? Definitely consider getting him into something if you can. Will help him steer his own little ship through what are going to be some really stormy seas ahead.

talking to your son and the other kids is super important. My dad was not an alcoholic but he was a bully and way out of order. I was the oldest child who protected my siblings as much as I could. But I felt the guilt of not being able to at times. My mother never acknowledged that the behaviour was out of order. In fact I didn’t know this wasn’t normal until my late teens. I still have not forgiven my mother for not protecting me and my siblings. And it was decades ago!!!!

so sorry this is happening OP. It’s shit.

Get help. speak to your close family / friends, your GP, the school and protect your kids from this man.

Firstly sending a huge amount of support to you. It's a horrible situation. I was the child of an alcoholic whose father went through a few rehab stints before one stuck he's now been sober nearly 2 decades. I've also struggled with it but caught it early though im teetotal.

Even for people decades into recovery it's always there and something or nothing can trigger it. It's why people are in recovery and never cured. The important thing is to put you and your children first. You cannot fix him, only he can. Get support for yourself, he won't want anyone to know but he doesn't get to make that call. Speak to friends, family and I strongly recommend al-anon.

It's very easy on the internet to say leave him. That's a real option for you. Women can feel guilty, I have to stay and help him, if I leave he'll get worse. Kindly, that's not on you, you can't do anything and you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. If that means leaving then you brilliant. I would have liked my mum to but that wasnt her path and they are still married and have found happiness despite it all.

Equally that's not where you are, don't feel pressured at least not now. There are several ways he could go. Contrition, this is a great sign. If he apologises and immediately reaches out for help then that shows despite the slip hes committed. He might try and blame the pregnancy or you and say he doesn't need help, he can do it himself. Don't let him, it's nothing to do with that. Refuse to engage and make him prove he's serious by engaging with services. Finally he may think fuck it and go full on back to drinking in which case protect your and your kids and get out.

Will you be able to trust him again, after thinking he was securely sober? And will.you be able to forgive what he has done to your children?
You need time and space to consider these questions and to think about what you want to do about the pregnancy.

You can't do it while living with him, but you shouldn't leave - he should. Pack him a bag and tell him to go.

I'm sober now, a bit longer than your partner. Thank God my children are too young to consciously remember me drinking. I will.always carry the guilt of not being properly there for them during those years. And if f I started again, I know it would be entirely reasonable for my partner to ask me to leave.

OP I can relate so much because the scene you’re describing sadly is my dad when I was an adult and my mum when I was a child. It’s shit, it’s horrible and depressing.
i done know exactly how old I was when Inthought this but I think I was a teen, when, given what was happening in my home and family - my mum being the culprit then thinking :

ALCOHOLISM RUINS FAMILIES

Personally I’d have the baby and end the relationship with him. But OP, I can completely understand that this might not be you ❤️

Unless he’s gone straight to an AA meeting to recommit to his sobriety he is heading for a big relapse. You can’t control it. You didn’t cause it. If it was me I would be making plans to separate. Your 14 year old has already experienced this once. Don’t let it define all your children’s childhoods. Personally I wouldn’t be having another child in this circumstance but if you do I would prepare to be a single parent.

I agree with part of this. Not the AA meeting - it's helpful for some but not others.

He needs to get help and he needs to do it immediately but that's on him and he's got to want to do it.

I was your son growing up and it was absolutely awful, I understand what he's feeling right now and it's awful. I wasn't protected and my parent stayed with the alcoholic one and my childhood was awful.

Congratulations for getting sober❤️🎉

Where you’re different from my mum is my mum wouldn’t care about me being old enough to consciously remember her drinking - she was paralytic in the middle of my GCSE exams ffs!

But you’re nothing like her again, - congratulations 🎉

I empathise with this. I was the son and the same happened to me ❤️

Was the alcohol in the house before you went out? If so, get rid of all alcohol in the house, at least make it slightly more difficult to get hold of.

Does he have somewhere to go? Send him there, parents? Sibling? Whatever! Just get him out the house. Stopping drinking and being in a programme would be a condition of continued contact. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

With respect, you haven't read or understood OP's posts, and you clearly have no experience of this in real life. I assume you are very young. If you're interested in learning how to support someone with an alcoholic in their life, a good starting point is AlAnon.

I’ve had a quiet word with DS14 this morning before the little ones got up. Just asked if he was ok. He shrugged and said he “just didn’t want them to see it like before.” He remembered. And that absolutely crushed me.

This should not be a thought any child has. If you can't choose better for you, you need to choose better for them.

Your husband is an adult, he is responsible for his own sobriety. You are not responsible for maintaining the appearance of a stable family unit to motivate him to get sober again.

The consequences are entirely of his own making. NOT ONE PERSON IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD NEEDS TO MAKE A SINGLE COMPROMISE TO FACILITATE HIS SOBRIETY.

I would ask him to leave. I think you also need to think seriously about whether bringing another child into this situation is fair. How would you feel if another child had to be protected by your eldest from witnessing their father drinking. The only saving grace here is that your 14 year old was responsible enough to do that. Do not kid yourself that he would have been responsible enough not to have got drunk if he was only looking after the little ones. Your children deserve a safe home.

Yes I feel I can so relate to your DS here although I’m an only child and didn’t have to look out for younger sibs HOWEVER I was 10/11 when this was taking place with my mum - so last few years in primary school. I strongly feel now, as an adult, that NO primary school child should feel as I did that the only thing I could think about at that stage was I hope my mum doesn’t drink tonight - so in essence, I feel my position was similar to your DS

Your son's response is heartbreaking. You need to end this relationship for all your children's sake. Your partner drank an entire bottle of whisky, whilst at home alone with the children. Thank goodness your eldest had the foresight to remove his siblings from the situation. What would have happened if your son had been out with his own friends, and hadn't been there to protect his siblings? No child should have to parent an adult in this manner. It's putting stress onto a child, that he doesn't need or should have to shoulder. This should be the sign it's time to end the relationship. Personally, I wouldn't be bringing another child into this relationship. Your priority has got to be the children you already have. Being drunk is one thing, but being drunk in charge of children is another - it's unforgivable in my opinion.

Yes it’s taken me ages to realise this - my mum was so often drunk in charge of me at primary school age and sometimes very aggressive with it - takes ages for you to realise it isn’t normal