Partner relapsed with his drinking when alone with the kids

[0Worriedmum3]

Reposting here for traffic

Been with DP 10 yrs. He’s had drink issues in the past – nothing violent but just couldn’t stop once he started. It got really bad in lockdown, he was furloughed and just lost all structure. He ended up getting done for drink driving and I told him that was it, I’d leave if he didn’t get help. To be fair to him, he did. AA, proper help, stayed sober 4 yrs. Things had actually been good for a long while.

Last week I found out I’m pregnant – total shock, had the coil in so thought I was safe. Not gonna lie I freaked out a bit. We’ve got 3 DC already and this was not in the plan. I told him and he was… weird. Didn’t say much. Then the next day he was all “whatever you want to do, I’ll support you” and acted calm but you could tell he was knocked by it.

Fast forward to today – I went out with my sister for a couple of hours. First time I’ve done anything for myself in ages. Came back and found him drunk. Full on whisky bottle out, slurring, glassy-eyed, the lot.
Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart.
I tried to say something and DP just looked at me and downed what was left in the bottle like it was a big “f**k you” and went up to bed.

I’ve come down to sleep on the sofa. I don’t feel safe up there. Back when he used to drink, he’d always try it on with me when he was like that and would get really pissy if I said no. Not aggressive but pushy and sulky. Sober he’s never like that, hasn’t been for years. But tonight I just couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and hurt and scared this is the start of it all happening again. He’s not said a word since it happened, just passed out. I feel like I’m sat here watching my life fall apart and I’ve got another baby coming on top of it all.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Just needed to write it down.

Fair enough .. may not be the most practical solution but just a thought ..

Another thing to consider is the harm such heavy drinking can do to the unborn baby (from damage to sperm from drinking), this would worry me enormously. I hope you find a way through this 🍀❤️

Just what I would do in this situation:

It is obvious that your DH is avoiding any conversation etc. I wouldnt let him get away with it. I would have have someone mind my kids for an hour or two and tell DH we need to have a serious chat.

I would then give him an ultimatum. Either he gets straight back into active recovery and seeks professional help, or he can back a bag and leave before the children get home.

You need to assert firm boundaries to protect your children, yourself and your unborn child. Your living children NEED to see their mother putting their needs first, not the needs and desires of their alcoholic father.

If he accepts help, I would put some rules in place, including him forfeiting his bank cards etc for you to keep, if he can not be trusted not to go to the shops alone to purchase alcohol. No alcohol in the house, nothing consumed outside the home and commits to an AA programme. I would also ensure he sits down and apologises in full to his 14 yr old DS.

If he chooses the booze, I would tell him to get his bag packed, and leave before kids get home. If he refuses, you call the police. If it was me, I would probably get a termination in this scenario, but I understand this is a really personal decision. I wouldnt want to bring a new baby into a situation where I was a newly single parent, with kids healing from the trauma their dad caused and introduce more mayhem.

Sorry you're going through this - hoping for a positive update!

You think of your children and put them first! That is priority number 1. Get him out of the house. Not your problem where he goes. No2 change the locks and make it clear to him it’s over. Your poor 14 year old is traumatised. This is what an alcoholic abusive neglectful parent does to kids not a loving parent. Been there got the t shirt and frankly it doesn’t get any better. He’s been given chance after chance and you need to put the kids first now. And frankly that also includes what to do about the pregnancy. Your 3 children that are already here need a functioning sober parent. If you get severe morning sickness from the pregnancy or need to go into hospital who looks after the kids?!? Their mental health takes over a baby that doesn’t even have a heartbeat yet

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is the most horrific betrayal. I would have preferred almost anything else from my ex than that.

What you do next is of course down to what feels best, but as someone who was in a similar situation (admittedly with only one child) I am inclined to say that I have never seen these situations get fully better, and I watched a lot of people through Al Anon and rehab support groups who allowed their entire lives to become defined by their partners addiction, and the cycle of hope and prayers that sobriety would stick. I left my alcoholic ex, so I am completely bias, but it's what I would encourage anyone else to do too.

You have to end the relationship, OP. You can't trust him. Your poor 14 year old. He needs your care and attention now, not your partner.

And personally unless someone was seriously ill, if they wet themselves in my bed they would be gone.

Just read through this thread and commenting for an update. How are you OP?

Hope OP
is ok

You need to understand that alcoholism is a mental illness, similar to anorexia, yes be tough on him and set boundaries but remember that he must be miserable now and full of self loathing.

So sorry OP, for you and the children.
I too wondered if he’d been truthful about not drinking as a whole bottle of whiskey after 4 years sober would give you alcohol poisoning surely.

If oldest is 14, OP has brought this man into their life as has been with him 10 years, so is step dad not dad

So much this.

And whilst it’s clearly entirely your call, personally, I think you’d be nuts to consider bringing a new baby into this.

Nah fuck this. Life is too short. Get the kids out of there and let them be happy.

Just wanted to send my sympathies @0Worriedmum3 . I understand. How are things today?

Yes, I'm afraid that my first thought was also to wonder whether the blatantness of this, and choosing specifically to do it while in charge of the children was deliberately calculated to make you decide independently to terminate without him ever having to be "that guy" telling you to do it.

Cynicism tells me that it will be at the point you terminate that he will suddenly be back on the wagon and full of apologies.

Please leave him and stay gone regardless of his sobriety. Please make your decisions about another child without reference to him and his behaviour, and on the assumption that you will be the sole parent.

This person is not a dependable, reliable partner for life, nor a safe harbour for your children.

Frankly, his feelings about his own behaviour count for next to nothing when weighed against the effect of his behaviour on three innocent children.

Respectfully, I'd say that the emphasis is far too heavily on the man making the choices (howsoever motivated) that harm the family and nowhere near enough on the children who have no choices available to them about where they live, who they live with and what they suffer.

The children are completely reliant on their parents for their quality of life. Their father (or step-father) has summarily failed them. I hope their mother now puts their interests ahead of his.

Whether or not you have an abortion is up to you.

But neither you nor the children should be living in this situation. It isn't safe. I would end it and tell him to pack his bags. If that doesn't work, I would pack my stuff, take the children and go.

Growing up with an alcoholic parent is incredibly traumatizing.

I also don't think he was "triggered" by the pregnancy. He is trying to get you to end it so he can keep having the life that works for him. He is a selfish asshole. What he did yesterday was designed to absolve him from parenting duties. It was designed to make you think twice about leaving the kids with him again or having another one.

Yes it's an illness but he's made sure op can never go out again, he can't be trusted to look after children, what if there had been an emergency or a fire. He would be out, if he's at all caring he'd go today, book into a hotel, see his gp and alcohol support group again. I wouldn't have a baby with him, your 14 yo doesn't need this shit in his life.

Sperm regenerate itself every 3 months, so if he's been sober 4 years his drinking should not have affected this pregnancy.

Yes I Grew up with an alcoholic parent -?awful on every level!

Alcoholics cannot be compared to anorexia, alcoholics can abstain from drink and say no, anorexics have to eat for basic survival so daily torture for them can you imagine having to only eat so much to keep alive but not too much that they feel disgusted by themselves, not comparable at all

Old thread. Hope things are better for you now, OP. Best wishes to you and your family.

Alcoholism isn't an illness IMHO- it's a way of coping used by the weak and/or selfish. You and your poor kids deserve better.