Partner relapsed with his drinking when alone with the kids

[0Worriedmum3]

Reposting here for traffic

Been with DP 10 yrs. He’s had drink issues in the past – nothing violent but just couldn’t stop once he started. It got really bad in lockdown, he was furloughed and just lost all structure. He ended up getting done for drink driving and I told him that was it, I’d leave if he didn’t get help. To be fair to him, he did. AA, proper help, stayed sober 4 yrs. Things had actually been good for a long while.

Last week I found out I’m pregnant – total shock, had the coil in so thought I was safe. Not gonna lie I freaked out a bit. We’ve got 3 DC already and this was not in the plan. I told him and he was… weird. Didn’t say much. Then the next day he was all “whatever you want to do, I’ll support you” and acted calm but you could tell he was knocked by it.

Fast forward to today – I went out with my sister for a couple of hours. First time I’ve done anything for myself in ages. Came back and found him drunk. Full on whisky bottle out, slurring, glassy-eyed, the lot.
Our teen DS (14) had taken the little ones upstairs and put a film on to distract them. He didn’t say anything but I could see it in his face – he knew what was going on and was trying to protect them. Broke my heart.
I tried to say something and DP just looked at me and downed what was left in the bottle like it was a big “f**k you” and went up to bed.

I’ve come down to sleep on the sofa. I don’t feel safe up there. Back when he used to drink, he’d always try it on with me when he was like that and would get really pissy if I said no. Not aggressive but pushy and sulky. Sober he’s never like that, hasn’t been for years. But tonight I just couldn’t.

I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and hurt and scared this is the start of it all happening again. He’s not said a word since it happened, just passed out. I feel like I’m sat here watching my life fall apart and I’ve got another baby coming on top of it all.

I don’t even know what I want from this post. Just needed to write it down.

I’ve had a quiet word with DS14 this morning before the little ones got up. Just asked if he was ok. He shrugged and said he “just didn’t want them to see it like before.” He remembered. And that absolutely crushed me.

It would break me too. This is the person you need to prioritise. Not your husband.

I'm sorry, but you know it's true. Your existing children, especially the one who's already showing signs of parentification, need security. Your son is now going to be on alert for the foreseeable future. And at some point, if this continues, he's going to blame you.

A bottle of whiskey is a lot for someone 4 years sober. Are you absolutely sure he hasn’t been slowly relapsing for some time? And now he’s right back in the throes of it. Because that’s also possible.

Sober him knew he was watching the kids, decided to go and buy a bottle of whiskey and started drinking with the children there. No guilt or shame when sober, and it seems none now he’s hungover. If he ‘slipped’ in a difficult environment, immediately sought help, had a plan to get back into sobriety… just maybe. But none of that is the case.

If it were me I’d terminate the pregnancy and get him out. But part of me wonders if he’s manipulating you into terminating by relapsing so spectacularly horribly, and without any attempt to hide it. Which is much more ‘normal’ with relapse. It’s the act of a very selfish and unpleasant man. If you want to keep the pregnancy, do. But don’t keep the man. Your 14 yo needs to see strong and clear boundaries.

Your poor son.
Only 14 and trying to protect his siblings.
I couldn't forgive him being put in that position.
His childhood out the window.
A selfish deliberate decision.
Unforgivable.

Handhold, OP. Bless your DS as well.

Does your DH have somewhere he can go for a couple of nights at least? I suggest you pack him a bag for when he is sober and awake enough to go.

Another baby was not in your plans. You have a little time to make a decision, but there is nothing wrong in prioritising the DC you have at any time and particularly at times when they need you to be the strong and stable parent for them.

Have you shared this with anyone, your sister for example? What about DS's school? He clearly remembers and is now trying to protect his siblings, he will need support and understanding and to be able to talk about his feelings without worrying about upsetting you.

This may be a one-off, it is up to your DH. DSIL and DN have both found Al-Anon to be very supportive so do reach out to them if you haven't already.

I couldn't forgive this purely because what your son said. How dare he do that to his own son. How dare he.

I'm really sorry this is happening OP but I'd be packing a bag for him today.

Someone has to step up for the kids and it certainly won't be your husband.

His childhood out the window.
A selfish deliberate decision.
Unforgivable.

Exactly. I could weep for that boy.

How are things tonight @0Worriedmum3?

Your poor son. What an awful thing to go through.

Agree with pp that this is a full on deal breaker. Your husband has to go.

You should 100% have a termination. It would be incredibly unfair to your existing children to bring more stressors into their lives. Your poor son has already been parentified.

It’s not for you or anyone to tell OP what to do with her own body.

It’s up to her. All we can do is offer our own perspective of what we would do but it’s her personal choice what she decides to do about the pregnancy.

Put your kids first - end the pregnancy and leave him.

What a horrible situation for you all, especially your ds who sounds like an absolute credit to you. What you do next I would say depends on his actions. Some people can have a lapse (a one off occasion of drinking) without it turning in to a full relapse. If he gets straight back to sobriety, attends more frequent meetings, works closely with his sponsor etc, then you may feel able to navigate this challenge as a family. In this situation I’d encourage him to speak to ds and apologise, which his aa programme should expect him to do anyway. If it’s a full relapse though I think you have no choice but to ask him to leave, because he puts your children at a physical and emotional risk of harm. Either way I’d strongly recommend you engage with al anon and find similar support for your ds.

It's not just about her. She needs to put her existing children first. If she has this baby as a single parent, how are she and the children going to manage? The pregnancy was accidental and going through with it would damage her other children's lives. Don't even get me started on the husband, he is obviously a complete wash out.

I'm not going to comment again for fear of derailing the thread but just to say, please stop being so blunt about the OP. She has enough to deal with and an abortion is a huge deal to many women, not a decision anyone else can make for you.

Sometimes bluntness is required, especially where children's welfare is concerned. I have every sympathy with the OP but even more with her poor children.

For some reason it’s deemed acceptable to tell a woman to have an abortion. Often by the same people who claim to be ‘pro choice’. I am sure that the OP will make the right decision for her and her family.

I’d end your marriage OP but after reading your thread - maybe the new baby could be a happy symbol - the new fresh start you’re looking for without your alcohol addicted husband ?

just a thought ..

She asked for advice and people are giving it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I eventually left an alcoholic DH for this reason. I knew that even in a best case scenario all it would take was one drink and I'd be back in this position again, having let myself think that everything was settled. So I could NEVER be settled, really.

I think you know you need to leave him because anything from here on in is empty promises and he could do this to you (and your kids) again.

What you do about the baby has to be your decision and yours alone. How are your finances? Can you manage alone? You will get maintenance as long as he holds down a job, and UC if your income is low enough.

You can't trust him and your children can't trust him. You stayed with him when he was sober but you do not have to (and you will mess with your own head, let alone your dc heads) stay with him now he has relapsed.

You must leave this man! please. And, since you must leave him, it's probably right to end the pregnancy.

I'm so sorry all this has happened, it's absolutely awful for you. I hope you find the strength .

I'm so sorry OP. One of the hardest parts of being the partner of an alcoholic is the day you realise they're not 'cured' it's just remission that can last anywhere for a lifetime to a week, and you will never ever know for sure which it will be.
I think this should be a crossroads where you decide whether you're prepared to live with uncertainty, always scared, hyper vigilant, terrified when you have to face change or challenge (this pregnancy, maybe an illness, a financial issue, a bereavement) that it could be made so much worse because it could 'trigger his drinking'. Or do you want some certainty for you and your DC?
If you follow most, you will give him another chance, telling yourself once after four years isnt that bad, because you love him and you want to believe it, because then you dont need to upend your life. If you do, try and make sure its the last time, or before you know it, you'll have wasted a large part of your life caught in this cycle.

My earliest memories in life are of my father and alcohol.

If your oldest is 14 and their father was an alcoholic during Covid, from the very first drink during this incident, they understood what was happening. It was traumatic from the minute it started.

I don’t know the ages of your younger two, but it’s likely they have awareness as well.

children can’t be protected in the same house with an alcoholic. All that can be done is removing them from the epicenter. They still get hurt.

you only have one real option. He needs to leave or you need to pack up the kids and leave.

He should be ashamed of himself.
mid this what you want for you and your kids forever? Him getting arseholed and bolshy and pissing in your bed because he can’t cope with unexpected news? Even if he never did it again you’d be waiting for it, and so would your kids.
How can they have any respect for him? If you allow him to ignore this like it’s nothing they won’t have any respect for you either.
In your shoes I’d be considering the children I have already, and not adding another to this mess. Will he leave if you ask him to?

Pressuring you into sex. You feeling unsafe. Weaponised drinking. You're experiencing domestic violence. You should make plans to leave.

How would that work, exactly? Unless the OP is rolling in money, she would need to go after her ex (if they split up) for child support, and he might well still have parental rights.