Can't cope with my lunatic Mother any longer

[EnhancedVampireEyeballs]

She is rude, aggressive, and extremely cruel to me. I've tried to keep her happy for years and years now. She relentlessly mocks me, taunts me, laughs at me, belittles me. She gets all raging and screams at me. DH and I put so much effort into helping her out, but she's just so incredibly vicious to us.

Most recent involved her absolutely losing her shit, slapping me, screaming at me, stomping off in a giant tantrum.

Oh and she screamed at me that I'm an evil cunt, she hates me. Then about an hour later apologised and asked if I'd bring her grocery shopping tomorrow. Then screamed and threw things at me again, slammed so many doors. This isn't normal, is it? And its okay to walk away?

Oh God, that sounds heavenly. All I want is a nice quiet life with my amazing Husband. Not having flashbacks to being slapped with a wooden spoon, or the time my Dad tried to push my Nana (who was defending me from him trying to batter me) down the stairs. Or the time my Mam got so drunk she slowly and deliberately took off her boots and flung them at my head.

She slaps you & calls you an evil cunt.

What would you do if it was anyone else who abused you like that?

I'm hoping you would walk away & never see them again.

That should still apply to your mum.

It is difficult, OP, and emotionally complicated to take the step of cutting out toxic family. The whole thing is like the worst kind of bereavement - you’re almost jangling with shock and your feelings are on a pendulum for a long time afterwards, emotions all over the place, insomnia, crying, wondering if you’ve done the right thing. But it’s no worse than the emotional turmoil inflicted on you constantly by having these people in your life.

And once all that settles and passes, IME you find a deep peace you’ve probably never felt before - no longer on edge, anxious, waiting for the next awful thing to happen. Yes, the feelings can be conflicting, but once you’re in a place of acceptance you can be much more objective about what you’ve really lost. Relationships with your nieces and nephews will potentially go, and that’s sad. But those would only have become more problematic as the children got older. If your entire family is enmeshed with your poisonous mother and under her control, those kids would have become yet more flying monkeys who’ve been trained to view you as a scapegoat.

Once you’re through the brutal process of cutting ties and separating yourself, life becomes so much easier, freer and happier - everything feels so simple, it’s like letting in sunlight and fresh air. I hope you manage to break away, OP. These people don’t deserve to have you in their lives, and you don’t deserve the endless abuse and unhappiness they heap on you. Walk away.

Don’t walk away from - run!

It sounds like a toxic situation and not fair on you.

So everyone else is allowed to put themselves first but you're not?

What horrible, horrible people.

You don't need any of them by the sounds of things.

Can you find a reason why you need to move away, so you're no longer the nearest person everyone can dump the problem on?

If you move out, let social services know that she probably can't look after herself, and leave them to it.

This thread has been going on for years re narcissistic parents and you might feel it helps you.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I agree with this. Move away - put someone else in the firing line. Then whoever else it is will get the most abuse from her and possibly want to go no contact. It’ll then make it easier for you to break away if someone else in the family starts to understand your reasons for it.

I think a lot of people are out in a position where we have to tell ourselves a lot about how relationships “should” be but for many of us the reality of relationships particularly close relationships bares absolutely no resemblance to how things “should” be.

I walked away from my abusive family 8 years ago and it was hard but necessary for me to do so. If people cannot behave in ways that are not abusive and then as you are finding are wildly enabled in doing that by people who don’t want to affect their own lives by confronting them then others are left with very painful choices.

I lost my family but over a very painful period of time I gained a very strong sense of myself and a deep gnawing loneliness I felt lifted as I let go of how things “should” be and accepted how things actually were. I haven’t spoken to family members in years. It has a very strong grief associated with it but ultimately it has made me a much, much better person. I am no longer a husk of a person I have a solid core and structure that my abusive family prevented me from developing in their presence.

I very much found that depersonalising the situation by getting out in the world and seeing just how much damage very many very unhealthy families inflict on their children and the commensurate mental health problems experienced by the child and adult child helped me to stop viewing myself as a victim (which traps people) and empowered me to move forward and to deal with the issues I experienced.

Just do it. I went NC with my mother (or she with me, not sure which to be honest) after similar behaviour. She stropped off after one of her major temper tantrums and when she rang up a few days later like nothing had happened I told her i wasn’t prepared to see her again until she apologised and we had a frank conversation about how her behaviour needed to change. Never saw her again, never heard from her apart from a few poison pen letters.

she died 6 years later and I have no regrets apart from not doing it sooner. Hopefully your siblings will keep in touch, sounds like they know what she’s like. But be prepared for guilt trips from them if it suits them to have you running around after your mum. Losing touch with your dad also sounds like it’ll be no loss to be honest.

If she was elderly and this was somewhat out of character I'd worry that she had undiagnosed Alzeimers, but as she's always been a grade A abusive bitch to you, I'd say give yourself permission to just walk off into the sunset and never look back. Tell her you are done. Look her in the eye and tell her.

Forget the pressure from your siblings. Tell them if they are worried about her then they can care for her. You are done. Move house far away if necessary. Enjoy your new found peace.

Well you should blame them! It should t just be all on you and if they cut you off if you go NC with your awful Mum then good, it will give you a chance to live in peace .

Given what she has done to you, you are 100% justified in walking away and not looking back.

If you do decide not to immediately, you need to make crystal-clear that the next time she shouts at you or hits you, will be the last time she sees you.

No one should have to endure physical violence, OP. This is awful for you and she doesn’t deserve your care.

Love and respect yourself. Your mum and your family don’t deserve either.

If you carry on doing the same thing, the end result will always be the same. So change your approach! Put yourself first. Your family obviously put themselves first, why shouldn’t you?

Focus on dh. It’s not fair on him.

You said you're family would cut you out if you went NC? Is that the family who are leaving you to deal with her?

Years of conditioning and a magical belief that she can control her mothers moods by making her happy. It’s logical when you live in that situation, absolutely bonkers when you do not.

This.

This is dreadful to read, of course you need to give yourself a lot of space from your horrible mother.

I suggest that you tell your siblings and your Dad that your GP and therapist have told you that you have to cut contact with your Mum for a few months, as her constant attacks on you are so distressing. Stress that you still want to see them and your neices and nephews, as their support is important.

This way you have control of the narrative rather than your mum telling them all that you're an ungrateful cow who has abandoned her, and your siblings would be utter shits to cut you off.

I'm sure they know that you're still being abused by your mum, they're just happy it's you not them, so they owe you their support.

So take a break for a few months, and then just don't resume contact. Your parents have treated you so badly that neither of them deserve to have you in their life, but if you want to see you Dad, you can meet him for coffee, by himself. If he says he can't meet you without your mum too, well so be it, stay firm.

Really sorry you're dealing with this, it's great you have a supportive husband, and do push to retain a relationship with your siblings and their kids, as this is important to you.

You could be describing my own mother and it took me a long time to realise it was abuse.

Walk away guilt free. You don't need the other family either if they are willing to cut you off for protecting you're own physical, mental and spiritual well being.

My life and social circle now is very small but it's calm, peaceful and whenever there are stresses I can handle them because I have the reserves and resources to do so, so I am no longer overwhelmed.

No, she is not normal.

She may have a personality disorder.

She may be a psychopath.

She may have dementia.

As in - something's wrong.

Maybe a medical assessment (if you can get her to cooperate) to rule those out would be wise, and if something is found, may be manageable and could improve things for everyone.

But she may just be a vile person. There's no treatment for that.

FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) keeps people in the orbit of those who inflict harm.

Your own wellbeing and that of your relationship and your family matter. She is harmful.

Decide now what you're going to do, and stick to it.

You may want to ensure she is safe and cared for and can do that remotely - maybe a cleaner, food delivery etc depending on her needs - for your own peace of mind, but you don't have to endure her abuse.

You don't have to visit, answer the phone, stay and take it if she starts. Putting the phone down, leaving, being consistent will help you.

She kicks off, you naff off.

Or you may decide cut off is the best step. Going no contact has saved the sanity of a lot of women here.

Only you know what will be best, but you don't have to endure it and she doesn't control what happens to you. You do.

Your family are manipulating you into submission by telling you they will cut you off simply because they know that if you walk away from her they will be in firing line next if she doesn't have you as her punching bag and so all that tactic is doing is shutting you up and keeping you in place so they can live in peace and they are more than happy for this to happen I would say that's abusive in of itself. Don't be afraid to walk away , let them be the punching bag for a while give them an ounce of that shit you have had to deal with while they ignored your pain the mental and physical abuse. They stood by and let it happen so maybe now is the time to have a breather from them too , to get some therapy gather you're thoughts and leave them all to each other while you heal yourself and start to finally have the happy life you and your husband deserve 🌺

I had this most of my life. Abuse, neglect and violence. The last time she hit me I was 25. She smashed a teacup into my face. She was later referring to it as "that accident" ,.It was assault . I still have a scar on my face 46 years later. I only saw her twice after that. Don't wait for people to change. Some people can't bear or believe that Mother's can be like this. I rarely speak about it as other people get upset.

You are your family's human shield. The one thing between them - and her.

They're also her victims and they're terrified of what they know will happen if the shield steps back and they have to do their fair share. They were used to you taking the blows.

They're panicking now, and threatening you with the only piece of power they have - family.

Your amazing husband needs to step up and deal with them.

Focus on healing, your therapy. Your future.

Does your mom have mental health or substance abuse issues?

You know your whole family is toxic and manipulative, don't you? They're willing to see you verbally and physically abused so her target won't switch to one of them if you go no contact.

You may love your nieces and nephews but you are staying in a really toxic and abusive family dynamic and they are just the tools to keep you stuck. They don't add to your life. They keep you stuck in abuse.

If you have kids, they will likely be treated like you because you are the family scapegoat.

Get therapy with a trauma informed therapist.

You know what you have to do if you want a life free from abuse.

You did nothing to deserve her and your family's abuse and you absolutely deserve to be free of her and them.

Good luck.