Can't cope with my lunatic Mother any longer

[EnhancedVampireEyeballs]

She is rude, aggressive, and extremely cruel to me. I've tried to keep her happy for years and years now. She relentlessly mocks me, taunts me, laughs at me, belittles me. She gets all raging and screams at me. DH and I put so much effort into helping her out, but she's just so incredibly vicious to us.

Most recent involved her absolutely losing her shit, slapping me, screaming at me, stomping off in a giant tantrum.

Oh and she screamed at me that I'm an evil cunt, she hates me. Then about an hour later apologised and asked if I'd bring her grocery shopping tomorrow. Then screamed and threw things at me again, slammed so many doors. This isn't normal, is it? And its okay to walk away?

I’ve not seen my mother in nearly 10 years. No regrets. It’s been like a huge weight off my shoulders. You don’t need to have a relationship because she’s your mother.

I wouldn't even be answering the phone or going round there any more tbh, woman sounds absolutely vile if this is par, and if it's some kind of mental breakdown/ illness she needs to get some help pdq. OP doesn't need to tolerate it either way.

OP - kind people on here have put me on to this, which has been instructive and I suggest that you take a look:

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Are you likely to inherit? If so, go low contact. If not, no contact 😂

The thought of hearing from my mother ever again gives me internal hell rage and fear. YADNBU.

Thank you all. Really appreciate your replies.

I keep in touch and try to please her because if I didn't, my family would cut me out. My Dad and siblings openly admit that they have as little to do with her as possible, try to ignore her, and leave her for me to deal with.

The way she speaks to me, not even the words (though they are rather horrible) but the tone of voice, absolutely dripping contempt, is just breaking me.

She's always been awful to me, parentified me and made me her sounding board for shit I absolutely shouldn't have had to hear at like 12 years old. But it's escalated a lot lately.

Cut her out.
Stop allowing your family to bully you into being her skivvy.
Block her number and theirs if necessary.
But never contact her again.

You poor woman.
Counselling might be a good idea for you.

OP, what advice would you offer to a friend in your position?

So your family expect you to deal with her and if you don’t they will cut you off?? Screw them, bin the whole fucking lot that is atrocious. They expect you to deal with the shit, just no. Walk away and look after yourself.

So - your family are effectively abusive to you as well. I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's hard to see what any of them are bringing to your life beyond pain.

It might be an idea to see if you can access some sort of counselling to help you build up your inner strength. You may need help to strengthen your belief that you can and should stand up to this treatment from all of them. Because you deserve every bit as much respect as they do, and by the sounds of it, quite a bit more.

Oh I'm having counselling. My GP was adamant that I need it. I know I do. I should have been having it since I was a child and she used to emotionally torture me.

I know, rationally, that I just need to withdraw. But it's so difficult. It'll mean never seeing my my Dad, and probably my siblings and absolutely beloved Nieces and Nephews again. Because everyone does what she says, so if she turns against me, I'm just gone.

So your mother is awful, but so is the rest of your family for using you as a sacrificial lamb. It’s not normal, you can walk away (from all of them) - it doesn’t have to be like that

If your family would cut you out for putting a stop to her abusive behaviour, they are nearly as bad as she is. If they can ignore her, so can you.

Your dad must have been a shit parent too if you were parentified and dealing with your mother's behaviour from the age of 12. He has let you down massively so his opinion is worthless.

Absolutely cut her off and the rest of your enabling family and concentrate on enjoying life with your DH.

Girl save yourself. There all taking advantage of you! If they cut you off then it’s there loss

I’ve gone VLC with my mother for a hundredth of your m’s behaviour. I do feel guilty at times but I was getting ill when I saw her and had constant pain the rest of the time. I feel the guilt will make me go back but it will never be daily phone calls and weekly meet ups like before. You have to save yourself. If they truly valued us, why would they be fucking horrible a lot of the time?

I ld report the abuse, just so social services get involved. She will behave better for strangers, she probably needs to go into a home.

Anyone willing to stand by and allow you to be abused to make their lives easier isn’t someone worth maintaining a relationship with. I’m assuming you have people in your life now who love you and care about you and I think you should try and focus on them.

So they leave you to deal with her and all or her abuse and will cut you off if you don't continue? They all sound awful tbh.

My Dad was unfortunately too busy having multiple affairs to give a shit about me. The only people who were really there for me were my Grandparents, and they're gone now.
My parents were heavy drinkers, loved drugs, and still like to pretend that they were perfect storybook parents. I'd have much preferred to be fully raised by my wonderful Grandparents.

You can't change her, all you can do is change how you respond to her.

In your shoes I would go completely non contact, which is easier said than done, but it sounds as though you need the break to reset your boundaries and get some much needed therapy.

If your family cut you off for removing yourself from an abusive situation then they don't care about you at all.

You need respite from this toxicity so walk away from it and work on building yourself back up. 💐

That's pretty much it. And I don't blame them really. They're protecting themselves, and their children.

I unfortunately am the one who has ended up living nearby them. So it's all on me. I'm having a bit of a breakdown right now, because this is bringing up all kinds of horrible childhood memories.

She sounds like she has a personality disorder. You need to go NC.

Honestly, you owe your birth family absolutely nothing. Both your parents were utterly terrible in their own way and your life will be infinitely better without them in it.

Concentrate on your family with your DH and cut your family off completely. Your life will be so calm and peaceful without them.

You absolutely need to prioritise yourself. in the first instance this means NC with your mother and you (and DH) building yourself up to set firm boundaries around what is unacceptable. This won’t happen overnight.

Your other relatives will either come around in good time or you’ll realise that support / contact / whatever they give is not worth the abuse you get from your mother. Do not get dragged into justifying your actions, apologising for not helping or any of the other shit they’re likely to pull.

She adds nothing but stress to your life. Cut contact.