To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I literally only asked you to give an example of something from the past that was better for women. If we want to talk imaginary then lots of us love the aesthetic, fashion, hobbies, of the past but we can role play whatever we like now in 2025, not actually wish to live in the reality of the past. I'm not unhappy at all and I think being a woman is great. Not sure why you'd conclude I'm unhappy just because I appreciate that I live in a time with my own financial freedom, legal protections and access to healthcare and I think my experience as a woman is happier for it?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I completely agree—it doesn’t have to be sexist if it’s a conscious choice made with care and mutual respect. The idea of creating a shared identity through a common name can be beautiful and meaningful. For some couples, it reflects unity, not submission. What matters most is that every person has the freedom to choose what feels right for them, without judgment or assumptions. True equality means respecting diverse choices, including the choice to take a partner’s name."

But we are disagreeing, because I think you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Patriarchy is another word for abuse of power. More women being in a position to abuse their power like men isn’t my idea of how to deal with an abuse problem, but an awful lot of effort has been expended on enabling women to behave more like men and that’s where the most progress has been made in recent years. And I hope it was a mistype when you said you absolutely disrespect those caring for others.

Well I have never experienced this so called patriarchal oppression. I’ve had the privilege of a free education, which is not a given around the world. I’ve received financial support whilst studying as I’m from a poor background. I’ve experienced zero discrimination from much richer people as the first person in my family to attend a world class top university. I’ve received nothing but encouragement. I’ve literally studied when I’ve wanted, worked when I’ve wanted, had children when I wanted. As a poor female I have thrived in the UK and love living here. I’ve had ample choice over my own life, I am getting fed up with people playing the victim- we make our own luck in life. Taking responsibility will get you far.

You owe those freedoms to the women who came before you. And the women who are still fighting on our behalf.

If it was left up to you, women would regress by a hundred years.

Not at all. I am sick of people making out that being a SAHM/home maker is not a free choice. Of course it is! I live somewhere where I’ve done everything else and still think this is the best thing I’ve ever done. It was always my first choice regardless, but it really is ridiculous to assume that this cannot be freely chosen when we live here! I’d get it more if someone never had the option to try out other things, but the vast majority these days have.

The choice to become a SAHM is not made in a vacuum. There is often male pressure to prioritise his career and financial pressure due to cost of childcare.

You’ve let your new found privilege go to your head.

You are generalising and don’t get to make assumptions about my personal life without them being challenged.

Did you read my previous posts? Zero pressure from my DH- I have higher qualifications and actually used to be the breadwinner. He was happy to be a SAHD- I didn’t want him to be.

Why do women who want different put up with it from their DHs? I wouldn’t. Trust me, if I wanted to be at work I would be. When we both worked FT we did 50/50 of everything else. Don’t marry somebody who doesn’t share your ideals, do your research, date with intent and take sone responsibility!

I made it crystal clear at 23 that I wanted children ASAP. I sussed out other men’s views on this on the first couple of dates and binned off anyone anti-children, not for me. I knew my DH was on the same page at 24, he has never disappointed me. He knew full well before we got engaged that I’d be instantly quitting my job to raise our children. I would not have continued with someone who didn’t agree. If I’d wanted 50-50 I’d have sussed out if my life partner could meet my expectations long before kids! Date with intent! Know what you want, air it and own it!

It's about it being better for the person who wished they lived in a different time, not about being better for all women. And you would need to ask someone who wanted to live in a different year what their own personal reasons are. You are really not getting it.

I wasn’t talking about you? You said that being a SAHM is a free choice, I explained that for
many women it isn’t that easy.

Your rant is misplaced.

Oh and I prefer to be described as a careful planner who makes wise decisions, eg years of paying off my mortgage pre-kids with my breadwinner money and saving literally hundreds of thousands of pounds of my own earnings instead of frittering them on rubbish through my twenties. I’m from a very poor background, no bank of Mum and Dad for me! I did marry very, very wisely though, which is remarkable given the car crash relationships I’ve witnessed as a child- my children are having far, far better, that’s for sure. Stability is true privilege, and yes after my childhood I am going to enjoy every single minute of the peace I have now secured 😊

Then they shouldn’t put up with it then.

So you wanted kids asap when you were 23?

And also managed to save hundreds of thousands of pounds before having kids?

That’s great for you, I’m genuinely happy to see women succeed. But even you must know that most people, let alone most women, are not in a position to have saved hundreds of thousands of pounds in their 20s. Own your privilege.

Yep, wanted kids early twenties but unfortunately both needed to pay the mortgage until I was 32. A long wait, but a wise and carefully planned one financially. So now I am enjoying every single minute at home with the children I waited years to have. Work was a useful means to an end to achieve my lifelong dream of being a SAHM. Years ago we could have afforded to do it easily at 21 like my Mum. So yeah, take me back to the past, as I’d likely have 4 children by now.

Again, not every can save hundreds of thousands of pounds by the time they’re 32, even if they work hard. People have rent to pay and bills and food costs.

You are still speaking from a place of privilege.

Well I’m proof it can be done.

I adore how in discussion I am both a woman who is such a powerless victim suppressed by the patriarchy that I can’t freely make any decisions of my own, but then I’m simultaneously privileged. Right. OK 😂

Patriarchy and misogyny don’t mean every woman is oppressed, but it does create a system where many women are.

Your privilege comes from not acknowledging that it’s not possible for most to save hundreds of thousands of pounds in their 20s.

But regardless as long as one person earns enough then the other can be a stay at home parent if they wish. For a lot of people nowadays it's not possible and two wages are needed but for others it is possible.

Granted in the current economic climate things are very different for young couples starting out, but that’s the same for both men and women. So society is equally worse financially for everybody, which supports my earlier point about the benefits of living in the past (which other posters have had so many issues with 😂).

First-wave feminism won some future-changing fights. The one thing it never resolved was equality vs. difference, which has been resurrected in various incarnations of every wave that followed it since. And it's regurgitated with tedious regularity on the many SAHM vs. WOHM Mumsnet threads. The way other households organise their paid vs. domestic labour is of precisely no interest to me. But what does jump off these pages nearly every time this raises its head is this.

Men don't give a shit how other men structure their households and it's certainly never a source of competition between them. This doesn't make them superior beings. It means our society is structured in such a way that they never have to think about it. 'Traditionally' (how I hate that word and all it stands for) they've had women to pick up that slack for them.

The second noticeable thing is that the phrase 'having it all' is never, ever used in the context of men. If having it all simply means the desire for a career and a family life, then this is something men have taken for granted since the year dot. It's not asking the earth (albeit it's only workable with an even division of domestic labour).

There are other 'interesting' observations here, mainly related to women who step outside their allotted box (and IME it's mainly women, not men, who try to shove us straight back into it). The fact that I have my own name makes me no less legally married, nor any less of a devoted or loving wife (and yes, I've personally had many accusations to the contrary, along with mutterings about 'disrespect').

Women who recognise that a patriarchy exists, and who want to unpick the realities of what that means for our lives, are not bitter shrews: we do not hate men, we do not hate marriage (were that the case I wouldn't be married: it's that simple). Marriage doesn't have to look exactly the same for every couple. If a woman makes a different choice from your own, that doesn't mean she's living a miserable existence and it's not intended as a personal affront to you.

Yes it is often women who give other women a hard time and judge other women the hardest. And yes women should be able to make a different choice from other women and not have to explain it or justify it to other women.

They are choosing to explain and justify those decisions - to complete strangers on the internet, no less.

To the poster upthread who claimed she couldn't give a shit what people think of her personal preferences - whatever those happen to be - I say kudos.

Yes, women need to stop worrying so much what other people think of their choices. Live life. Dont create a problem where there doesnt need to be one. Surround yourself with good people who support you.

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Define how you "married wisely." Do you mean money-wise?

No actually. I primarily mean that I intentionally chose a very stable husband. One with a very even temperament who is not prone to drastic mood swings. One who is very responsible and loyal, who’s stuck with the same friends since he was 4. One who is calm and kind, who doesn’t flare up unpredictably.

I witnessed as a child/teenager very tempestuous, up and down, dramatic relationships with huge bust ups. My earliest memories of my own parents are of them shouting and arguing and me trying to get them to stop. My Dad suffered from periods of manic depression and ultimately suicide sadly. Prior to that he constantly took off abroad because he couldn’t cope in the Winter and spent money for bills we didn’t have.

So I wanted a husband who was calm, quiet, reliable and sensible. My DH actually never shouts, which I really like and didn’t want around my children. I have never wanted my children to have the upbringing I did, so value stability within marriage and between both parents very, very highly. I want better for my children than I had.