To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I think fewer women are keeping their names now than they did in the 70s and 80s.

I wasn't intending it as a 'gotcha', which is why I said I was curious, not being argumentative. Sorry it read that way but I'm enjoying this thread and have had my mind changed a few times by it. It's something I've always wondered and had been enjoying the open discussion so it's a shame it came across to you differently. Not everyone is out to win an argument!

I dont think I would bet any money on that

Do you know about the Law of Coverture?

@BangersAndGnash - thanks for having the patience to respond to that. I really didn't - it should be plainly obvious that I'm writing of my own view rather than attempting to speak for some perceived homogenous 'womankind'. In any case, anyone unaware of the fact that feminism embodies some of the most bitterly contested political ground there is, obviously hasn't been paying much attention to feminism.

I'm not interested in the goading, unproductive tit-for-tat that is women picking holes in each other's choices. Once that bar is descended to then topics like breast vs bottle, SAHM vs. WOHM and this discussion on names become a very tedious treadmill to nowhere.

I've said upthread that I couldn't care less what women call themselves, and I would love to have been extended the same courtesy in return, but since my marriage I consistently haven't and the experiences of other women posting on this site seem to bear this out. It's extraordinary the number of mothers-in-law who persist in addressing their DiLs as 'Mrs Hisname', for example.

Where I think these discussions could really benefit, as you've said above, is in unpicking the social conditions under which women make these choices in the first place.

Thanks for your post.

Aside from sexist connotations, the tradition of women changing their names makes genealogy a bit of a nightmare, women in past times just 'disappear' which i personally think is very sad. I read Barack Obama's book about when he met his father in Africa, he could trace his paternal family back a long way, but his grandmother's family (father's mother) weren't recorded anywhere, not even committed to memory, so the only information he could gather on his maternal side was what his living family members knew/remembered. I know that's not the same here, but it's so sad to think of all of those women in the past, bearing and rearing children, just forgotten about.

Aside from sexist connotations, the tradition of women changing their names makes genealogy a bit of a nightmare, women in past times just 'disappear' which i personally think is very sad. I read Barack Obama's book about when he met his father in Africa, he could trace his paternal family back a long way, but his grandmother's family (father's mother) weren't recorded anywhere, not even committed to memory, so the only information he could gather on his maternal side was what his living family members knew/remembered. I know that's not the same here, but it's so sad to think of all of those women in the past, bearing and rearing children, just forgotten about .

Yes- but I do think it’s important to remember that the little things are important too. The almost universal convention of a woman taking her husband’s name, or children taking their father’s may not seem a big deal. But it’s all part of the thousands of tiny things that help to prop up the patriarchy and keep it in the depressingly healthy state it’s in today.

Just googled it and it doesnt seem to exist anymore is that correct?

Absolutely!! Agree 💯 I have an "ethnic" name, and my husband doesn't so that was part of it too, racism is also a factor sadly so doing what I thought would be best for my DC. I also personally don't like hyphenated names, as I think they're jist too complicated.

This is shocking and deeply frustrating. Far worse than my own experiences, although none of this sounds exactly unfamiliar.

We really do need to come to a place in society where women are not subjected to this kind of ignorant, prejudicial, baked-into everyday sexism. It would be wonderful if no one even questioned the straightforward concept of retaining one's own identity after marriage, in the way that now happens to men.

If women assert this very basic preference, we are 'disrespectful'. Basic respect for our own identities, still, however, seems too much to ask.

Of course it doesn't but a woman being subsumed into a man's identity is a tradition from the Law. Upon marriage, a woman lost all agency and became her husband. Therefore it's a deeply misogynist tradition.

You mean marriage is a deeply misogynistic tradition

Anyone else can do whatever they want to do but YANBU

I took my husband’s name when we got married. It felt like a public statement of ‘We’re all in’. I’m pleased the tradition has continued with our kids. It’s lovely, the whole family having the same name.

I know. it's bizarre. My favourite one was actualyl NOT rude or dismissive but just so very very silly.

School mum situation. We had become quite friendly. On facebook (where I only use my name, not DH's name). Went out for drinks and dinner and spent time at each other's houses - so a social relationship. My whatsapp ID (which is how we communicate) is my full name - no silly, "MagielovesHerKitty" etc.

My email address is, believe it or not, my full name. Literally, [email protected]

She was working on a PTA newsletter and included a photo of me and another mum doing an activity.... with the caption, "Mage DHName".

I was completely gobsmacked. When I asked her, she said, "Oh, I just assumed you had the same name as DC".

And then, this is the funniest and most ridiculous part. She was NOT on social media with DH. She does not know DH particularly well. DH's name is foreign and difficult to spell.... so she would have had to actively go and FIND DC's name as our school does NOT provide class lists. Which she told me she had. She was quite proud of making the effort to get the name right.

Mind blowing.

Yes - which is why I think it important to unpick the underlying conditions under which individual small choices are made. This is one reason why sites like MN are so valuable.

Having read this thread, I now begin to see why by far the path of least resistance is to take on the husband's name as per conventional expectation. Most women who have done otherwise have reported rude reactions to their decision - the sort of attitude that makes a stubborn old boot like me dig my heels in further - but humans are a social species and peer pressure is strong and very effective. The tide since 2000 does seem to be turning against women and the very small gains we made post second-wave (the insipid third-wave are in no small part to blame for this, IMO) - and I'm interested to know why - and why some women seem intent on doing the work of the patriarchy for it

A tangential but related point is that I hate weddings, and assumed that was just because I found them tedious, identikit and interminably boring. The underlying reality I think is more the patriarchal element - the idea of being 'given away', the traditional speech-makers being men, the relinquishing of names, the idea that it's all about looking pretty, the misconception that white equals 'virginal' (in fact it doesn't) - all leave a pretty nasty saccharine taste in the mouth for me. Again, if that's what floats your boat crack on - but none of this paraphernalia has ever been for me and DH agrees. We married abroad, spent the night together beforehand, walked into the venue together and had only four people present.

My in-laws have never forgiven me - note me, not him, even though this was just as much his wish as mine. Always the woman's fault, eh? 😂

Taking a man's name upon marriage - the subject of the thread.

Not every decision a feminist makes is a feminist one.

There’s no point pretending the nature of the decision has changed. If you’re happy then own it.

You've just described marriage itself as a deeply misogynistic tradition. So a married woman has already taken part in a sexist tradition by getting married (in your opinion).

So you think marriage as an institution is sexist, but the woman following the custom of taking the man's name is exempt from this sexism? A refuge of non sexism in an otherwise sexist institution?

No I dont it was the poster I was replying to that said that

I think this sums it up for me.

What really bugs me is that there is such judgement - on both sides actually. It feels like the call is coming from inside the house. When really we're all trying to make decisions in systems and structures that are inherently sexist but yet somehow it's still the woman's fault.

The tide since 2000 does seem to be turning against women and the very small gains we made post second-wave (the insipid third-wave are in no small part to blame for this, IMO) - and I'm interested to know why

So would I. I think it mystifies a lot of second wave feminists. Is there a belief that because a few battles have been won the war has too?

What sort of judgement are you frustrated by?

I only ask because sometimes mere statements of fact about sexism and the impact that our decisions have on other women are categorised as such.

I think if a woman changes her name to her new husband’s but didn’t like his name then that is stupid and I would refuse (there’s probably many women out there whose original name is much better than their married one). If the husband’s name is better then choose that. Whichever one sounds nicer to your ears go for.

It hasn’t been that long since women have questioned it (certainly no one I knew getting married in the 80s/90s questioned it, it was just the done thing even if the new name wasn’t very nice). Today if you don’t want to go from Miss Taylor to Mrs Bottom you don’t have to.