To ask how to motivate a kid who is intimidated by competitive sports to want to exercise?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

My DD (14) really struggles with sport at school. She's not naturally sporty and finds the whole ethos of competition really intimidating and offputting. I was the same at school so can absolutely relate: it feels as if people are pushed to compete for the sake of winning, kids who are not sporty and don't excel are largely ignored (or in a worst-case scenario humiliated) and excluded by teachers and it's hugely offputting for those kids. It's a horrible, us and them environment and I think schools aren't really aware how damaging it can be for non-sporty kids (but that's another thread).

At the same time, the bottom line is she needs to exercise for her health and I want to instil healthy habits. But I simply cannot persuade her to put any effort into it. Her sports teachers have told me she needs to try harder but she is absolutely resolute that she hates it and won't do it even under duress. We've tried other slightly less pressured environments such as junior parkrun (she hates running so she just walked it) and swimming, which she's OK with and she loves walking, but basically anything that smacks of competition or involves teams will make her run for the hills. She's generally doing OK at school, is applying herself to most subjects to some degree and she's happy and healthy but she loathes sport and is unmovable that she won't do it.

I personally got back into exercise after hating sport at school when I was in my 20s running, doing yoga and aerobics. I came to understand that I enjoy exercise which weren't about winning or beating others but just about improving your own health and fitness. But by and large schools and clubs don't really encourage this ethos, it's all about competition. And in any case she absolutely won't join a club.

Any suggestions from anyone whose kids have had a similar antipathy for sport? I want to find a way to motivate her without pressuring her.

Possible options:

cycling (can be used to get places and so is useful) - you can also do family bike rodes

the best way is to have friends at your class or to exercise together in a group, so it’s social and you look forward to it rather than dreading it.

hill walking is also not a regular exercise thing but can be good.

if she does D of E she’ll be encouraged to try a new physical activity (which is how they put it rather than sport).

Things that aren't sporty

Climbing
Dance
Trampolining
Cheers leading
Zumba/aerobics
Aqua aerobics

Get her a personal trainer? That could be boxing, HIIT in the park or gym work?

Yoga and pilates aren't really competitive.

Roller skating, skateboarding, bmx-ing? Kind of competitive in a way maybe but fun.

Dance classes with a friend ?

Why would you not invite her to yoga & aerobics with you?

Find an activity she enjoys. Can you do something together?

Tennis
Badminton (we do this in the garden)
Yoga
Pilates
Aquasize
Swimming
Karate
Gym

By exercise together she'll build confidence and maybe gradually find something to do without you.

I have done. Also running, etc. She won't do any of it.
She basically hates the idea of exercise.

The whole summer is ahead, so take 'sport' out of the converstaion and just help her to try lots of different fun activities - rock climbing, orienteering, Go Ape, rowing, kayakin, sailing. Try them as a family or with friends and see if you can find some she likes. Go at her pace to start with, while she builds her confidence.

I would back right off. Whether you mean to or not you ARE putting pressure on her which means she's pushing back. You say she likes walking, great. Do more of that with her. Exercise is a great lifetime habit to get into but there's no rush at 14. I also agree with trying some of the stuff enoughtomakeasailorspairoftrousers mentions - just as a family thing for fun. She might enjoy one of them enough to do it regularly.

Hard relate. Could she be enticed with ironic retro workouts? Loads of Jane Fonda on YouTube. Would the idea of it being helpful to you be more motivating? Like you want to complete a 30-day yoga challenge and want someone body doubling so you stick with it? Would she find it more rewarding to compete with herself by mastering five of the most advanced yoga poses (I know, not in the spirit of Om shanti peace peace but could be a route in)

The key to exercise at any age is finding something you like.

If she loves walking then let her walk! Encourage days out with friends in an area that is hilly to make it more strenuous. Or go as a family?

My DC hated team sports too but DS enjoyed martial arts and cycle rides with friends; DD enjoyed swimming, cycling and non-competitive dance (basically making up Tik Tok routines with friends).

Find a local martial arts club that do a ladies only class/self defense class. Mine is not competitive at all and so much fun.

If she ‘loves’ walking, why try to reinvent the wheel? Go walking with her!
Get a family National Trust membership and get in some long hikes over summer.
Or even a walking pad she could set up in her room and use for half an hour a day.
Walking is genuinely my therapy.

Some kids just don't enjoy sport. If she likes walking, let her stick to that. Pushing her into sports is just going to make her dislike it more. I'm like you, OP - hated sport at school but took up running and yoga as an adult. Nothing would have persuaded me to voluntarily run as a kid!

Agree about the walking. I was 'sporty' at school but bizarrely gave it up for quite some years after I left school, only resuming exercise in my mid-30s when I lost a lot of weight. I've kept it up and go to the gym (a serious aerobic treadmill session and weights) 3 or 4 times a week.

However - every, single day I take our amazingly energetic dog for a fast 50 minute walk morning and evening and this has done more for me than the past 3 decades of several gym visits a week. I don't know if it would be an option for you and your daughter?

If you invited her to a local country park "for a walk" and promised ice cream or chips or both, would she happily go?

Could she earn some pocket money doing dog walking? I used to walk a neighbors dog

Or Geocaching is fun

I didnt love school sports but got a lot of joy from windsurfing and sailing and horse riding.

Could you just try lots of different ways of being active?

My son loves climbing and golf because they are quite solo sports (or can be)

Has she heard of geocaching? If she enjoys walking that can be good fun. Also orienteering.

There are loads of ways to be active but not sporty - sounds like that’s what you’re looking for.

Things like aqua parks, indoor bouldering/ climbing, pony trekking, surfing, kayaking

No advice, but we’re in exactly the same situation with our 13 year old DD…….some great ideas here.

There's loads and loads of running 'influencers' out there these days who make running look really glamorous and fun. I'm not sure how you would force her to follow them though.

Is she embarrassed to exercise in public? Would she use some kind of exercise bike, walking pad/treadmill at home?

My teen ds uses my exercise bike but would feel too self conscious exercising amongst the masses. My teen dd will come for a run with me sometimes but only if it's where she is guaranteed not to meet anyone that she knows.

Martial arts. Progress is at your own pace, suitable for all ages. The repetitive nature improves gross motor skills. Balance improves.

This is so lacking in empathy it's untrue!

If she doesn't like the idea of formal exercise then how are "retro workouts" going to help? They're workouts, but from a time you won't remember! Oh yeah, that'll motivate her!

Whoever suggested "activity" has it right. Do things that require exercise rather than doing exercise. Climbing, canoeing, dog walking... mucking out horses, a paper round.

Is she sociable/like doing things with friends or does she feel too self conscious about doing physical activities in front of others at the moment? If it’s the latter then there’s loads of online stuff that could be fun - dancing, strength training, yoga. Or she could do couch to 5k (on her own and at her own pace).
If she wants to do stuff with other people then it should be easy to find teen classes at the gym/pilates/dance studio over the summer and you could help her coordinate with others to get them booked into the same sessions. Or what about something “fashionable” like padel tennis?

Also, I would approach these things in the way of them being summer activities to do, rather than telling her she should work on her fitness.

How about joining scouts or Rangers - they will probably be doing a variety of activities and she might find something she might to take up

This is me. I like walking, swimming, cycling by myself or just for fun, running by myself, and climbing. I stopped during pregnancy, but I also liked weightlifting, which is excellent for your bone health. I would look at climbing and weightlifting with her, and encourage her to put exercise into her daily life like cycling and walking to places.

I absolutely hate any kind of physical competition and won't even run with someone because of that. I don't mind competing against myself, like you do in climbing and weightlifting: seeing if you can get further or lift more than last time.