To ask how to motivate a kid who is intimidated by competitive sports to want to exercise?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

My DD (14) really struggles with sport at school. She's not naturally sporty and finds the whole ethos of competition really intimidating and offputting. I was the same at school so can absolutely relate: it feels as if people are pushed to compete for the sake of winning, kids who are not sporty and don't excel are largely ignored (or in a worst-case scenario humiliated) and excluded by teachers and it's hugely offputting for those kids. It's a horrible, us and them environment and I think schools aren't really aware how damaging it can be for non-sporty kids (but that's another thread).

At the same time, the bottom line is she needs to exercise for her health and I want to instil healthy habits. But I simply cannot persuade her to put any effort into it. Her sports teachers have told me she needs to try harder but she is absolutely resolute that she hates it and won't do it even under duress. We've tried other slightly less pressured environments such as junior parkrun (she hates running so she just walked it) and swimming, which she's OK with and she loves walking, but basically anything that smacks of competition or involves teams will make her run for the hills. She's generally doing OK at school, is applying herself to most subjects to some degree and she's happy and healthy but she loathes sport and is unmovable that she won't do it.

I personally got back into exercise after hating sport at school when I was in my 20s running, doing yoga and aerobics. I came to understand that I enjoy exercise which weren't about winning or beating others but just about improving your own health and fitness. But by and large schools and clubs don't really encourage this ethos, it's all about competition. And in any case she absolutely won't join a club.

Any suggestions from anyone whose kids have had a similar antipathy for sport? I want to find a way to motivate her without pressuring her.

Yes , or gardening, or sightseeing in different cities, walking around museums and art galleries, window shopping...

I agree- back off the idea of sport, the more you push the more she will resist. Think of an activity you genuinely hate and imagine if someone told you that you just had to try harder with it (plus you had to do it with 31 other girls who all love it at a time in your life when your self-esteem is really shaky).
The 'activity' suggestion is right.
You're not suggesting sport, but maybe you could all drive to the beach for a nice walk at the weekend?
You're not suggesting sport, but there's a clip and climb place that looks fun, she could invite a friend and you could go for lunch after?

I was your DD, I hated sport as a kid and I still hate it now. I only found enjoyment in exercise through a lack of competition and (crucially) a lack of having to do it with other people as a 'class'. Show me a running group who do a 5 mile route and I've no interest at all, but I'll happily walk twice that around a lovely National Trust site.

Gosh terribly sorry for making a suggestion, just thought she might find the clothes, hair, music etc funny while she’s moving around, didn’t realise I was actually being completely insensitive

I was exactly the same.
If she is fit and healthy I would leave her alone. Pushing her will just make her resist more.
I would encourage her to walk more as you say she loves it. Perhaps you can go on family walks at the weekends, or go swimming which you say she likes. But don't make her join a club or take up team sports. When she is older she might decide herself to join a walking club, take up dance classes, Zumba etc but let it be her choice when she is ready.

I am intimated by team sports, by "needing" to be good. For this reason, I love going to the gym and running. It's only me, I don't need to be good for anyone else, no one cares what I'm doing, I just try to improve on myself.

Even though it's not hugely taxing (yes, it can be, blablabla, but you know what I mean) yoga could help her feel more confident in her body's abilities, and become more in tune with it, as a stepping stone to more vigorous exercise.

agree with this. fun activities over sport, until she finds a few she likes.

They don't have to be expensive, lots of places offer cheap starter sessions, particularly over the summer, and then if you find something you like once you've done the initial outlay that's it - roller skating, paddleboarding, etc.

How about active things as a family. Go Ape or paddle boarding?

No harm in walking if she enjoys that. Would she like guides or something

Keep with the walking. What about wild swimming? Quite often you have to walk to the water. Also SUP? There's a group near us that goes for leisurely early evening paddles along a small river. Definitely not competitive.

X post about paddleboarding - great minds!

Does she like dogs?

VR? There are a few programs on the meta quest. Attach a cadence sensor to a exercise bike and peddle around beautiful places. Or power beats to music or other exercises with a virtual trainer. The best thing about it is it's fully immersive so you don't know if anyone is looking at you.

Or go out as a family and do canoeing somewhere. All fun and exercise.

Does she like animals? If you can, see if she likes horse riding with a few lessons or trekking rides out - you could do one together! Then she could get some more lessons and be able to help out at a rescue, if you’re lucky enough to have one near you, or just any yard; what I mean is it can be satisfying in itself, she doesn’t have to go into competition, just find somewhere she can just ride. But she could get very fit without realising it!

We make one exercise activity compulsory for our DCs - DS is 13 and has dyspraxia but has been going to a non-competitive club for a while but we are wondering about rugby as you can start a bit older, or riding as he loves horses.
DD cycles (semi competitive club) and has swimming lessons but they are in an early after school slot so we are thinking of rookie life saving.
Doing your weekly activity is an expectation which gets you your screen time in our house.

My eldest hated competitive team sports but did martial arts from about age 6/7 and really enjoyed it - it's great for building confidence too! Could your daughter join a regular walking group? Would she be up for trying a yoga class or a zumba class? Try not to pressure her, 14 is a tricky age and being too heavy handed will have the opposite effect. Maybe use the summer holidays to try and few new activities and see if something sparks her interest.

Leave her alone. Not everyone like sports.

My 13 year old is exactly the same. I think it’s such a shame, she is awkward and not good at sport and unfortunately all the activities she was doing reached a point where they were competitive.

We do one on one swimming lessons. Expensive but worth it.

she is in scouts - lots of hikes and games but not competitive in a sports sense.

Teen gym - our local gym has teen gym sessions. I’m going to start this next year.

Other ideas I had was horse-riding and doing the couch to 5k with her.

That’s OK. Now you know.

I hated school team sports due to intense bullying, but I was active in other ways - cycling and walking as "solo" pursuits. I had a long paper round so that was my "walking" ticked off for the day - about 2 miles every morning. I liked cycling just for fun, either with family or on my own - could go off for the whole day and easily do 20 miles without that much effort.

When I started work after leaving school, it was a crap low paid job and I couldn't afford the bus every day, so I'd cycle most days, and walk on nice Summer days - about 3 miles each way. Only taking the bus in very bad weather.

Then I joined the police as a special constable which involved "walking the beat" for a few hours per shift, which was easily 20k steps per shift, sometimes 30k.

When I got a serious boyfriend, we were both pretty active and took up tennis, squash, golf and skiing, and still did lots of walking and cycling as a couple too, with a regular 10-20 mile walk in the countryside almost every Sunday, also gym members for a decade or two so we could keep active (together or on our own according to availability) in winter and bad weather.

Never, ever, done any "group" activities since school, and never missed it nor had the urge to try it again after the intense bullying at school.

For the OP, I'd just suggest they try to include more activity in their daily lives, not necessarily "sport" as such, but just more movement, more walking/cycling etc rather than using the car, - just let more activity "creep" into normal daily life.

Tell her it's absolutely fine to hate competitive sports. All that matters is that she takes good care of her health and fitness.

IMO it is essential that children learn to swim and keep up their ability to do so. It's a lifesaver. So maybe start with suggesting a weekly swim. I told my very unsporty DS2 that learning to swim was non negotiable. I took him swimming once a week, increase the number of lengths by 2 each week until he could swim a mile.

Does she have a good bike? Try some easy bike rides and increase by a couple of miles each time until she is confident at riding 10 miles with steep inclines etc.

She could try yoga and weight training or bootcamps. Buy some simple handweights or kettle bells or just resistance bands and start off with some online 10/15 minute workouts.

I wish schools didn't focus so much on competitive sport. I was in my twenties before I realised I loved fitness. I just hated and was terrible at ball sports due to lousy hand to eye co-ordination. If school had offered keep fit classes, yoga, bootcamps etc I'd have loved it.

School are ridiculous for making such a huge deal out of these sports competitions, as if it has any bearing on how you'll turn out! I was rubbish at PE, and guess what, slim, healthy bmi, lots of stamina. I play moderate sports such as tennis, and go on 7 mile hikes with ease.

My kids are not that sporty but they do parkour and skateboarding.

The thing is they chose to do these things themselves. One saw it at the Olympics on TV. The other saw someone doing parkour on a YouTube video.

They have tried other sports but they need to find their thing. I love running but I'll never get then doing that as it's not for them.

I would back off and encourage them when they do find their thing. That might be over the summer holidays it might take longer.

I came to suggest rugby. As a non-sporty woman, I found it great.

You don't need to be able to run, throw or catch - just look at every prop ever. Everyone is bad when they first start because the ball is weirdly shaped and the rules make no sense. It really is a sport of all different shapes and sizes, at every level, but especially for women at lower levels.

People start as complete beginners well into adulthood. It's a very open, supportive community too. I've never seen a sport where people care so little about winning - at most clubs, you're basically a star player for just turning up so there are enough bodies to not forfeit the match.

Not to diminish that there are fantastic, talented, strategic, athletic players. Our women's team are awesome... but you don't have to be at all good, practised or "sporty" to do really well.

She likes walking and is OK with swimming. Why does she need to do anything else

My non competitive, non sporty kids have enjoyed yoga, hill walking (good for D of E and we got a dog) and the gym. I got them both a junior gym membership from 14 to come with us and they enjoy that.

How about volunteering as a Tail Walker at Park Run. You have to walk and you have to stay at the back so literally no competitiveness. She will also meet a very wide range of people of all ages and abilities and see that you don't have to look a certain way or be a certain type of person to exercise.