To ask how to motivate a kid who is intimidated by competitive sports to want to exercise?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

My DD (14) really struggles with sport at school. She's not naturally sporty and finds the whole ethos of competition really intimidating and offputting. I was the same at school so can absolutely relate: it feels as if people are pushed to compete for the sake of winning, kids who are not sporty and don't excel are largely ignored (or in a worst-case scenario humiliated) and excluded by teachers and it's hugely offputting for those kids. It's a horrible, us and them environment and I think schools aren't really aware how damaging it can be for non-sporty kids (but that's another thread).

At the same time, the bottom line is she needs to exercise for her health and I want to instil healthy habits. But I simply cannot persuade her to put any effort into it. Her sports teachers have told me she needs to try harder but she is absolutely resolute that she hates it and won't do it even under duress. We've tried other slightly less pressured environments such as junior parkrun (she hates running so she just walked it) and swimming, which she's OK with and she loves walking, but basically anything that smacks of competition or involves teams will make her run for the hills. She's generally doing OK at school, is applying herself to most subjects to some degree and she's happy and healthy but she loathes sport and is unmovable that she won't do it.

I personally got back into exercise after hating sport at school when I was in my 20s running, doing yoga and aerobics. I came to understand that I enjoy exercise which weren't about winning or beating others but just about improving your own health and fitness. But by and large schools and clubs don't really encourage this ethos, it's all about competition. And in any case she absolutely won't join a club.

Any suggestions from anyone whose kids have had a similar antipathy for sport? I want to find a way to motivate her without pressuring her.

i’m the same, but I love yoga and rock climbing, walking, swimming, surfing, rollerskating, boxing, and I’m even growing to like weightlifting. There’s lots of ways to stay active without getting competitive. Try a few things like skating that don’t look like sport but more like play?

They have liked niche skill based stuff much more than mainstream team sports. My DD did fencing for a while and a self defence class and DS enjoys indoor climbing. They still like messing about on our climbing frame as teenagers and DS taught himself to do pull ups.

My dd14 is the same. Not interested in group sports or being competitive. She gets her exercise through walking. Dh and I take in turns of walking with her and she does about 3 km about 5 times a week. It's always a brisk walk, some times hilly, but mostly it gives her a chance to get some endorphins and talk through her day.

Also cycling is a bit of a given around here. All the kids cycle to school, to each others houses and into town and they see it as transport and not exercise. I guess that is heavily dependent on where you live but I thought that being independently mobile might be a way to sell it that isn’t exercise.

YouTube fitness videos to do together at home? The Body Project are good.

There is Maeve Madden on Instagram, she runs a programme called Queens Don’t Quit with at-home workouts which you do have to pay for. She also regularly
posts shorter routines on her Instagram for free.

Another idea about daily activity is that we always walk or cycle wherever we can. I will not drive anyone to school or the local shops as these are walkable distance. If they want to buy snacks at least they have to walk to get them. We also have a family rule that we always take the stairs (not the lift or escalator). I got my kids to believe that lifts are for people who are old or disabled so they automatically don’t use them now. I read something about how the small bits of daily activity we do add up and are more important in fact than organised sessions so I have concentrated on getting them to have those small habits more than on playing sport which I always hated and so do they.

I’m the 47 year old version of your daughter! I despise sport, hated PE at school and hate any kind of competitive sport even now. I also hate exercise classes because as soon as the instructor starts talking I’m back at school with vile PE teachers! However, I’m now fat and unfit. I do walk, and should walk more because I love it, including proper hiking. Encourage activity, don’t call it sport!

Leave the poor kid alone. You'll achieve nothing except to put her back up and put her off exercise for life. She's a teenager, you'll have plenty of things along the way to fall out about without adding this to the list, The poor girl will have enough to put up with having to do PE at school without you adding any more to the pressure.

I was your daughter! Hated school sports, refused to do them any more from age 14, still hate team sports and exercise classes with a fiery passion. However I love walking and also discovered I enjoy power yoga, weights, horse riding and hiking. As long as your daughter is active she doesn't need to do an official activity or join a club; indeed that might put her off more. But you can set up or encourage fun activities which include movement and don't resemble school sports. She'll find her way.

I didn’t do much sport as a teen, but I did walk a lot to school & various social activities alone & with friends as I liked being independent & it was also very sociable. This meant that when I did want to do sport a bit later, I had a basic level of fitness to build on.

If she likes walking, you could think about her week & if there are any journeys she could walk instead of by car / bus to increase her independence. Cycling might also work for this for short trips that are a bit too long to walk, if you have safe routes.

If she is happy to walk the Parkrun, you could encourage that as Parkrun are really keen to encourage parkwalking for people who can’t or don’t want to run. She could also volunteer to be the official parkwalker or tailwalker as she might find the volunteer credits motivating (the 5k app is good for this) or useful for Duke of Edinburgh.

Would she try martial arts? Or dance? Can she go swimming regularly? What about joining a gym?

Dance class ??
cheerleading ???

walking the junior park run is better than not going

Youth group : rangers, sea cadets ? Air cadets ??
all will have activity as opposed to formal sport

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this input.

To clarify, I absolutely understand those on here who are talking about how off-putting sport at school was. I was exactly the same and the last thing I want to do is to force her into something which makes her unhappy or uncomfortable. I think schools' approach to sport is often extremely counterproductive as it focuses on the most able kids and alienates everyone else. I completely get this.

But I also know from personal experience how important exercise is for physical and mental health and I want her to be equipped to do this for herself.

She's agreed this morning to a once weekly swim and to volunteer at Parkrun. I'm also going to look into tennis lessons this summer.

What does she not enjoy about activity? Is it really the competitiveness or is she just an excuse for something else (eg being teased / bullied)? Is she unfit or inflexible? Is she self-conscious about wearing PE clothes or doing stuff during her periods? Depending on the reasons you can suggest stuff after school.

If she’s unfit / inflexible I’d recommend starting whole body activities like gynmastics / climbing / rowing / martial arts / swimming and taking it slowly - enroll her in girls only or 16+ classes if local activities are too young child or boy centric. Even beginners yoga can be fun if you do it with her.

If it’s a wider self-confidence issue then enrolling her in a sports club outside of echool for a competitive sport may well help. School clubs tend to never pick the kids who are genuinely the best - just the ones who are fastest or score the most. But a proper sports club will reward things like consistancy of passing / teamwork / setting up goals etc.

I was also completely put off by school sports.
I have always loved swimming, cycling, and did yoga as my DofE sport with my mum and basically have kept those up my whole life. I now do Pilates instead of yoga but same idea!

Oh that’s great you’ve found something she’s agreed to do.

I see it’s been mentioned but I was going to suggest climbing- loads of climbing centres popping up and it’s very much non competitive. Also my local gym runs teen sessions, the staff will show them how to use the machines and give them tips on reps/rests etc. Just in case you have similar and it might be of interest.

Oh lord I was your daughter. It took a while to get there for me but after much trial and error (bless my mam and her infinite patience) I fell in love with kayaking and climbing at 15. Still do them now! Worth a go? Some collaboration needed at times but both are mostly solo activities and while they can be competitive, they don't feel it in a casual setting.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman if she likes swimming has she considered the lifeguard training? I didn't want to do swim club but loved doing lifeguard training.
It was a mix of swimming skills, rescue skills and first aid training when I did it

I think its largely the way the kids at her school treat non sporty kids. She dreads sports days or any team activities because she feels she's always the last to get chosen and she says if she makes any mistakes during games they gang up on her and shout at her saying she's letting everyone down etc. She was briefly on a hockey team at school and she said she was always made to feel like the also-ran: only ever picked when one of the more able kids was off sick etc. The PE teachers are always quite insensitive in the way they deal with it: the rhetoric is always "well if you don't push yourself you won't succeed" etc. (As a side note, every PE teacher I've ever known has always been remarkably lacking in empathy, but that's anecdata).

She was also in a swimming club for a bit but again there were loads of much younger kids who swam better than her.

It's given her a bit of a hangup that she's underperforming at sport and she doesn't want to put herself out there to be humiliated, as she sees it. As I've said before, I felt very similar at her age. I didn't do any physical exercise whatsoever between the ages of about 15 and my late 20s when it dawned on me that I could exercise without being humiliated for my lack of prowess. I just need her to have that same "aha" moment.

But the hates running and hates yoga, which are my go-to things. So swimming it is for the time being.

Have you checked out your local sports clubs? DS doesn't really like exercise (he goes to swimming...because I make him and he's actually quite good). He's never been into football, which is mostly what all the boys around here are doing. However, our local gymnastics club are offering a special class just for boys who aren't really into sports. It's non-competitive and not just gymnastics-related. They are on the sports field in the summer and do a bit of athletics, some games, etc. In winter, they are in the sports hall and do gymnastics stuff with equipment, trying out new things but no competition or anything like that. It's mixed ages.

Alternatively, would she be interested in volunteering with any sports and helping with the younger kids? That might be a way in for her. Or what about sports that can be done as non-competitive sports? Sailing? Scuba diving?

I'd just encourage and facilitate anything she expressed an interest in. So if she likes walking, brilliant, I'd offer to get her some nice new trainers, some matching headphones (only for if she doesn't walk alone, unfortunately), a comfy cute outfit, water bottle... whatever her style is.

If she doesn't go for walks when it gets cold or dark, I'd get her a walking pad (mine goes up to 6km/h). Obviously no problem if you can't afford these things.

If she wants to do yoga, pilates, swimming... I would get her whatever gear she needed and drive her if possible. That would have been massively helpful when I was young.

14 might be too young for the gym but lots of women who were like her (and me) and hated PE growing up end up really liking weightlifting.

I wouldn't push anything though, I'd just make sure she knew I'd help with anything she wanted to do.

Thanks, yes I'm looking into both and also paddleboarding for those who mentioned this.

I think you've got to sneak exercise in. Set her cleaning and gardening tasks also dog walking if you have one. A Saturday job in a shop or cafe, she'll walk miles doing that, and earn a bit of money. Also fun things she might like with her frends like roller discos or trampoline park.

Also, can she walk to school?