To ask how to motivate a kid who is intimidated by competitive sports to want to exercise?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

My DD (14) really struggles with sport at school. She's not naturally sporty and finds the whole ethos of competition really intimidating and offputting. I was the same at school so can absolutely relate: it feels as if people are pushed to compete for the sake of winning, kids who are not sporty and don't excel are largely ignored (or in a worst-case scenario humiliated) and excluded by teachers and it's hugely offputting for those kids. It's a horrible, us and them environment and I think schools aren't really aware how damaging it can be for non-sporty kids (but that's another thread).

At the same time, the bottom line is she needs to exercise for her health and I want to instil healthy habits. But I simply cannot persuade her to put any effort into it. Her sports teachers have told me she needs to try harder but she is absolutely resolute that she hates it and won't do it even under duress. We've tried other slightly less pressured environments such as junior parkrun (she hates running so she just walked it) and swimming, which she's OK with and she loves walking, but basically anything that smacks of competition or involves teams will make her run for the hills. She's generally doing OK at school, is applying herself to most subjects to some degree and she's happy and healthy but she loathes sport and is unmovable that she won't do it.

I personally got back into exercise after hating sport at school when I was in my 20s running, doing yoga and aerobics. I came to understand that I enjoy exercise which weren't about winning or beating others but just about improving your own health and fitness. But by and large schools and clubs don't really encourage this ethos, it's all about competition. And in any case she absolutely won't join a club.

Any suggestions from anyone whose kids have had a similar antipathy for sport? I want to find a way to motivate her without pressuring her.

My theory is that this country would be a lot fitter if schools cared much less about who won at sports. Being a loser every Wednesday - and having it made very clear to you that losing is the most terrible failure - obviously discourages people from ever doing it when they're adults.

If PE teachers said, "Well done the blue team for winning, though to be honest it really doesn't matter a fuck who wins. It's just school sports and none of you is going to make a career of it - I just hope you had fun', then people would be much more inclined to carry on doing it into adult life.

I wouldn’t worry about it. I know plenty of women who were the same at 14 but changed in their 20s or 30s, sometimes even later. Also, don’t overlook the fact that most teenagers walk a fair distance every day, often with heavy bags, up and down stairs all day at school etc.

I went from liking exercise to hating it and back again

things I like
paddleboarding
outdoor wild swimming - involves a decent walk there, mix of ages, people being dogs etc, some don’t swim and just come for the coffee and walk
peloton app - it has outdoor walks and runs on but I also do the weights and spin classes
spin classes - I just love them
aerial hoop is a lot of fun
climbing indoors

Paddle boarding doesn’t feel like exercise even though it is, once you’ve got the hang of it you can make it as easy or as hard as you like. A gentle glide along a canal doesn’t need much effort but then at the other extreme you can go all out. It’s a lovely family hobby and can naturally lead into other sports like kayaking, lots of PBs near us do yoga as it helps with board balance. AquaPaddle is the equivalent to Parkrun, non-competitive social events.

School PE sessions generally favour team sports (and public changing rooms, which does wonders for the body-confidence of teenagers... not!). In my schools, being a girl meant that I was to play netball, hockey and rounders. Netball was tedious, hockey was too gentle, and though I could whack a ball in rounders, I never did achieve my lifetime ambition of hitting my most-hated PE teacher in the face...

On top of that, daily sporting extracurricular activities was enough to put me off sport (I was arty and musical, but this wasn't good enough) and people (I was bullied, anxious and generally antisocial). As soon as I got to 16, I quit everything and avoided exercising on purpose (with the exception of occasional "fun" trips like ice-skating or horse riding)... much to the horror of certain fitness fanatic relatives. They were very pushy about me doing sport. The more you push me, the more I tend to resist. Thus, don't push her and don't make her overdo it, OP! Also, is she more into art, music or something else, rather than- or in addition to- sport?

Once weekly evening swims (when it was quiet, i.e. about six adults in the pool) was my re-entry to the sporting world as an adult. It was much more relaxing than being bellowed at by swimming teachers, or being told to race up and down the pool for X amount of lengths.

Well said, @SuburbanSprawl !

She can just go to the gym?

Or horse riding?

What about horse riding? It's not typically sporty but is definitely hard-core exercise and generally a supportive environment. I do it despite hating any and all exercise. It doesn't feel like exercise. Even at a competition barn, we're not competitive with each other, everyone is supportive and friendly

The Junior BS circuit is certainly not all friendly or supportive 😬 but agree that horse riding for fun definitely can be great and friendly

My lovely, small gym has teen gym classes where they do strength and conditioning classes in small groups. My son does this and sounds like your daughter. It's full of non-sporty kids, often those who are Nd, who can all proceed at their own pace in a calm and supportive atmosphere.

Yoga
Dance Classes
Roller skating / skateboarding
Taking peoples dogs out for walks for her pocket money

Just don’t call it exercise

Ditto going for nice walks at the weekend.

Ugh. I would have regarded the expectation to join in with paddleboarding or running, as harassment.

I would however have made use of membership at a really posh spa-type swimming pool.

Cycling.

There's so many different types and entries.

There's your typical bmx which is serious skills.

Road bikes which go fast and are very addictive.

Mountain bikes which teens seems to love.

And track which is all about speed indoors. Very addictive. Very adrenaline fuelled.

I love cycling. I wasn't sporty at all in school because I have body dysmorphia, hated team sports and everything my school offered was team sports or running which again, I hated.

In my mid 20s discovered bikes again. Wish I had done it sooner.

The brilliant thing about bikes is you can use them for everyday so it doesn't feel like exercise, you can be as social or as antisocial as you want, and it is so incredibly easy for the whole family to get involved.

I know you said not competitive but so you have a local rugby club with a girls' section.

Girls rugby is incredibly inclusive and encouraging. There is a lot of focus on friendship and team work. Might not suit all girls but definitely has a reputation for being a great place for girls who perhaps haven't previously enjoyed sport and having a place for all shapes and sizes. Over the age of 11 all rugby is single sex for training and matches.

Many clubs do fun summer training when just a pair of trainers is fine. and usually let you have a free trial session so no big outlay

An alternative suggestion.....
Me and my daughter (both zero interest in sport) like playing the physical games on an old Nintendo Wii.
Some are quite exhausting!

Gym. Fitness. I hated sports. I LOVE weight training. And no. I don’t look chunky.

I was this child. I disliked team sports, with a passion and still do. Schools are generally geared around team sports, and this doesn't appear to have changed. I lacked coordination, which didn't help and was always picked last. I couldn't give two hoots if I came first or last in anything, I simply wasn't interested. You can't make a child like sport and you can't make a child interested in team or competitive sports. Your daughter isn't interested, end of, and it's wasted energy trying to make her. Honestly, step back completely - you may not mean to pressurise your daughter, but you are. She enjoys walking, this is free and excellent for keeping her healthy. Help her channel that interest, suggest a forest, lake or beach walk, perhaps incorporate some blackberry picking into it. As she becomes older, she will find her way...she may prefer the gym, pilates, yoga etc. The more you push, the more she'll dig her heels in. As long as she's a healthy weight, eats healthy, and is happy, that's what counts.

I totally agree. I found this when I was at school in the 80s and I've been dismayed to find that nothing much has changed since then.

Masses of kids are put off PE by this compete or die attitude which only motivates the small handful of kids who are the best in their set. For the rest its deliberately exclusionary. A kid who is potentially interested in a sport but not naturally gifted at it or who has not been practicing it since they were a toddler is never going to compete with the "elite" kids so they're hugely turned off by this. Sports day is a great example of this. It's fun for maybe 10% of the kids, its at best boring for the majority of kids, for a small handful it's downright humiliating. And this is the only element of school life where kids are forced to compete directly with other kids of wildly different aptitude. You don't get "maths day" where kids doing double maths and heading for a maths degree are up against those likely to scrape a foundation grade at GCSE. Why is the ritual humiliation of sports day still held to be a good idea?

I'm not advocating an "all must win prizes" approach: I don't expect kids who aren't good at sport to be rewarded for it. Most non-sporty kids know they'll never be able to compete with the elites and most of them don't give a shit, they just don't want to have to participate in the thing. Why not let them sit it out?

And why not encourage non competitive exercise such as swimming, dance and yoga? I know school budgets are limited but if they can afford hockey club etc surely it can't be beyond their wit to offer other non competitive exercise options?

Thanks for your suggestion but I don't think she would get along with rugby.