To think that people are complicit with neglect

[Wierdyperiody]

There's a woman in my community, she is a prolific Facebooker, involved in lots of community activities and attracts a fair amount of praise and attention.

She has two young teenage boys, neither of them attend school or and activities or clubs, one never leaves the house at all and the other only goes out with her occasionally. In conversation she said a they don't get out of bed until near lunchtime and spend most of the day playing computer games.

They are both allegedly autistic, they did go to school and now have home education. The woman is out and about doing her activities for whole days leaving the children at home alone

I spend more than a healthy amount of time thinking about whether this is child neglect and imagine my own DD who is a similar age effectively being housebound, having no outside interaction. It really upsets me. It also upsets me that someone who is neglecting their children is praised and celebrated so much

I did suggest a playdate between my DD and the 12 year old as both like boardgames and had a nice friendship when they were much younger. The woman slammed it down.

Aibu to think this is neglect and there's a whole community of people complicit in this because no one seems to be thinking about these boys being in a top floor flat day after day?

What is “allegedly” autistic?

Is this just a thread about the horrors of home Ed without actually knowing ANYTHING about it?

Yeah my neighbours were like this. Very sad. Home ed can be great but some people just CBA

Would that not, by your logic, make you complicit?!

Are they waiting for a school that can meet their needs?

If you have concerns about neglect please phone the NSPCC helpline for advice and guidance on how to report it. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and you are complicit if you are just posting on mumsnet.

and had a nice friendship when they were much younger.

aaaah so there’s a back story between this woman and you!

Welll it's certainly not helping them to develop into adults who can live independently and understand the world around them, so if that really isn't happening then it's poor parenting at the very least.

I'm guessing irony is not a strong point of yours? I mean what with you also being complicit by having all this knowledge and keeping quiet.

YANBU to be concerned. YABU to complain about people being complicit with neglect whilst being complicit with (what you think could be) neglect.

Report it if you’re concerned.

Yes I agree. We are all responsible for safeguarding when we suspect abuse - so report your concerns!

I was neglected by my mother who was a pillar of the community and a celebrated artist on the outside, I lived a sort of half life and was quite neglected. Her excuse for my neglect was that I had problems. Behind closed doors I was treated badly. I'm not sure if I'm projecting my own experience onto this woman and making it worse that it is..

If you know children who you suspect are being abused and you don’t report it to SS then yes you are complicit in their abuse.

Why do you thinks she had made up a common neurological disorder?

Wow some harsh responses.

I agree OP. It’s not ok but in my experience it’s very hard to get services involved in cases like this. But, nevertheless, it is worth phoning social services to get some anonymous advice.

I wonder if the mum might fit the bill for communal narcissist personality style, but impossible to know for sure, but sounds like she is great at doing the ‘good stuff’ in public but not at home. Or may be she doesn’t know what to do and is avoiding.

Its a tricky one to report because there's no real evidence of neglect. Its arguably a lifestyle issue that you don't personally agree with. Do the local authority still do spot checks on home ed? If so, hopefully it'll be picked-up if the parents are failing to deliver education to an acceptable standard.

Just keep an eye out for anything untoward and report as necessary.

I’m so sorry. That’s not ok. You deserved better.

I think you are seeing damage that others might find harder to see because they haven’t lived it.

I think you’ll feel better about it if you anonymously consult with Social Services to see if what you observe would need acting on.

The elephant in the room is that one often can't have any confidence that we have the structures and services necessary to actually improve anything.

So OP mentions them being allegedly autistic, and hasn't expanded on what that means. If they're diagnosed or on the waiting list, they could be waiting for a suitable school place. We presumably all know what a shit job the UK does with SN DC who struggle in school. If the mother needs mental health support, good luck with that one. Then Social Services are constantly firefighting and even when things are so bad that kids are removed, the state is an appalling parent.

It's comforting to think these kids lives would improve if someone reported, but I wouldn't be betting on it.

I also wonder if the mum has been advised to do low demand parenting. I could see how this could look like neglect to an outsider.

Tough one OP. Its good that you have recognised something isn't right. Is there another caregiver for the children.

I would keep offering them over to yours for some board game fun nights until she asks you to stop offering. Keep a record of all of your interactions, and then you have something concrete to report i.e. you noticed that the kids were not outside, you offered interaction and this did not happen.

It could be that she is really struggling, or they are having autistic meltdowns and so she knows they could kick off.

But a very tough situation.

You are also complicit. Report her.

By all means report if you're concerned. Otherwise you are complicit too.
But I wouldn't assume neglect. Single mum (I assume, no mention of dad) and two autistic teenage boys in a failing education system, I imagine she is doing her best with the minimal support on offer. Would you feel better if she sat at home and watched them play video games all day?

Yes, this is what I'm thinking really. I can't see anything that would warrant a safeguarding intervention with resources for children's safeguarding are poor.

There are plenty of neurological differences but whatever they might be, theres a level of neglect or trauma that has to be arrived at to reach a place where a child never leaves the house.

Home Education is great when it meets children's needs.

Yes, exactly, this. However at what point is it not okay and at what point is it neglect if you're not proactively getting your kids out of the house on a regular basis to get involved in the world....

How do you know she isn't doing her best? How do you know she hasn't been doing her best for years? Absoluty report if you have concerns but you obviously don't understand autism so you should stop monitoring her and leave the judgment to professionals who do.

So your daughter and one of the sons used to be close

so you know this woman rather well and not just on facebook

go on op…. Tell us the back story!