To think that people are complicit with neglect

[Wierdyperiody]

There's a woman in my community, she is a prolific Facebooker, involved in lots of community activities and attracts a fair amount of praise and attention.

She has two young teenage boys, neither of them attend school or and activities or clubs, one never leaves the house at all and the other only goes out with her occasionally. In conversation she said a they don't get out of bed until near lunchtime and spend most of the day playing computer games.

They are both allegedly autistic, they did go to school and now have home education. The woman is out and about doing her activities for whole days leaving the children at home alone

I spend more than a healthy amount of time thinking about whether this is child neglect and imagine my own DD who is a similar age effectively being housebound, having no outside interaction. It really upsets me. It also upsets me that someone who is neglecting their children is praised and celebrated so much

I did suggest a playdate between my DD and the 12 year old as both like boardgames and had a nice friendship when they were much younger. The woman slammed it down.

Aibu to think this is neglect and there's a whole community of people complicit in this because no one seems to be thinking about these boys being in a top floor flat day after day?

Awful comparison to make. Why would there be no sunlight? Presumably, even flats have windows. There's an enormous difference between not having access to socialisation and the outside world, and one woman not being able to force two grown man sized children to socialise and go outside.
Some autistic people never cope with the outside world. We used to institutionalise them. Now we point fingers at their mums and offer entirely inadequate support.

Youre right OP. Let’s face it, those kids lives are over. We all know they’ll be hermits fur the rest of their lives, having a girlfriend, living on their own, booking a holiday will all be a pipe dream. They will never function in society and she is causing/contributing to that outcome.

I read it as the OP acknowledging that she is also complicit and feeling conflicted about what to do. Rather than the OP accusing everyone else of being complicit and absolving herself.

Parenting autistic DC is difficult. I have a teen DS with ASD. But if you have concerns about the children's welfare then please make a call to social services. Chances are the family already have a social worker, but at least you know you have done what you can.

I think that you have no idea about the specific needs of her children so keep your nose out.

Interesting comments and perspectives, I definately feel a little more informed about how nuanced this situation is.

My own DD was completely burned out at 7 and not at all fine in school and placed on diagnostic pathways and put of school for over a year and on part time.

Through persistent and exhausting interventions...which I created myself .......(This included pyjamas days!) effort to get her past her comfort zone and me having to face the judgement and resistance of the public....family.... regularly.......

.she has gone from being on a diagnostic pathway for autism and other disorders to being assessed as only tendancies and removed from the pathway

She is now thriving academically and socially. During this time I gave up everything work-wise, socially etc. I also took a long hard look at myself and how I had contributed to her difficulties through the way I parented and the impact of the wider family system and education system she was in.

We cultivate a home life and routine that built safety and wellness with low pressure. It did not include laying in bed until lunchtime and endless screen time. (Though there were days with more screen than is good) There was structure and routine, a calender of activities and more often than not she would resist then after a few weeks of resistance would enjoy them.

This was the hardest and most toughest work I've done in my whole life.

To me, knowing what is possible with effort and commitment, there are so few excuses for children to be house bound for 18 months and glued to screens for most of the day.

As this woman posts everything she does on social media...including her children's business ...that they are autistic and trans and various comments they make, that they've got a new item of clothing they love, have eaten a fish fingers sandwich etc...

I think if I'm honest I'm a little jealous that she gets so much praise attention and validation when clearly there is so much wrong.

I don't have time or inclination to bloody generate that much attention for myself, on social media or otherwise and feel like I've walked over hot coals for years to pull my family through various wreckages.

I have lots of hugs from my daughter though and watching her thrive and socialise and so on is enough.

It just irritates me and knowing that these boys issues are being aired to an entire community via social media and their quality of life is quite poor is really sad.

Someone said communal narcissism and yes, there is this I think... She is always saying things like ' I have worked so hard today at the rescue centre and I don't need any praise because the satisfaction of raising awareness of animal rights is enough'

And 'i nearly run out of space this week in my tiny humble home - more guinea pigs have been saved from terrible live and I do this while carrying for my two autistic boys!'

It's bloody dire.

Well yes, but the chances are that these children aren't being kept under lock and key or at the mercy of an institution so it's not comparable.

Do you think so? its so bloody sad.

Kids in the public care system...despite it's horrors ...would not be able to languish like this....a foster carer would not be able to justify this kind of parenting.....hence why foster carers are given training to cope with high demand parenting situations

The door might not be locked and bolted, they are just choosing not to leave. Bet the kids bedroom curtains are always closed too.

Well how lovely for you that you feel as though you cured your daughters autism through sheer hard work.

Clearly the rest of us inferior beings have a lot to learn from you.

It's nice for you that you think autistic teenage boys in the care system would go to a foster home.

@Wierdyperiody Please do report to SS. And I say this as being a mum with an autistic DS who didn't go to school for two years who someone reported as being neglected for that reason. What happened was: called in to meeting with SS and a home visit. We could explain all that had been done and what we were waiting for. They contacted the school, Cahms and his psychiatrist who could all confirm that we had done everything we could to help our son and that we were currently waiting for an adapted school placement and that I did home school him in waiting (English, Maths, History following the national program).

That was it. SS closed the investigation and wished us good luck. No harm done. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Did I feel it was injust being put under scrutiny when I didn't work in order to be there for my son who was suffering and made us all suffer to the point that we had to sometimes hospitalise him? Yes. Do I think that anyone who suspects that a child might be in danger/ neglected should report it? A hundred times yes. Some hurt feelings on the parents part is nothing if you can possibly save a child's life.

It’s not about pointing fingers.

Its about someone believing that there is possible child neglect and being too afraid of saying anything because the children are ‘autistic’.

In no other circumstances would someone not leaving the house for months or years be acceptable.

My cousin is 6’5” and weighs over 20stone. His mum is 5’3” and less than 9stone.
He’s non verbal, developmentally a young child and can be very violent.
His mum still takes him shopping, to his specialist unit, out in the garden etc.
He also has carers who take him out.

It is not easy forcing any teen out of the house but I think it’s becoming way too acceptable for people to use the autistic excuse to be lazy or even neglectful and people being too afraid to question it.
But these are the kids that will suffer the most in the long run and who need the most protecting.

I don’t think they should be forced to leave the house but I do think if someone thinks that the kids are being neglected they should report it, regardless of whether they have autism or not.

Yes, what an adorable take.

Maybe offer to help her? Her home life could be awful, blanked by two children who refuse to engage. You say she is involved in lots of things but there are many hours in a day, you don't know what other stuff goes on when she is home. I suspect these activities are the only thing keeping her sane.

I think you are right to be concerned but try to do this without making judgement. You say allegedly autistic, but I even if they weren't diagnosed it's not normal behaviour to stay locked in a room all day so there is definitely something very seriously wrong here. So try to see her as the mother of two high needs children, a role that is phenomenally difficult and you wouldn't wish on anyone.

Who says anyone is "too afraid"? What is stopping OP or anyone else from reporting concerns? And I don't believe anyone on this thread has said that concerns shouldn't be reported.
And whilst it's great that your cousin can get her child out and about, everyone's needs are different. It is called a spectrum for a reason. If he didn't want to go out, there's not a damn thing your cousin or his carers could do about it.

How do you know that though?

If this was 10 years ago and you knew that there was a child next door but you never saw them and they never left the house, then most people would have been really concerned and would think the worst.

Just because they’re autistic or she’s an ‘upstanding’ citizen, doesn’t mean there’s not abuse or neglect happening.

The mum will have 2 x DLA payments for each of the kids and this will revert to PIP once they are 16. They will be fine financially without work and as you say happy in the room gaming. The Local Authority will also be wasting more tax payers money on a private tutoring service provider to send round to the house for “home education” which also ticks box for safeguarding as the child has to be seen.

Also OP you are getting all this info from Facebook, just stop looking at it. Who is praising her? Idiot SM followers, that's who. Why would you care what they think. If putting up fake bullshit posts about your life was a crime she wouldn't be the only one in trouble. Many many people post about their children, personally I don't agree with it but they do. What is of relevance is what is actually happening in that house, not her Sm version.

The school system is a source of trauma for many autisitic children.

What do you mean she ‘slammed your invitation for a play date down’? If you’d asked in a nice way, surely she’d have said no thanks or yes please, not slammed it down?

Well then OP should report it if that's what she thinks is happening. It's what the services are there for.

In fact, knowing this happened to someone close by in the 70s I'd even urge the OP to go straight to the police if that's what she thinks is happening. I strongly urge her to do so.

But if she finds out that it isn't what is actually happening I hope she'll get off her holier than thou tirade just because her daughter hasn't met the criteria for diagnosis and thinking therefore the rest of us are clearly just not trying hard enough.

Ouch. You sound a bit like me, OP. Someone who put everything on hold for years to support your child, who sought help in all the right places, involved the right agencies, took the time to do the research, made all the right interventions, balanced care with boundaries and insistence, chose to forego and sacrifice, faced down judgement and bore scrutiny ...like every other SEN parent I know (and as a teacher, I have supported many parents on this journey). Yet here I am, DC1 still definitely autistic with SPLD, and the associated challenges this brings, about to enter the world of work in a few years time at a significant disadvantage, despite working incredibly hard to overcome her differences.

Surely you realise that, although your hard work turned out to be just what your daughter needed, she isn't autistic, and has managed to -with your support- overcome a significant developmental hump. Amazing work, both of you!

Your acquaintance's DC are autistic. She sounds irritating. You sound resentful. Reach out to SS if you feel the need.

I had to laugh at 'slammed it down'.

Did she play much basketball?

I know a dozen teenage boys and autistic or not most of the time their bedroom curtains are closed.