Commenting on someone’s weight

[BlueNell]

I was chatting with DH yesterday and in the course of the conversation he remarked that he looked fat. I didn’t say anything in response at which point he said ‘you’re not denying it then?’, so I responded with ‘well you are fat’.

For context he’s a size 4XL with a BMI >40. So what was I supposed to say? He was upset with me agreeing he looks fat, but he is fat. We both have eyes, he must know he is fat, so why would I say he doesn’t look fat when he is? He says I didn’t have to agree so readily.

I would never be deliberately unkind but I don’t see why I should have to lie and say someone doesn’t look fat when they quite clearly are just to spare their feelings.

What an awful man, and a hypocrite. I would be throwing him out or leaving myself.

A bit over the top?

He’s not awful. He’s a wonderful, lovely man. I think he’s just in denial about his weight and wants me to collude with him so he doesn’t feel bad about it.

He thinks that it’s kinder to not make someone feel bad about themselves. I think it’s kinder to be truthful.

A bit of an overreaction first poster. It sounds like he was looking for positive affirmation and didn’t get it? Like you missed your supposed cue?

As a fat woman I don’t fish for faux compliments that my weight is ok. I am taking steps to addressing it. I’d rather silence on the issue, but it sounds like he was looking for support from you that he didn’t get?

Eh?

Didn't he know he was overweight until you pointed it out?

I think in that situation where he said 'I look fat' you could have said you I think you are lovely. It's giving the confidence boost he was clearly after whilst not commenting on his weight. You could even have said you are chubby but I still think you are lovely.

Everybody wants to think that their partner finds them attractive, presumably you do if you are with him. It is pretty blunt just to say you are fat and leave it at that.

I think I might have been a little more tactful, if it's a sore point. You could have said something like "It doesn't matter to me what you weigh, but I want you to be happy with yourself and healthy."

Those things are true (I hope), and also less hurtful.

You what? Did you read the same OP?

Too many people pussy foot over this issue. If my husband got fat, I’d tell him and vice versa.

As @TheWonderhorsesays. There’s a way of saying ‘yes you are fat’ without saying those words!

My DH has put on a bit of weight in the last few years - well, quite a lot actually 🙄

He will sometimes stand in front of the mirror tapping his stomach & ask me what I'm doing with 'Mr Blobby' or 'Mr Lardyarse' I always answer that I love him for himself &, if he feels that he needs to lose some weight I'll happily support him, but it makes no difference to me - there's more to love.

Oh right. How? Yeah, I’m often told I’m too blunt but I don’t know how else to be.

I did say nice things to him when he was upset but I don’t think it was helpful at that point because he was already upset.

He pushed you into saying it. And he might be in denial, to a degree, but he also definitely knows what size clothes he is wearing, and how much space he is taking up in the bed, for example.

Well yeah, I assumed he did know which was why I didn’t think it would upset him if I agreed! It’s not like it’s new information

Many people are in denial about their weight and take offence if you don’t agree with them. If he’s that sensitive I just wouldn’t answer in future.

Both DH and I are fat. I have zero issue with the word as I don't attach a moral value to weight.
He really hates the word and whenever I use it about myself he tries to argue that I'm not (I definitely am).

When DH calls himself fat, I say things like "yeah, but you look great in that top" or "we're both a bit fat and you know I'll support any changes you want to make. But I love you as you are".

Some people need a bit of a positive mixed in, you don't have to lie. I definitely wouldn't lie and if DH had an issue with what I say then I would tell him to stop fishing for compliments.

'Fat' is generally viewed as a negative word, and most people don't like to consider themselves as fat - even if they know they are overweight.

'You are a bigger chap', 'you would maybe feel better if you were a few pounds lighter', 'you possibly are a little cuddlier than might be ideal'.

If somebody has deliberately done or said something nasty, by all means come right out with it and set them straight, however much they deny it; but when it's something like this - to do with their own body image, self-confidence or esteem - they've done nothing to deserve being upset by their loved ones; and you can easily give them the message in a loving, supportive way.

"Well you are fat" is true, but perhaps a bit harsh 😄

I'd be more inclined to say something like "you know yourself that you've put on weight" or similar. Same thing but just seems slightly gentler!

YANBU

He asked, you chose not to say anything. He then asked you if you agreed he was, putting you in a no-win situation.

You say yes, he’s angry.

You say no, you’re lying and he knows you’re lying.

He was very unreasonable.

He's being ridiculous. With a BMI of over 40 he is fat and is unlikely to look good on it either.

It's not a few extra pounds nor is it something he can hide with flattering clothing. My partner has a BMI of 30. He sometimes mentions being fat. I do all the, "But I think you' look great," stuff - because (I think) he does - but I wouldn't insult his intelligence by denying that he is fat.

Your lack of tact was the issue, I think. Honesty and kindness aren't mutually exclusive.

Confused by this comment? What did he do wrong??

Good for you. Sounds like he could do with a bit of honesty! Why should you play into his delusion?

Like anything, there is a way of saying something, tact some might say.

4XL will be larger than most, and denying it won’t help. Probably answering along the lines of “ok, I hear you, what do you say we both join the gym I think we both could do with exercising more”.

He has eyes he can see he is overweight, what it sounds like he needs is some positive encouragement (like most of us in life).