DH and I both work full-time. We have a toddler DD. I have posted before about how much we are struggling with things like housework, decluttering and generally managing our routines, and have received some great advice which has helped a lot. I'm hoping I might get some helpful advice again.
DH is more senior than I am at work - he is a manager and earns a fair bit more. His role has a lot of stresses involved. However, he has been in the job for a long time and gets a lot of flexibility over his calendar and over what tasks he takes on. He is almost always able to finish work at 5pm and then leave it 'at the door'.
In contrast my role is more middling and is stressful in a different way. My job also represents a significant promotion and change from my previous work. It has been a steep learning curve for me since I started a year and a half ago. My position is actually a training role that involves studying for a uni course alongside my work; my module results get sent to my manager so I always feel under scrutiny, and if I do not pass the course, I will lose my job. There is the prospect of me equalling or surpassing DH's salary in a few years if all goes well but there is a lot of competition for jobs in my field and taking further steps up the career ladder is dependent on showing you've gone above and beyond in your role, leading projects, doing research on top of your regular job etc.
Here's the issue: I often find myself with work to do that I cannot complete within my working hours. What I tend to do is come home shortly after 5, do things with DH and DD, then get down to work again after DD is asleep. Ideally I'd do this maybe 3 nights a week. I generally avoid any work on weekends, although have had to do this a few times when big deadlines have loomed.
My DH hates that I do this. He says that seeing me working in the evenings makes it hard for him to relax; that it stops us from having enough quality time together; that it means that he ends up doing more with DD than I do and he does not get enough breaks (I'm dubious about this one as I still am the one who seems to get up with her most mornings whilst he has a lie-in); and that he is worried about my mental health given how much stress I seem to be under. He keeps saying I should just say no to some of the work I'm being given. He also points out - and he is right on this - that some of the things I'm doing are as a result of me agreeing to be part of extra projects beyond the remit of my job role and that I shouldn't be doing this when I'm already struggling with my workload.
My arguments are that: doing extra work outside of regular hours goes with the territory of my job (literally everyone else on my uni course and everyone else at a similar level to me at work is doing late nights and weekend work); that I'm actually doing less than a lot of my colleagues; that I have to show willing for extra projects if I'm going to have any chance of further promotion; that he was the one who supported me to go for this job in the first place and that I'd warned him from the start about what would be involved. I'd add that his disapproval of me working in the evenings is actually making my stress levels worse because now I'm having to put work aside to hang out / watch TV with him, then wake up very early in the mornings to do the extra work instead. In secret. I'm shattered. I don't socialise with friends or do hobbies anymore because I worry it would be too selfish of me to do this when I'm already taking time away from family life to work.
My DH has suggested that I don't worry about promotions etc and that maybe I'd be happier if I went part-time to have more time with DD, or moved back into a less stressful position. He's probably right: I would be happier. But opportunities like the one I've got now are gold dust in my profession and I don't want to waste it. DH is also a lot older than I am and wants to retire soon - he's full of plans about travelling the world with friends etc and sees it as my turn to pay for a larger proportion of things, and I don't get how we're going to afford the future he wants if I step back in my own career.
Who is being unreasonable? I get so angry when he asks me to do less work, like it feels as though he sees my work as trivial and is accusing me of being inefficient. But I'm not stupid and I'm not inefficient, and my work is important, and I'm working as hard as I can in my working hours (never take a lunch break etc) but it just never seems to be enough. At the same time I worry that I'm being selfish and letting my family down. It feels like I'll be letting them down whatever I do to be honest.
I'll add that I do actually love spending time with my DH and am not trying to use work to avoid him, but understandably I think he suspects this.
YABU to work outside of work hours
YANBU to do this