to not understand Christians who have sex/live together before marriage then marry in church?

[onlytwo]

Posting here because I am genuinely confused and not trying to offend anyone.

I keep seeing couples who describe themselves as Christians who have been living together for years, sometimes with kids, then they get married in church with all the religious vows etc. I thought one of the key Christian teachings is no sex before marriage yet it seems really common that people ignore that part but still have a big church wedding.

AIBU to think it is hypocritical?

So would you force the church to marry them? Against their conscience? That's not very inclusive either.
I presume your friends are Christians, they should ask around. It is possible there are vicars who will marry them because at least the C of E is a broad church. It may not be the local church, of course.

It is not accurate to say the Bible itself needs “updates” because the text has not changed; what has changed is how people choose to interpret it or whether they follow its teachings. The fact that many Christians today ignore or reinterpret biblical moral standards does not mean God or Scripture are unreliable; it shows human inconsistency, not divine error.

Christians believe the Bible reveals God’s moral standards which are meant to be timeless. The shifting attitudes you describe reflect people adapting their beliefs to fit what is culturally comfortable, not a flaw in the Bible itself. Just because many Catholics today do not follow traditional rules like avoiding meat on Fridays does not mean the teachings were wrong; it shows that people often prioritise convenience or personal preference over commitment to what they claim to believe.

If anything, the fact that people want to “update” or ignore parts of the Bible actually highlights its challenge to human nature. The Bible calls people to a way of life that often goes against what is easy or popular, and many struggle to accept that. That does not make the Bible unreliable. It shows how hard it can be for people to live according to a higher standard.

How does it affect you in any way?

It may be altering what the men who lead Christian churches have taught for centuries. It does not alter the core beliefs of Christians and their relationship with Christ.

I wanted to try before I buy. 😂

That is why you ended up with two feral kids 😂

Depends on how you define Christian. If they are baptized and confirmed, they are Christian. They don't have to observe all the rules or go to church all the time. Not sure why it's hypocritical to marry in a church just because you're more of a high days and holidays sort of Christian.

Our church will give a blessing but not a proper wedding service (C of E). Are they Christian as otherwise I would just go elsewhere? I kind of want there to be some recognition for the relationship your friends have but I don't want it to be called marriage as that is IMO between a man and a woman. It isn't the same between same sex couples.

Maybe. Been married 13 years though!

A Great example of this is fasting.

Where I’m from(Christian Orthodox country)fasting means no animal products Wednesdays and Fridays and for longer periods before Easter and Christmas. Some people even do the full fast where they eat nothing and just have water(again , the time period might differ).

Whereas here it’s give up wine/chocolate/crisps for Lent and it’s still seen as a great sacrifice.

Is one right and one wrong? Is one more Christian than other? Are they equal?

Ermmm.. Freudian slip at the end of your sentence?

@Ontheedgeofit Now that is something I can’t answer because I’m an atheist.
It’s a ridiculous concept to me that a god would cast out someone because they had sex before marriage yet lived their life being good and loving thy neighbour.
However, none of the commandments mention that you can’t have sex with your prospective partner before marriage and from what I remember (Although I may be wrong) Jesus didn’t either.

it is true that baptism and confirmation mark someone as a Christian in many traditions. But Christianity is not just about a one-time ceremony or a label; it is about a relationship with God and a commitment to live according to the faith’s teachings.

When someone chooses to have a church wedding, they are publicly affirming their intention to live within the Christian understanding of marriage, which traditionally includes sexual faithfulness and a lifelong commitment. If someone openly disregards those teachings but still wants a church wedding for the aesthetics, tradition, or family expectations, it can come across as hypocritical because they are going through a sacred ceremony without intending to follow what it represents.

It is not about needing to be perfect or attend church every week but about whether someone genuinely wants to live by the faith they are publicly professing during a church wedding. Otherwise, it risks turning something meant to be a sacred covenant before God into little more than a cultural or social event.

Yeah not sure where abortion comes in there though I am happy to have abortions!

Wasn't it common to sleep together and then marry year ago (17th/18th century)?

Without intending to follow what it represents

Isn’t it more that they haven’t followed the “right” path up until that point? Especially if at the heart of it is the commitment, even if other factors are in play.. tradition, family expectations and the other stuff you said.

@onlytwo, you keep talking about marriage as described in scripture but there are multiple forms of marriage described in scripture….which one do you mean ?

They don’t want a second class option - they are in most aspects of life treated as a married couple but they can’t get married in a church. Why is a marriage only between a man and woman?

That is a fair point, and I agree that many people choose a church wedding because they genuinely want to make a commitment, even if they have not perfectly followed Christian teachings beforehand. It is true that everyone makes mistakes, and wanting to start married life on the right foot by committing before God can be a sincere and meaningful step.

The concern is not about people having a past but about whether they truly intend to live according to what a church wedding represents going forward. If the ceremony is just for appearances or to please family, without any intention of taking the vows seriously or trying to live by the faith they are professing, it risks turning something sacred into something superficial.

So yes, coming with a past does not make the commitment invalid, but there needs to be an honest desire to align with what marriage in the Christian faith is meant to represent.

Well I'm fairly sure that you have already decided what you think of it, so I'm not sure why you created this thread. I was very committed to Christianity in my teens. It faded. Occasionally, I went to church and I love singing hymns. I am sad I don't believe in God, and I had sex before marriage. I see zero reason why that makes me less of a Christian, or not entitled to a church wedding, which very much mattered to me. Then again, I guess it's people like you that are a big part of why I'm not a regular church goer.

You are that the Bible describes different cultural practices around marriage, like arranged marriages, levirate marriage, and even polygamy in the Old Testament. But those descriptions are not the same as prescriptions. Just because the Bible records something does not mean it endorses it as God’s ideal.

When Christians talk about marriage as taught in Scripture, they usually mean what Jesus himself affirmed in passages like Matthew 19:4-6: that from the beginning, God designed marriage to be a lifelong, exclusive union between one man and one woman, where the two become “one flesh.” Jesus points back to Genesis 2:24 as the foundation for what marriage is supposed to be.

So while the Bible contains stories of many kinds of marriages reflecting the brokenness of human cultures, the consistent teaching upheld by Jesus and the New Testament is marriage as a covenant between one man and one woman for life.

Oops OP, what about same sex marriage then ?

I’m sorry you felt pushed away from faith but asking honest questions about how Christian teachings are applied today is not the same as judging individual people or saying they are beyond God’s love. I started this thread because I see a real tension between what the Bible teaches about sex and marriage and how many Christians live today, and I wanted to understand how others reconcile that.

Wanting a church wedding is understandable, but a church wedding is not just a cultural event; it is a sacred ceremony before God that publicly declares a commitment to live by the Christian understanding of marriage. That commitment means more than loving hymns or tradition. It is about aligning your life with what the faith teaches, even when it is hard or unpopular.

You are absolutely entitled to your choices, but it does not change what the church has taught for centuries about marriage and sexual ethics. Discussing that honestly is not the problem. Ignoring it or pretending it does not matter is.

From a traditional Christian perspective, marriage is defined as a lifelong, exclusive union between one man and one woman, as taught by Jesus in passages like Matthew 19:4-6 and rooted in Genesis 2:24. This has been the consistent understanding of marriage in the church for nearly two thousand years.

Because of that, traditional Christian teaching does not affirm same-sex marriage as consistent with the biblical definition of marriage. This is not about denying the dignity or worth of people in same-sex relationships but about staying true to what Christians believe is God’s design for marriage.

That said, I know many churches and individual Christians disagree on this today, but if we are talking about what the Bible and historic Christian doctrine have taught, same-sex marriage does not fit within that framework.

I don't see an issue using contraception for example to stop the big families we used to have 🤷 Most Christians do unless you are one of those quiverfull people.