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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Attracted to a married man

135 replies

Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 19:52

I am very attracted to a married man at work, I am married too. We work from home (diff homes!) and talk alot about work over teams but he makes me laugh a lot and makes me feel really nice. In the office he finds every opportunity he can to talk to me, I know he is attracted to me too from his body language and how close he comes towards me. We both have children. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a long time, my husband works late, drinks, is very overweight and makes me feel lonely and sad, he is verbally abusive and dismissive of me. Im sure im not cup of tea either and thats why he is out all the time. Im just his house keeper and look after the kids. Im quite a high achiever at work and think my husband resents me for that, for my age I suppose im still quite attractive. Even now he is out drinking whilst im alone with the kids. I want to continue to talk to this other guy and would like something physical to eventually happen between us, I think about him alot, I haven't been attracted to a man like this for a long time, I don't think I even fancied my husband this much. I want him to pursue me but also feel very bad and sad, we both have young children. Any advice or stories similar stories please.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 04/07/2025 20:16

You’re unhappy in your marriage, is the guy your attracted to unhappy or does he just like a flirt… very different things. It would be very unfair of you to try make anything happen between you both because you are unhappy. You need to leave your marriage get happy then find a single man if that’s what you want. It’s easy to become attracted to people were around when we’re unhappy but there’s also plenty of attractive and available people out there

youreactinglikeafunmum · 04/07/2025 20:16

Why haven't you left your husband girl? Hes the problem!

Completely understand the forbidden attraction, but what would really come of it? Would just be a whole mess, not worth the aggro at all

Best of luck leaving the bastard 💕

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 20:16

if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you.

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/07/2025 20:17

Finteq · 04/07/2025 20:00

If she has an affair with him.

It's not her who has destroyed that family.

The blame lies with him.

She doesn't owe his wife anything.

It's that man who should be considering his marriage and family. And the blames lies entirely with him.

Edited
Show quote history

Nonsense. If you knowingly chase someone in a committed relationship, you have some element of blame too. It's called having morals.

SunflowerLife · 04/07/2025 20:19

Even if he did fancy you it's unlikely he would jeopardise his marriage to be with you. Even if he did, you'd just be a shag to him. Him leaving his wife and kids for you is a stretch of your imagination.

Sunrise8888 · 04/07/2025 20:19

I would agree with people saying you need to get out of your marriage first. Then have a time for yourself only. If you want just to have sex with someone, find somebody outside the work. Don’t risk your reputation at work and don’t fall for it. If it won’t work out, you’ll need to work with that man.
Also, you won’t be able to have any future relationship with the man from work if you ruin his marriage. Everybody from his family will hate you starting his kids, parents, friends etc. I don’t think you would want to be in a situation where your man leaves you for a fling at work. Have a respect for yourself. You can find someone who is nice and will love you without being committed to somebody else. Good luck

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 20:21

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to talk sense to me, it's actually mental I thought this would be a good idea, actually flipping mad, I've lost the plot, need to leave my husband and work out how I navigate that with my kids

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 04/07/2025 20:21

Why do you need a new man to leave the old one?

Show your kids independence - end your marriage and see what happens over time. If you cheat or jump straight into a new relationship, your kids will resent you - and they’ll find out through their dad.

Theres also a good chance that your colleague is happily married and just a cheater. You’ll be left high and dry.

Id recommend ending your marriage, taking 12 months to sort yourself out, with this colleague as a friend only, then see what happens.

SlightlyTooMuch · 04/07/2025 20:21

End your marriage, OP, but put this guy at work out of your head. He’s a distraction from what you should really be thinking about.

AgnesX · 04/07/2025 20:22

Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 19:59

All above replies, everyone is completely right and I would be saying the same thing, I'm just desperately unhappy but is awful to want a married man to cheat, horrendous, just need some sense talking to me, going to limit contact the said guy and stop being such a pathetic cow

Edited

It's at work so just don't.

Don't compound your marital mess with messing up at work. People will be po faced about it and even more so if the whole thing goes pear shaped. Work affairs rarely end well in my experience (not personal experience).

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/07/2025 20:28

Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 19:59

All above replies, everyone is completely right and I would be saying the same thing, I'm just desperately unhappy but is awful to want a married man to cheat, horrendous, just need some sense talking to me, going to limit contact the said guy and stop being such a pathetic cow

Edited

Yes it is, and it’s also awful to cheat as a married woman, even if you do have excuses.

It’s not awful to change your life and leave your husband, it sounds like something you need to work towards. The married man isn’t the one for you, he is taken and even if he did cheat he’d be as shit as your husband. He’s just a sign that you need to make changes to your own life now, and maybe a friend at best.

Elektra1 · 04/07/2025 20:31

Sounds like time to have a real talk with your husband about how unhappy you are, and why, and find out how he feels about your marriage too. People do come back from this. If you can’t, then get divorced. And leave the dating for a while afterwards. Let your kids get used to the new way of life. Definitely do not encourage something to happen with this chap who is someone else’s husband, a father to children. You know nothing about his marriage.

My wife left me for another married woman (a friend of ours), leaving 2 sets of children dealing with their parents’ divorce. Although it was of course my wife who made that decision for us, I still feel the OW was responsible too - she threw herself at the situation in the most overt way and had that not happened, I’m fairly sure we’d still be married. Makes it hard to get on with her in a co-parenting situation, though I do it through gritted teeth. Not a situation I’d wish on anyone.

Exploding your life and someone else’s is not the answer to your problems.

comeandhaveteawithme · 04/07/2025 20:35

I want him to pursue me but also feel very bad and sad, we both have young children.

You should feel bad. Step away from the married man.

Magenta65 · 04/07/2025 20:35

Talking from experience (and no I wasn’t the one who had the affair) his poor wife deserves none of this. If you start an affair or encourage him and he acts on it then yes, he destroyed his marriage, but you are equally to Blame for destroying that home. You know full well he’s not available, no matter what he portrays, and you still want to pursue it. Shame on you, and him for encouraging it. If you’re so unhappy then leave, the same goes for him. Don’t hurt innocent parties because you can’t respect boundaries. Grow some balls and speak up. With your attitude towards marriage and splitting up homes I wouldn’t particularly want to be with you either.

people will say the man’s to blame for his part in hurting his family and your to blame for yours but no, you both play an equal part In splitting up two homes, happy or not. Grow up

fount · 04/07/2025 20:35

Leave your husband if he's that bad, but you would be very unreasonable to try something with this other man while he's still married. Have the self-respect to hold out for a man who's actually available. Regardless of how attractive you find your colleague, it would be disgusting behaviour to pursue him or try to entice him to pursue you while he's married.

OneKhakiFish · 04/07/2025 20:36

You sound so unhappy, find a way to leave your H and concentrate on your children and being a happy little unit, love yourself then maybe think about a relationship . Married man would be only short term, would you want a cheater

Shellyash · 04/07/2025 20:38

Lust.. stop looking elsewhere, try to fix what's broke. Then make a weighted decision but not with some other mums husband. That's grim.

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 20:40

Magenta65 · 04/07/2025 20:35

Talking from experience (and no I wasn’t the one who had the affair) his poor wife deserves none of this. If you start an affair or encourage him and he acts on it then yes, he destroyed his marriage, but you are equally to Blame for destroying that home. You know full well he’s not available, no matter what he portrays, and you still want to pursue it. Shame on you, and him for encouraging it. If you’re so unhappy then leave, the same goes for him. Don’t hurt innocent parties because you can’t respect boundaries. Grow some balls and speak up. With your attitude towards marriage and splitting up homes I wouldn’t particularly want to be with you either.

people will say the man’s to blame for his part in hurting his family and your to blame for yours but no, you both play an equal part In splitting up two homes, happy or not. Grow up

I've been married for 17 years so think that I have anything but a flippant attitude to marriage, I've tried to stick it out, but agree with what you are saying, thank you and good advice

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 04/07/2025 20:42

An affair isn't the answer

Get rid of the nasty husband and start living again

comeandhaveteawithme · 04/07/2025 20:42

If you do anything at all with this married man then, no matter how awful your husband is, no matter how much he ignores you, how badly he treats you, how much he drinks, how much he does or doesn't do around the house etc etc... YOU will always be the villain here. The one that broke up the marriage, the one that broke up the other marriage. The evil witch that stole away someone else's husband and daddy.
If it ever got serious, your step-kids would hate you, co-parenting with his ex-wife would be horrible because she would hate you both, your own children would even resent you, and grow up with the mindset of "mum had an affair and split up the marriage".

All morality aside, all thoughts of other people and their feelings aside - why be the villain for the rest of your life and let your husband be the victim, get away with his behaviour scott free, when you could just leave him for his behaviour and keep some respect and dignity? why do that to yourself?

LittlleMy · 04/07/2025 20:42

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 20:16

if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you.

Unless he is actually unhappy already in his marriage and takes steps to sort that out properly then yes agree if he just goes ahead and cheats on his wife that’s a red flag for you already.

Have to say, you seem to be flying a little close to the flame already especiwith how you say he likes to get physically close to you. Please don’t encourage it and be part of making another woman somewhere unhappy - especially as you know she also has kids!

Notreallyme27 · 04/07/2025 20:42

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ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 20:43

I expect you’re romanticising the idea of this guy at work because you’re so unhappy in your marriage. Extra marital affairs are never a good idea. Stay away from him and focus on yourself. Start getting yourself organised to divorce your husband.

Original poster
Prontehpronto · 04/07/2025 20:43

Shellyash · 04/07/2025 20:38

Lust.. stop looking elsewhere, try to fix what's broke. Then make a weighted decision but not with some other mums husband. That's grim.

The fact that you called her 'some other mums' really resonated with me, I need to keep away from this man and discourage him, sure he will get bored and as everyone else has said focus on next steps to maybe end my marriage

OP posts:
abracadabra1980 · 04/07/2025 20:50

Stop being a selfish cow and think of ALL the children involved, and your husband who you clearly don’t love. Find some balls and leave if you must but LEAVE THE OTHER CHILDREN’s FAMILY UNIT ALONE.

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