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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old boys are a pain in the ass.

110 replies

summerholidaynow · 04/07/2025 16:31

OMG, the attitude. The flat, 'I-don't-give-a-shit' voice. About everything. Can't be assed. Doesn't care. I'm dreading the summer holidays, just seeing him glued to his phone.

To be fair he does a lot of sport, and goes out with friends. But when he's here, it's like he's doing us a massive favour and nothing we do is right.

There are flashes of the old him, and I know he loves us.

This is common, right? They turn back to human at some point?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 05/07/2025 08:06

Our young man was delightful at 14. Our daughter, on the other hand 🤯 😁

(16 years on, she’s the most wonderful woman)

zaxxon · 05/07/2025 08:08

I hear you ... Yesterday I was out in an area with lots of kids playing. All these tiny tots clinging to their mums, talking to them, actually enjoying being with them. I felt so sad that those days are gone. How is it possible that this dynamic gets completely turned around? Nature feels cruel sometimes.

FortyElephants · 05/07/2025 08:09

14 was the WORST age by far. Nearly 17 now and a lot nicer thank god.

NevilleBigBottom · 05/07/2025 08:10

Oh god the flat monotone voice! It's driving me crazy

TwistedWonder · 05/07/2025 08:12

I took my DD on holiday to Greece when he was 14. I might as well gone on my own.

All he wanted to do was sleep, sit in the shade, have pizza or pasta every night and go in the same bar that had a pool table.

He was pretty monosyllabic unless he wanted food or drink.

Hes now 21 and says to me he feels like he wasted that holiday and would love to go back and do it differently

It does get better, slowly, gradually but it does.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2025 08:15

DS2 is 17 - and still has moments, but we would not have tolerated appalling rudeness or very bad behaviour so we haven’t had that. I have removed the phone once or twice and firmly reminded him of the benefits of the parental taxi service which can easily stop.

If we had had door slamming or his room left in a total state, or he’d been taking his older brother’s property when he lived here, for example, we would have taken his bedroom door off. If a teen can’t respect our house or our property then he has no right to privacy. If he can’t use his phone sensibly then he loses it. If he speaks to us like dirt he gets no lifts. Our approach is to (try to) stay calm and impose meaningful consequences.

DS1 is 25 and is long out the other side …

SusiQ18472638 · 05/07/2025 08:15

My 14 year old boy is genuinely lovely. It’s my 12 year girl that has all the attitude!!! 😅

SlightlyTooMuch · 05/07/2025 08:18

Mine is 13.5 and mostly still a delight, but I’m consciously treasuring the sweet bits for when he goes feral…

CeeJay81 · 05/07/2025 08:32

Totally get ya. Mines 16 and has improved
Having a part time job has def helped. Was fed up off being the bank of Mum and him moaning there is nothing to eat etc. He is still rather lazy at home but his attitude is definitely better. If only he'd do the dishes at home like he does at work lol.

Discogirl23 · 05/07/2025 08:34

14 is a vile age! My 18 year old (first born) went into this tunnel of awfulness at 14 but came out the other side about 17-18. At the time I took it all really personally and was tormenting myself that my parenting just wasn’t good enough. Now I have a second 14 year old I am letting her do her thing and have realised that she needs to be a pain in the ass before she’ll get any better. It almost doesn’t matter what I do, the hormones will always win. One more to go after her then hoping it’s all behind me?!

Godspeed! May the odds be ever in your favour 🫶

Discogirl23 · 05/07/2025 08:38

Coffeeandt · 04/07/2025 16:38

I know. I'm prepared for it. Trying to learn as much as I can about teens now as I'm going to have 4 of them (very close in age). I'm trying to find good podcasts and parenting books about teens. It's like going right back to the beginning. Utterly clueless!

Show quote history

Have you listened to the Teen Commandments with Sara Cox and her pal? It’s hilarious and makes you realise you are most definitely not alone in the teenage parenting rollercoaster!

Notwiththebullshizz · 05/07/2025 08:43

I have no suggestions for you because my DD is not quite there yet but my goodness these replies are all very scary sounding 🫣😅. My DD has Autism and can already, at 11 have a very rigid attitude... I can't lie, I'm dreading the teenage years and only hope I make it through somehow. My mum does remind me how difficult I was as a teenager with the attitude and back chat 🤣 so I guess it's a rite of passage

SummerCanDoOne · 05/07/2025 08:44

PepsiForEva · 04/07/2025 21:20

They become human. (Eventually). Promise. I recall at the beginning of year 9 our Head telling us parents 'Trust me... it's crap now but the latter teens is just something we all have to move through'.

My dad was a HT years back and they actually had a separate section of the campus for Year 9s only (note- this was not in the UK and was on a huge school site of multiple acres) because they recognised that 14 and 15 years olds were just grim.

Dear God I wish we had a separate department for ours (with their own student welfare officer that isn't me!)

I've worked in secondary education since 2016 and have a 20yo DD and can honestly say that Year 9 is just a hellscape across the board.

If you've got one that's reasonably pleasant 75% of the time, has ok school attendance/reports and doesn't do anything that is criminal or endangers life and limb...you are winning at parenting!

Original poster
summerholidaynow · 05/07/2025 09:18

The truth is I was a horrendous teen - so bolshy, so reluctant to be parented. I wanted total autonomy and couldn’t bear to be told that wasn’t entirely possible at 14!

DS is similar. He thinks he’s 22

OP posts:
MyCyanReader · 05/07/2025 09:24

summerholidaynow · 04/07/2025 16:31

OMG, the attitude. The flat, 'I-don't-give-a-shit' voice. About everything. Can't be assed. Doesn't care. I'm dreading the summer holidays, just seeing him glued to his phone.

To be fair he does a lot of sport, and goes out with friends. But when he's here, it's like he's doing us a massive favour and nothing we do is right.

There are flashes of the old him, and I know he loves us.

This is common, right? They turn back to human at some point?

My 14 DS has his moments. He won't be glued to his phone as he only gets 2 hours a day and that's it.

If he wants screen time in the evening he has to have done something productive to earn it e.g sports, music practice, cooking etc...

Bad attitude has consequences!

He will sulk about having to do something but ends up enjoying it!

Doone22 · 05/07/2025 10:23

I hate the way people stereotype teens as awful. I know loads of lovely teenagers and sure they all have their moments but so do adults don't they? I don't hold my 15yr old to a higher standard of temper or mood than myself.
Sometimes I snap at him. Sometimes he snaps at me. He always says sorry straight away without being asked to. My husband on the other hand has really shitty moods and never apologises for anything.

LaDamaDeElche · 05/07/2025 11:15

From around 12 to 15 my daughter was like that. Around 15 and a half she grew out of it and is so much better now. Can still be a bit combative from time to time, but on the whole she’s a pleasure to be around. Better to get it over at that age. I read about 18/19+ year olds on MN behaving like that and that would be so much worse. It’s pretty normal at 14, when you’re a young adult definitely not so normal.

KmcK87 · 05/07/2025 11:58

Yeah 17/18 I find is when you start to see light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve blocked a lot of my 20 year olds teenage years from memory because he was just awful but he’s mostly returned to the boy he was before he hit his teenage years. My 14 year old is in the thick of it and a total pita although nowhere near as bad as my eldest was.

Spud90 · 05/07/2025 13:04

summerholidaynow · 05/07/2025 09:18

The truth is I was a horrendous teen - so bolshy, so reluctant to be parented. I wanted total autonomy and couldn’t bear to be told that wasn’t entirely possible at 14!

DS is similar. He thinks he’s 22

Ds1 is 14 now and absolutely lovely 90% of the time but DS2 is 7 and like this already 🥲 I'm dreading his teen years.

FusionChefGeoff · 05/07/2025 13:29

Fangisnotacoward · 04/07/2025 16:36

I watch Kevin the Teenager sketches on YouTube. Makes me realise they were always the same!

Snap!! DS turned 13 last week and is still mostly delightful so we showed him these as a defence (!) mechanism hoping that if he sees that adults mock the grumpy teen he will be less likely to confirm the stereotype?! I’ll come back in 18 months laughing ruefully at my niaevity I’m sure!!

Whatbloodysummer · 05/07/2025 13:57

While you are going through the teenage years just remember, it's just natures way of ensuring we kick them out of the 'nest' ! 😂

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/07/2025 14:04

According to the book Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, the teenage brain is actually retiring during adolescence and it is this that causes them to lose certain abilities during this time - things like impulse and temper control, empathy, not seeing themselves as the sole centre of the universe - he describes it as being akin to temporary brain damage.

But the key word is temporary - once the rewiring settles down, most if not all of these abilities come back.

I went through this particularly with ds3 - his teenage years were very hard work - but it did settle down, in time, and he became the lovely lad he’d always been.

Original poster
summerholidaynow · 05/07/2025 14:06

Doone22 · 05/07/2025 10:23

I hate the way people stereotype teens as awful. I know loads of lovely teenagers and sure they all have their moments but so do adults don't they? I don't hold my 15yr old to a higher standard of temper or mood than myself.
Sometimes I snap at him. Sometimes he snaps at me. He always says sorry straight away without being asked to. My husband on the other hand has really shitty moods and never apologises for anything.

I'm sorry but I think this is unfair. Who's stereotyping? Stereotypes are created by mass, sweeping generalisations of individuals/groups. Everyone here is talking specifically about their own situation. If you don't agree, don't feel you have to comment.

For what it's worth, I've also said he has lovely moments. And he apologies. As do I. As does DH. Not sure what your point is. But I suspect it's a DH issue, in which case you might want to start a different thread.

OP posts:
PrincessHoneysuckle · 05/07/2025 14:11

My ds is 11 but I work with 14 year olds so I feel like im getting a sneak preview of what's to come! Yanbu

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/07/2025 14:13

I used to work in a school. Now, whenever anyone starts moaning about their child I just say 'Year 9?'...and it nearly always is.

And it's very child dependent. I have five, now adults. Two were vile, absolutely obnoxious and feral. We had NO money (I was a single mum, their dad moved to the other end of the country and never paid a penny, so it was tough), so couldn't bribe or use food to help grease the wheels. Two were okayish, mostly, and one was a delight and continues to be. But now they are all absolute fabulous, so being dreadful at 14 doesn't seem to be a marker of anything. But gritted teeth - and can I recommend occasional just 'losing of your utter shit'? Sometimes they really do know that they've gone too far....