To say to my mum that providing childcare is the reason her friend sees her grandchild more

[HookedOnAusten]

Just upfront, I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare for my child and have never asked because I know they don’t want to do it. That’s not the issue here.

My husband and I both work full time, and our 15 month old is in a great nursery he enjoys. That makes weekdays really busy and weekends really precious to us. We try to keep two weekends a month just for our little family. One lowkey at home and one with bigger plans. We see my parents about once a month or every six weeks, but they’d like more frequent visits and often suggest weekly meetups which cuts into our weekends too much or daytime and overnight babysitting, which I’m just not ready for yet. I want to spend my free time with my son, not away from him.

My mum often compares herself to her friend, who cares for her grandson one day a week, with comments like “Bill runs right up to Jane, but Ben is shy with me”, “Jane had Bill overnight again this weekend”, “Jane loves seeing Bill so often”, “I probably see more of Bill than I do of Ben”. When she brought it up again after I explained weekly Sunday lunches don’t work for us, I was a bit grumpy anyway so said, “well she looks after Bill once a week so of course she sees him more.” My mum said she doesn’t have to provide childcare, and I agreed but said it’s not realistic to expect the same level of contact as someone who does. She said that she offers to babysit for us but babysitting offers aren’t the same. I already have to be away from my son for work, and I want to be with him in my free time. Was I unreasonable to say this? I’m just tired of the constant comparisons.

She worked school hours, term time only when we were in school. I have a brother. I don’t think she’s in competition, I think she genuinely wants to spend more time with DS and sees her friend getting what she doesn’t have. Like an inversion of how my best friend had a hamster I wasn’t allowed (but obviously more serious now). She often calls by her friend on the childcare day.

Could a compromise be that she can pick him up from nursery at lunchtime sometimes. Hype him up and have fun, then you join them at hers for tea from work and take him home straight after to wind down and go to bed?

I have refused babysitting because I don’t want it at the moment. That doesn’t mean I’m resistant to them having contact any more than them not wanting to do regular childcare means they don’t want regular contact. We try to see them for at least one full day per month, often overnight. When it goes longer it’s because they’re busy or because of holidays.

You are a full time working parent, you've only really probably got back in the swing with the routine and getting DS settled at nursery. You have very little free time to work with and obviously you prioritise onr on one time with your young son and husband.
2 weeks in a month for your MH and admin/ days out as your immediate family and 2 weeks split with your parents and inlaws is more than reasonable imo.
Your mother is time rich and has made choices ( completely reasonable ones ) that make her unhappy in comparison with a friend who made different ones.
She really has a bit of a nerve to keep complaining about it to you as if you have any more capacity to change things on your end, why should you have to add another plate on a stick to suit her desire of babysitting overnight when it's not helpful to you?

@HookedOnAustenI totally get how you are feeling.

My MIL looks after my kids a lot more than my own parents because she genuinely wants to see them and offers her time to us regularly and also because she’s 10 years younger than my parents so is able to do a lot more with my kids than my own parents.

They always come across jealous of my in laws because they don’t get to see my kids as often but it’s always got to be on their terms which don’t work with me trying to work and spend time as a family. I’ve explained numerous times to them why this is and I still get the guilt trip!

Not unreasonable at all. Of course you want to be with your son and your partner. It's lovely to know your mum is there to provide babysitting should you want it, but right now that is not what you need. I remember my MIL always pushing to see more and more of my first baby and I went out of my way to make it happen when really it was massively inconvenient for me. But I soon realised nothing was enough. At the end of one visit of several days her parting words were "We've hardly had any time with you." 100% not true. Realised there and then, no amount of time would ever be enough for her. Not saying your mum is remotely like that, but don't bend yourself out of shape to accommodate her.

I can’t imagine describing seeing my lovely parents as ‘cutting in to my weekend’. They’re your family. She seems miffed about seeing a grandchild every six weeks - that seems an awfully long time between visits.

I don't think grandparents have an obligation to do structured childcare on their adult child's terms - but equally their adult children don't have an obligation to give grandparents visits solely on their terms. The eternal compromise has to be found somewhere in the middle.

The OP should definitely be protecting her weekends, these years are precious. Grandparents have had their families, now it’s the OP’s turn to enjoy hers.

And why shouldn't OP refuse offers of babysitting? She doesn't want to go out without her DS. She wants to spend time with him. Her parents have regular contact - they just haven't got what one of their friends have. Comparison is the thief of joy.

And you'd really have hated me - I moved to the UK, married my husband and my parents lived in the Netherlands and continued to do so. They saw our kids 3 or 4 times a year. My ILs saw them every other year or so, but for longer due to them living in the US. There isn't a single right way to do grandparenting and nobody is entitled to see their grandchildren at a particular frequency just because other people do.

Yanbu.
Going back to work full-time is a big adjustment.
Your absolute priority is spending precious time together as stress free as possible.
You have not been physically close to your mother for a long time.
You are used to not seeing her a lot, so every month or 6 weeks feels enough for now.

So often new mothers put their needs last and are run ragged with the expectations of others.

OP is not wrong to protect her mental health......no one else will.

Oh and the last thing after a busy week I wanted was to go out.
I usually regretted the babysitter I booked every couple of weeks, simply preferring a glass of wine and the fire!
That was my idea of heaven.

How often do they go on holiday? What's stopping them doing one night a week when they're not on holiday?

Unless they're the type to spontaneously pack a bag and leave the same/next day multiple times a year, surely they'd just tell you when they'd booked a holiday and you'd make alternative arrangements for those dates?

They have one longhaul, a few shorthaul,
and some British ones, but everything is planned in advance so we could work around their holiday plans if they wanted to do childcare. But I don’t want to say that to them in case they just don’t want to and I’m putting them on the spot. I’m fine with them not wanting to do childcare, but it’s the expectation that they can somehow have all the perks of regular childcare, with none of the drawbacks.

That's where I see it very differently. My 'core family' as you call it is my husband and my children, but also my mum. And we wouldn't have it any other way.

I think you just need to be honest with your mum..no one is right or wrong it's just different expectations.

I'm also not a parent who wants to spend the entire weekend with my children, if my mum popped round and played with the kids in a paddling pool so I could sort lunch in quiet that would be bliss to me

I would hate the complaining too OP! Can you offer that she picks up your DS from nursery some time and spends that time with him? Or do some time limited meet ups? Like meet somewhere for breakfast on your way to somewhere else?

I think this is a great idea @HookedOnAusten - if she wants to see him more she needs to eat into your nursery time - and not your time with him outside of work. It’s good he has shorter days at nursery and some variety and then you can collect him your usual time or even a bit later giving you a chance to work a bit longer or chat with work colleagues without rushing to pick up.

You lost me at 'house admin'. Who says things like that or is that some weird middle class thing.

Just to provide a different thought. Is the reason they try and spend as much time as possible on the day that they are allowed to visit is that they are maximising it as they know they won’t get another opportunity for another 4-6 weeks.
perhaps shorter more manageable visits would work for both of you? Have you considered this.
Also do you use FaceTime with mum and Ds? My parents lived in another country and we used it to great effect.

She's the one that said "house admin" or whatever...

These threads make sad reading. Having a baby shouldn't make relationships with GPs transactional and rigid. And a pp just said to foster a relationship with them in case they're needed when you have baby number 2!
I hope you didn't tell your parents you don't consider them 'family', that's very cruel.

OP just ignore the passive aggressive comparisons to her friends and their grandchildren.

My Mum does a similar thing to me, telling me how devoted her friends daughters are to them, how close they are etc, with the not so subtle hint of how horrible I am in comparison.

I just ignore her.

I adored my late Mum but being with her was NOT downtime. I couldn't do what i wanted when i wanted, eat what i wanted, choose what to watch on TV...all that stuff. I went because I loved her so much and she needed me but it wasn't downtime.

I agree with most posts on here OP.

A 4-6 week visit sounds like minimal effort when the other weekends are just noise really and you have two days off each weekend. Half a day at your mum’s a little more frequently or if you invited her to yours, would be more inclusive.

Have you though about it from your child’s perspective where his memories are going to be ‘life admin’ and pottering around the house and garden, while his grandparents are kept away.

It’s a tight little family you are keeping there and no one else allowed. Good luck.

I would say once every 4 to 6 weeks sounds plenty - especially if your working full time. She's comparing things with her friend but really she is seeing OP very regularly. Its about how often we saw our parents.

House admin - a fairly obvious phrase, no ? Just means sorting things out - getting cars serviced, putting in an order for food shopping, sorting out bills, insurance etc.

Of course they're family, just not immediate family, that is perfectly reasonable.