to want to stop talking about infidelity.

OverheardInAWhisper · 04/07/2025 08:26

The closeness is the problem here, not the infidelity. You said it yourself, it’s holding you back. Cut ties apart from those necessary for co-parenting and move on with your life. You can’t ensure that he comes to terms with a 20-year-old event. And tbh, it sounds a bit mad for an ex to be still mentioning daily a 20 year old infidelity when they’re no longer in a relationship with the person.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/07/2025 08:27

Well, it might be better if he could forget about it but clearly he can't, and that was the risk that you took when you cheated on him. I get that it must be annoying to be constantly reminded about what you did, but you can't tell him how to feel about it or demand that he pretends it never happened. You do have the option of distancing yourself from him further if you're finding it too much.

K8ate · 04/07/2025 08:27

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KimberleyClark · 04/07/2025 08:28

You have obviously not regained his trust and he is still hurting. How would you feel if he had cheated on you bur wanted you to forgive and forget?

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 08:30

“couldn’t cope with the thought I’d be unhelpful”

You sound inherently selfish. You need to stop being close and thinking you might get back together. He wouldn't be able to get over your cheating, and constantly worry you’d cheat again, you would most likely get bored and cheat again.

distance yourself and only communicate about your co parenting and children.

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 08:31

How easy it is for the one who cheated to tell their partner to get over it.

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

5128gap · 04/07/2025 08:36

Yes, it would be absolutely lovely if he could move on. I'm sure he'd like that too. But he can't, so that's tough. You have to deal with the situation you have not try to bend other people's emotions to fit the one you want. You have two choices. Accept he needs to do this and shoulder that as the consequences of the hurt you caused, or tell him if he doesn't stop bringing it up your friendship with him will have to end. Tbh I think some distance would be best anyway. If your connection is preventing you both moving on separately, but the cheating is preventing you moving on together, you're both stuck in an unhealthy limbo. The decent thing here would be to move away from him and give him space to heal. Because at the moment, you're an open wound.

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 08:37

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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Well you’ve defo cheated

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:38

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 08:37

Well you’ve defo cheated

Show quote history

Not that it’s any of your business, but no—I haven’t.
I just happen to believe that people make mistakes, and long-term relationships sometimes go through things that aren’t black and white. I can understand how hurt and forgiveness can exist at the same time. That doesn’t mean I’ve done the same.
It’s perfectly possible to have empathy and still hold someone accountable—both things can be true.

spicedapplestew · 04/07/2025 08:39

You've clearly damaged him and hurt him terribly by cheating on him. He sounds a bit stuck in it. Maybe suggest some counselling for him, so he can hopefully work through it and move forward? I wouldn't expect him to come back to you though.

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 08:40

I think if after 20 years he is bringing it up every day you just need to cut contact with him. You made a mistake, it hurt him badly, but if there can't be a line drawn for the friendship/relationship to move on then I would just walk away.

hereismydog · 04/07/2025 08:41

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:38

Not that it’s any of your business, but no—I haven’t.
I just happen to believe that people make mistakes, and long-term relationships sometimes go through things that aren’t black and white. I can understand how hurt and forgiveness can exist at the same time. That doesn’t mean I’ve done the same.
It’s perfectly possible to have empathy and still hold someone accountable—both things can be true.

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If my DP told me he’d ’made a mistake’, I’d expect him to tell me in the next breath that he’d put black socks in a white wash, not that he’d stuck his dick in someone else.

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 08:42

I was the child whose mother cheated. My parents stayed together because in those days, that's what you did. Every day, for the rest of their lives, my father sniped at my Mother for what she had done. It was bloody rotten for us kids (and her too, no doubt) and I used to long for her to leave him.

The other side of this, in my family's case, is that my dad wasn't really very nice to all of us, even before my mum's affair. She never could have left, though due to old fashioned ideas about what people would say, plus finances.

Anyhow, I say to OP make a clean break. Your DH can't forget (which of course is fair enough) but there's only misery for both if you continue to stay together.

Daffodilsarefading · 04/07/2025 08:42

You need to separate permanently.

KimberleyClark · 04/07/2025 08:43

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 08:40

I think if after 20 years he is bringing it up every day you just need to cut contact with him. You made a mistake, it hurt him badly, but if there can't be a line drawn for the friendship/relationship to move on then I would just walk away.

Cheating isn’t a “mistake”.

DysmalRadius · 04/07/2025 08:43

Has he known about it for 20 years and mentioned it every day since, or did he find out about it more recently?

Mama2many73 · 04/07/2025 08:44

My parents stayed together the whole of their adult lives. My DM was controlling, and definitely lacking in emotion. I often felt sad for my DF having to 'put up' with her.

We later found out (40+yrs) that DF had had a one night stand when DM was pregnant with me (3rd of 3 siblings). DF confessed it, DM forgive him and never mentioned it again. They moved on ....but they didn't. DM may never have mentioned it but it was there, it was there in everything they did and said to each other and it 100% affected my relationship with DM from in uetro onwards.

YOU were in the wrong and you can't expect him to forget and move on , that's his perogative and what you did has obviously hit him hard you are therefore BU to expect this. However it is your perogative to deal with this in your way, doing what is right for you and if distancing / co parenting is the way then so be it.

From personal experience though simply never mentioning it again does not mean it it is still not festering just below the surface!

Loopytiles · 04/07/2025 08:47

(Assuming he knew about your infidelity at the time and decided to remain in the relationship)

Agree with @TippledPink You split up over it, but haven’t properly separated and are not friends. Even if you both wanted only friendship most people wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who repeatedly raised past baggage. Low to no contact seems necessary.

PaterPower · 04/07/2025 08:55

I think some of this comes down to when he found out. If it was in 2023 that’s one thing, and you’d understand why he’s still having a hard time with it, particularly as you’re still enmeshed.

If he knew fairly soon after the affair then yeah - it’s a bit unreasonable if you’ve put the work in to the relationship and stayed faithful since.

Either way, you two need space.

BunnyLake · 04/07/2025 08:58

Does a spouse ever get over being cheated on? I’d imagine it’s more a case of the one who has been cheated on has to lock it in a box and try not to think about it, while the cheater just moves on from that ‘old news’.

And OP it’s not his thought of you cheating it’s his knowledge of you cheating.

I would say it’s best for both of you to distance yourselves from each other. Your kids are grown so other than weddings etc you don’t need to be involved in each other’s lives.

Topseyt123 · 04/07/2025 08:59

This is down to your own foolishness. You had the sleazy affair and now you just expect him to forgive and forget as if nothing ever happened.

Unsurprisingly, he can't forget. Either split permanently or understand and accept that this is the hurtful situation that YOU created. This is the risk that YOU took. Now you seem surprised that you are having to face consequences.

HouseholdBudget · 04/07/2025 09:00

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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Entirely agree with this.
I am someone who has been cheated on and stayed married. We separated for a while and got back together. If a cheated on spouse, man or woman, decides to stay, part of that is accepting that it happened, dealing with it and not bringing it up all the time. That is not healthy for either partner, and if you can't do it, you need to accept you can't and end the relationship. Which OP has done, and still he continues to punish her over 2 decades later.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2025 09:00

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/07/2025 08:27

Well, it might be better if he could forget about it but clearly he can't, and that was the risk that you took when you cheated on him. I get that it must be annoying to be constantly reminded about what you did, but you can't tell him how to feel about it or demand that he pretends it never happened. You do have the option of distancing yourself from him further if you're finding it too much.

This.

LotaWyseWomen · 04/07/2025 09:01

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

I totally agree with this and I’m the one, whose dh cheated on a ons.

What happened should never be a life sentence. People can get less than 20 years for murder.

Continuing to punish the other as the wronged party breeds toxicity and pain for both. It creates an insufferable dynamic for which both eventually become equally responsible for perpetuating. Thus buying into the Karpman triangle - perpetrator, victim, rescuer - and creating an unhealthy level of co-dependency.