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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop talking about infidelity.

86 replies

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

OP posts:
simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:10

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 08:42

I was the child whose mother cheated. My parents stayed together because in those days, that's what you did. Every day, for the rest of their lives, my father sniped at my Mother for what she had done. It was bloody rotten for us kids (and her too, no doubt) and I used to long for her to leave him.

The other side of this, in my family's case, is that my dad wasn't really very nice to all of us, even before my mum's affair. She never could have left, though due to old fashioned ideas about what people would say, plus finances.

Anyhow, I say to OP make a clean break. Your DH can't forget (which of course is fair enough) but there's only misery for both if you continue to stay together.

This happened to me only it was my dad. They still live together and constantly snipe

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:10

ShoeeMcfee · 04/07/2025 08:42

I was the child whose mother cheated. My parents stayed together because in those days, that's what you did. Every day, for the rest of their lives, my father sniped at my Mother for what she had done. It was bloody rotten for us kids (and her too, no doubt) and I used to long for her to leave him.

The other side of this, in my family's case, is that my dad wasn't really very nice to all of us, even before my mum's affair. She never could have left, though due to old fashioned ideas about what people would say, plus finances.

Anyhow, I say to OP make a clean break. Your DH can't forget (which of course is fair enough) but there's only misery for both if you continue to stay together.

This happened to me only it was my dad. They still live together and constantly snipe

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 13:13

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

Show quote history

chat gpt is here

fount · 04/07/2025 13:31

Setting all else aside, if he hasn't stopped mentioning it after 20 years, it isn't going to happen. If you don't want to hear it, the answer is to put a little more distance in place (emotional, if not physical distance), which will also make it easier to seek a new relationship, if you want one. Now that your children are older, it should be possible, though old habits are hard to break.

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 15:42

I cannot believe OP is getting such a hard time here.

Why on earth would you want to get back with him OP, unless to flagellate yourself for eternity on the (at this stage vair vair convenient) mountain of his hurt.

I would have one conversation along the lines of “why are you whining to me about your ex- that you since divorced? I don’t want to hear it, and I am not prepared to talk about this to you. Either I am good enough to be in a relationship with, knowing about the infidelity, or I am not good enough to be in a relationship because of it, in which case find someone else to bore on about it.”

I was the one cheated on, and it really demonstrates something is wrong with him, living in the past looking for an excuse to not ever have to look at himself.

My guess is that if the Infidelity Stick got taken off him, there would be some other defect in your character for him to beat you with.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/07/2025 16:00

You don't actually say how long he has known. This makes a massive difference.

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 16:07

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/07/2025 16:00

You don't actually say how long he has known. This makes a massive difference.

Yep and one that a lot of posters are just ignoring in their clamour to have a go at him

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 18:34

"Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago)."

Does the above not clearly state the supposed infidelity was 20 years ago, in the first 4 line of the thread?

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 18:43

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 18:34

"Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago)."

Does the above not clearly state the supposed infidelity was 20 years ago, in the first 4 line of the thread?

Happened 20 years ago, husband found out… not actually clear. To me anyway.

PaterPower · 05/07/2025 09:06

The infidelity was “nearly” 20 years ago, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean the husband was told / found out at the time.

He may have only found out two years ago, (hence the split), or OP may even have decided to get it off her chest after they split.

Knowing for two years (or less) and still pissed off / bringing it up - pretty understandable. Knowing for “nearly” 20 years - not so much.

ZoggyStirdust · 05/07/2025 11:17

PaterPower · 05/07/2025 09:06

The infidelity was “nearly” 20 years ago, fair enough, but that doesn’t mean the husband was told / found out at the time.

He may have only found out two years ago, (hence the split), or OP may even have decided to get it off her chest after they split.

Knowing for two years (or less) and still pissed off / bringing it up - pretty understandable. Knowing for “nearly” 20 years - not so much.

Exactly
now this thread has gone quiet as all the posters jumping on him realise they don’t know this crucial fact, and op hasn’t yet told us.

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