Page 3 | to want to stop talking about infidelity.

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:15

KimberleyClark · 04/07/2025 08:43

Cheating isn’t a “mistake”.

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Well it was if it hurt someone and they regret it! It wasn't an accident was it!

TheignT · 04/07/2025 10:18

I haven't read the full thread but I think I'd tell him I'd have got a shorter sentence for murder and either he moves on by stopping going on about it or by clearing off.

BeachPossum · 04/07/2025 10:19

I think you have to try and put some distance between you. I'm not justifying infidelity but if he's holding on to it twenty years later to the point where he's mentioning it daily even after you've broken up, it's not something he's ever going to move past. I suspect he doesn't want to - likely he feels it gives him back some element of control or power to be able to overtly hold it over your head.

I think in your shoes I would cool things off and only speak as is necessary for issues relating to the children. If he asks why you can explain that for both your sakes you need to move on, and that you're giving him the chance to really leave the affair behind and find happiness with someone new.

3luckystars · 04/07/2025 10:19

Agix · 04/07/2025 09:11

The axe forgets, the tree remembers.

That’s really sad.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 10:19

BeachPossum · 04/07/2025 10:19

I think you have to try and put some distance between you. I'm not justifying infidelity but if he's holding on to it twenty years later to the point where he's mentioning it daily even after you've broken up, it's not something he's ever going to move past. I suspect he doesn't want to - likely he feels it gives him back some element of control or power to be able to overtly hold it over your head.

I think in your shoes I would cool things off and only speak as is necessary for issues relating to the children. If he asks why you can explain that for both your sakes you need to move on, and that you're giving him the chance to really leave the affair behind and find happiness with someone new.

I agree with every word of this

Brenda34 · 04/07/2025 10:21

You both need ro move on.
Do you live in separate homes?

Swiftie1878 · 04/07/2025 10:22

PlainJaneBrain · 04/07/2025 08:23

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

You can’t control what he does and how he thinks.
It’s up to YOU to let go of him and move on.
Start to distance yourself from him. Time to focus on your future, not hanker after a past that no longer exists.

mynannygoat7 · 04/07/2025 10:24

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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Ok chat gpt

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 10:26

Op needs to clarify

it could be he only found out in 2023 and that’s why they split up. Everyone saying he’s been dragging this up for 20 years should wait and see what op says…

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:27

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:15

Well it was if it hurt someone and they regret it! It wasn't an accident was it!

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A mistake is, as someone pointed out, socks in the wrong colour wash.
Putting the remote control by the bathroom sink.

Adultery is a conscious, deliberate series of choices, over weeks or months or years, to traumatise a spouse and indulge in lying, STD risks and gaslighting. Very much not a mistake, but an active choice.

Freeme31 · 04/07/2025 10:31

This is a consequence of your utterly selfish actions it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago your an obvious failure in that you couldn’t keep your legs shut 20 years ago and failure at get forgiveness. Tou obviously think he should be over it - you don’t get to decide when/how he gets over your affair. Your still acting entitled so no growth the re from you ! Have you worked on yourself and your obviously massive ego. What an entitled individual you are being - has this ever occurrd to you it’s not about you it’s about him and his feelings

TippledPink · 04/07/2025 10:37

Freeme31 · 04/07/2025 10:31

This is a consequence of your utterly selfish actions it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago your an obvious failure in that you couldn’t keep your legs shut 20 years ago and failure at get forgiveness. Tou obviously think he should be over it - you don’t get to decide when/how he gets over your affair. Your still acting entitled so no growth the re from you ! Have you worked on yourself and your obviously massive ego. What an entitled individual you are being - has this ever occurrd to you it’s not about you it’s about him and his feelings

Yes so entitled, she should be punished verbally every day for the rest of her life and even in death it should be written on her headstone so everyone knows what a terrible person she is. As someone else said, you get less for murder! At some point a line needs to be drawn or if not, both move on and stop talking to each other.

3luckystars · 04/07/2025 10:43

Honesty why did you have the affair?

I know some people think having an affair is the worst crime on earth but I don’t think it’s the worst, I think other things people do in relationships are equally as bad.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 11:01

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 04/07/2025 10:27

A mistake is, as someone pointed out, socks in the wrong colour wash.
Putting the remote control by the bathroom sink.

Adultery is a conscious, deliberate series of choices, over weeks or months or years, to traumatise a spouse and indulge in lying, STD risks and gaslighting. Very much not a mistake, but an active choice.

Edited

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Oh my GOD, how does this level of semantic pedantry help anyone? How is "mistake" the opposite of "decision" or "choice"? A mistake is something that was wrong or misguided, whether it was intentional or accidental. Are people not allowed to say that they wish they hadn't had an affair?

ZoggyStirdust · 04/07/2025 11:03

Op doesn’t say she regrets it or wishes she hadn’t done it. Only that she wants her ex to stop mentioning it

daisyviolet · 04/07/2025 11:09

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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What in the chatgpt 😂

MyNavyPlayer · 04/07/2025 11:14

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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Ok ChatGPT. Why not post your own opinion?

Longyitudeed · 04/07/2025 11:18

Time to detach.
Its over.
It isn't doing either of you any good to be going over this on a daily basis.

Unhealthy and a bit unhinged.
Time to move on.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:18

Winterdaffodils · 04/07/2025 08:36

YANBU at all. You've been through it, and through it again. It's been nearly 20 years since the infidelity, and you've stayed, you’ve shown remorse, you’ve rebuilt trust (or at least tried to), and you’ve never repeated the mistake. That says a lot.
At some point, he has a choice: either he starts to truly process and move on from this—possibly with help like counselling—or he needs to accept that staying so close to you while still harbouring that resentment is only hurting both of you.
It’s not fair that every day he brings it up, especially after all this time. That’s not healthy for either of you. And if he can’t let it go, then some space might be necessary—not as a punishment, but as a way for you both to move forward with your lives, whatever that looks like.
You’re not asking him to pretend it never happened. You’re asking for peace and progress—after nearly two decades, that’s not unreasonable.
If you're to have any kind of real friendship (or anything else), he needs to deal with his feelings in a constructive way, not keep punishing you indefinitely. You can’t do all the emotional heavy lifting alone.
Stay strong—you sound thoughtful and fair.

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What emotional heavy lifting is OP doing? She doesn't say that she has shown remorse and tried to rebuild trust. Maybe she hasn't done any of those things which is why her ex-DH wanted to split up. It sounds like she just wants him to brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened.

They are separated now. If him bringing up her infidelity annoys her, they can behave like most separated couples do who have grown up kids, i.e. see very little of each other except on special occasions that involve their children.

lighthouseahoy · 04/07/2025 11:19

You need to move on. He isn't going to get over it, he isn't going to forgive you. So he isn't going to be the partner you want going forwards.

You don't have the power to change him- you can only change one of you in this situation, so do. Stop hanging on for something that isn't going to happen

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 11:01

Oh my GOD, how does this level of semantic pedantry help anyone? How is "mistake" the opposite of "decision" or "choice"? A mistake is something that was wrong or misguided, whether it was intentional or accidental. Are people not allowed to say that they wish they hadn't had an affair?

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A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 12:30

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

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Exactly.

One of the reasons I csnt forgive cheating is that it is done in cold blood.

It is not a mistake. It is done consciousnessly and deliberately and requires planning and deception.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/07/2025 12:37

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 11:27

A mistake implies carelessness normally without bad intent that the person affected would be unreasonable not to forgive and forget. Her husband is unable to do this so they both need to end this weird 'close' relationship and separate properly.

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It certainly needs to end. I definitely don't condone cheating. But if someone were to say to me, in the context of an affair, "I made a mistake", I would take it to mean that they recognised that they'd done something stupid *and wrong, not that they were trying to make out that it was akin to knocking over a cup of tea or accidentally backing into a lamppost.

*edited to make it clear that I think that infidelity is wrong as well as unwise

ForGreatFox · 04/07/2025 12:41

I’m not going to say what you did is OK because quite frankly I’ve never cheated and I think it’s an awful act of betrayal on the person you’re meant to love the most. Obviously you were wrong.

In the same breath I’m going to say it’s also unfair on both you and your ex to go round in circles. He is clearly still very hurt and I don’t blame him, but I think it is toxic to talk about something that happened 20 years ago every. single. day. It’s exhausting, and no one wants to be reminded of their past constantly.

Someone needs to end the cycle and I think it’s going to have to be you. You need to break it off, once and for all. He is never going to forgive you.

ranthanbore · 04/07/2025 12:47

Oh dear poor you 🙄