to want to stop talking about infidelity.

[PlainJaneBrain]

Long story short, after 25+ years together (& 2 pretty grown up kids), in 2023 we split as he couldn't cope with the thought I'd been unfaithful (now nearly 20 years ago).

We've remained really close, in fact so much so it gets in the way of either of us really seeing or dating anyone else. I would love the thought of us getting back together, except there literally isn't a day goes by that he doesn't mention my infidelity one way or another, sometimes emotionally, sometimes just in passing or in a matter of fact way. I know he's obviously thinking about it a lot, but it's utterly draining.

AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?

I would never get back with a cheater either. Both of you should have moved in different directions ages ago.

Did he discover the infidelity ~20 years ago at the time of the infidelity or is it something he only found out about more recently?

This is really unhealthy for your ex. Because he is your children's father I think you should encourage him tonseek help to heal, as he is obviously massively stuck, which is miserable for all of you but especially him.

I can imagine it will be hard for him and I would also not be surprised if , should he manage to heal, this involved him putting you behind him and out of his life (at least, his close emotional life).

This is probably what needs to happen and it would probably be better for you (and the children ) as well, but he appears to be the one most in need of help here.

Yeah I think this is why I couldn’t stay if my husband cheated. It would literally never be the same again.

"AIBU to think it's time for him to let go of it and move on for both our sakes?"

I voted YABU because if he's still carefully tending the fire keeping his stew of resentment and misery simmering and bubbling for 20 years, he's never going to get over it. You might as well expect the sun to rise in the west. If you got back together he'd button you into your hair shirt every morning till you're dead of old age. For both your sakes, pull back. If you decide to stay friends then explain once that you don't want to hear it any more because it's achieving nothing. Maybe every time he brings it up, even pointed comments about some celeb infidelity, whatever you're doing just stop. Say nothing just get up immediately and leave your half drunk coffee in the café and go. Put the phone down mid sentence. Spin on your heel, walk back past the duckpond to your car in the carpark get in and drive. Calmly, no talking, no engagement just go, every time. Then he'll either get the message and stop or you can dump him.

You clearly didn’t tackle it correctly at the time, and it was your responsibility to do that. This is why the wound has not healed correctly. How did you go about reconciliation? My bet would be a whole lot of rug sweeping.

The axe forgets, the tree remembers.

"You clearly didn’t tackle it correctly at the time, and it was your responsibility to do that. This is why the wound has not healed correctly. How did you go about reconciliation? My bet would be a whole lot of rug sweeping."

Maybe she made a balls of the healing process or maybe he was just ultra determined to keep ripping the bandage off and chewing at the wound.

Sure you’d be saying that if the sexes were reversed.

if you cheat, the risk is that you fuck up your relationship. You can’t control the other person’s reaction.

Also unless I’ve missed it the OP doesn’t actually say when he found out?

I don't think I'd stay with a cheater if it was at all possible to leave. I wouldn't keep bringing it up to them but it would be in my mind. Twenty years later if he was having a bit of a moan about a damp towel I'd left on the floor I'd be silently screaming in my head "AT LEAST I DIDN'T FUCK SOMEONE ELSE". I'd have to leave for my own sanity.

Wait what... it's the man's fault for not properly dealing with the wife's cheating?

What utter BS. Mumsnet double standard reaches a new high! (low?)

Just split apart properly. You screwed up and hurt him. He can't get over it years later. The damage is done, and can't be put right. The relationship is finished so stop messing about.

Let him go.
You cheated, he can’t get over it. If you were going to work it out you would have done by now. It’s been nearly 20 years, forgive yourself and move on.

You don’t know any of that

did she show remorse, admit it and never see the OM again or did she minimise and refuse to break contact?

Did she rebuild trust or did she refuse to change behaviour at all?

yes it’s a long time ago but you know nothing about how she behaved

"Sure you’d be saying that if the sexes were reversed." Yes.

"if you cheat, the risk is that you fuck up your relationship. You can’t control the other person’s reaction." Agree 100% which is why I voted YABU to the OP's question (at the end of her original post, not the AIBU subject title which is a different question).

"Also unless I’ve missed it the OP doesn’t actually say when he found out?"
Good point, if he has just found out that puts a different cast on it.

There’s a lot that the op hasn’t said. A cynic would say that’s so that she gets more favourable responses…

I don't condone cheating, but it was 20 years ago!

Reduce the contract with him and move on to someone who won't hold the distance past against you.

You decided to cheat.

He's decided he can't forgive you.

And now we have to decide who's in the wrong here?

Would you say this to a female poster who couldn’t get over her husband cheating?

Yes, certainly would say the same if the wronged spouse was a woman, had decided to stay in the relationship and still brought it up frequently decades later and even post break up!

"Would you say this to a female poster who couldn’t get over her husband cheating?"

If I had a female cheated-on friend who stayed close to her cheater ex husband and didn't move on to consider dating somebody else, or being properly single herself but who stewed and fretted about the infidelity every time she met up with him I'd say for god's sake just leave properly. If I was friends with him instead yes I'd say for god's just leave, or at least walk off every time she brings it up. If you harrow a field every day the grass can't grow.

We don’t know when he found out
we don’t know how she behaved

Why not divorce and both enjoy life? This perpetual misery and trauma (on his part) isn't serving either of you.

If you have been tolerating his constant mentioning of it for so long then i think on some level you feel you deserve it and he is holding some power over you. I think after 20 years he needs to stop mentioning it, if he still hurts from it that's fair enough, you can't tell him how to feel. But you can stop listening to him put you down constantly over it. I'm presuming you have apologised 1000 times already. Yes, you were in the wrong but a 20 year punishment is also wrong.

Yabu. You cheated so you don't get to say when he's done talking about it or when he needs to be over it. However you can decide when you are done talking about it, only way to do this is stop being close with your ex.

Just let him go. Maybe he’s too pathetic to move on from you, but you well know you have him in your grasp and after 20+ years it’s just cruelty to take advantage.