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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bury him under the patio

80 replies

Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 07:30

I'm not actually going to bury DH under the patio (or maybe I will depending on poll results) but I'm tempted.
I can not cope with another night of broken sleep. He snores so loudly. You can hear him anywhere in the house. The kids hear him and I'm surprised that neighbours don't complain. We're semi detached so they must hear, even though our bed is as far away from connecting wall as possible.
I have to be fair. He's tried different snoring aids but they don't work. Sleep clinic have said it's sleep apnea and given him one of those machines but even that doesn't work properly ( he always removes it at some point in the night although he claims he doesn't remember doing so). So he will still wake me up at some point.
No family I can stay with and even booking in to a B&B won't work because we have a DS with additional needs and DH leaves early for work.
His work is so flexible. People actually do phone up in the morning and say they're taking holiday. Last night I asked if he would go in a bit later if I was awake in the night, not the whole day just an hour and a half so he could take DS to school and I could sleep a bit.
Last night he said I'll see, this morning it was no.
I can't sleep after I take DS to school as he's only there 90 minutes.
I'm so fed up. I feel ill all the time because I don't sleep properly. Even when DH gets home I can't nap as he struggles with DS on his own.
So I don't know. Perhaps I should bury him under the patio or is that unreasonable.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 04/07/2025 07:35

While your DH is trying to solve the problem, I do think it’s within reason for him to support you a bit more to catch up on sleep when he isn’t there snoring. It’s pretty inconsiderate for him just to refuse what is on the face of your description quite a small thing for him to accommodate.

Do you have a shed or a campervan one of you could sleep in? Not even joking. Snoring is the worst. I’m guilty more than my H is 😬

Billybagpuss · 04/07/2025 07:36

Is he a healthy weight and does he drink?

DH used to keep me awake a lot, I used the poking him or cuddling to keep him on his side option. Both work.

last year he got obsessed with Zoe gut health stuff, he didn’t drink much anyway but cut that down too. It has made a huge difference.

Also agree with pp that he should support you to allow you to catch up a bit in the morning.

but no yanbu tbh your ds couldn’t cope with you going to prison so sleeping downstairs on the sofa or spare room is probably a better legal option.

crumblingschools · 04/07/2025 07:38

Do you have anywhere in the house either of you can decamp to, sofa bed, spare bedroom?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 07:40

Does he stop if he rolls onto his side? I’d wake him up and ask him to move. I used to do that with my DH and he never remembered in the morning. He doesn’t seem to snore so much these days.

Dogladycrazy · 04/07/2025 07:41

I sympathise! The thing that worked for us was Snorban which is one of those mouth guards that keep his jaw aligned and stops it flopping back when muscles relax, which is what causes the noise. Also white noise ear buds for you, or a sleeping pillow speaker? And a bigger bed if possible! They also say for them to have less alcohol and to lose weight if overweight. Can you go to bed slightly earlier than him so you get an hour of unbroken sleep then? And then he tiptoes in? I think he needs encouraging to see that it’s having a huge impact on you and your health, and for him to do what he can to help. Good luck! Xx

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2025 07:47

He needs a check up for sleep apnea. He needs to do everything he can, lose weight, good diet, nose clips etc while it's going on. A lot of men seem to think that it's a normal thing, but it isn't.

AbzMoz · 04/07/2025 07:50

You need sleep. DH needs to learn how to cope with DS on his own as part of you getting it, and just overall.

mtld · 04/07/2025 07:51

You’ll still hear him snoring from under the patio

CherryYellowCouch · 04/07/2025 07:52

Separate bedrooms?

TheAutumnCrow · 04/07/2025 07:55

CherryYellowCouch · 04/07/2025 07:52

Separate bedrooms?

It travels throughout the house. The kids hear it.

Bloody grim.

NoviceScoutMum · 04/07/2025 07:57

Happy to provide an alibi if you need one @Sadmummy3

Does your husband recognise he's causing a problem, albeit unintentionally?
My husband was the same. For years (literally our entire 15 year relationship) I've been telling him he has sleep apnoea, needs to get a sleep clinic referral etc. and he's done nothing about it. Until he developed an eye problem, which the ophthalmologist told him was linked to sleep apnoea and referred him. He's had a cpap machine for 6 months and although we're still sleeping separately, I would actually consider sharing a bed again 🤣

Do you have a spare room, or a room you can make into a spare? It won't solve the problem but it certainly made me feel less stabby not being able to feel the whole fucking bed rumble!
Is your husband doing anything about the fact he's not getting on with the mask?
Does he have associated conditions - obesity etc and is he doing anything about this? To be honest, my husband has lost 5 stone since he was officially diagnosed (we both have, but I don't snore!!), and when we've done overnights in hotels recently, he's barely snored so I think that's been a lot of the problem.

Tiredandtiredagain · 04/07/2025 07:58

I’ll provide an alibi!

ThePoetsWife · 04/07/2025 08:00

This is not sustainable - your health is being impacted and long term effects of chronic lack of sleep are very worrying.

the least damaging option is to book yourself in a hotel - it’s the only way he will learn to handle DC and make him realise he has to do more to solve his snoring.

Clockface222 · 04/07/2025 08:00

He really needs to get the sleep apnoa addressed, it is dangerous if not and will even invalidate his driving licence. Has he been back to the sleep clinic to try another mask? My DH had 60 episodes an hour before he was treated and is now down to 1. It took him a few goes with different masks until he found one which suited.

PlipPlapPlop · 04/07/2025 08:02

I’ve moved into the spare room because of this! I keep telling him to get checked for sleep apnoea but he won’t, so frustrating.

Gloriia · 04/07/2025 08:02

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2025 07:47

He needs a check up for sleep apnea. He needs to do everything he can, lose weight, good diet, nose clips etc while it's going on. A lot of men seem to think that it's a normal thing, but it isn't.

She says in her op he has a machine for apnoea but removes it.

Sleep buds op, not plugs which are useless but ones that connect to an app to drown out noise. I use soundcore a20 and have stopped wanting to kill my snoring dh in the middle of the night so worth a try.

Gingerbreadloony · 04/07/2025 08:05

If the cpap isn’t working he needs to go back to the clinic and have the pressure and other settings checked. Also worth trying different types of masks to find the most comfortable/least intrusive option. My husband snored so bad neither of us slept for years (literally). Since getting the cpap he rarely snores and on the occasion it’s for a few seconds.

Strawberries86 · 04/07/2025 08:06

Why is accepted that he struggles caring for your son alone? He sounds like an inconsiderate useless lump. I advocate a little bit of losing your shit. Things need to change and until you make him, he’s quite happy taking all the sleep and not pulling his weight.

KPPlumbing · 04/07/2025 08:08

I wouldn't put up with this. I know your DH is trying to sort it, but I'd be insisting he sleeps in the car or something at this point! There's no way I'd have my sleep hijacked, other than by a baby or puppy!
If you don't have a spare room, can you get a single axle caravan to park on the driveway? I'm not joking.

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/07/2025 08:09

I've got a fork and a shovel OP. Let me know if you need help with the digging 😉

Francestein · 04/07/2025 08:10

Do what I did:-
Print out the United Nations policy about sleep deprivation as a form of torture.
Record his volume in decibels and find an equivalent:- My DH was the same volume as a sound-proofed Baptist Church fined for breaching council noise ordinances when having mid-week Christian Rock bands performing at their services. (My favourite).
Get marriage counselling when your DH decides that a cpap machine will make him feel unsexy - point out all the above and that you haven’t had a full night’s sleep in 17 years as aparrently me sleeping on the couch ALSO doesn’t make him feel sexy.

Print out a Sleep Divorce Contract and start looking for a house with another bedroom or a separate home for myself.
Then the thing that makes the biggest difference;
Make sure all the family and friends know all of these things.

As above, if the cpap isn’t working, it’s probably an ill-fitting mask. He needs a different one. Also they need replacing at frequent intervals.

Oceangrey · 04/07/2025 08:14

I have Ozlo sleepbuds which have helped to block it out. Expensive but worth it for me. You can return them within a month if they don't help.

Flyswats · 04/07/2025 08:34

He may need to lose weight a bit - 10 lbs should fix it.
But I would invest in the following

wax ear plugs
noise cancelling ear phones

and wear both when you go to sleep

or get a separate bedroom

Huskymom · 04/07/2025 08:36

I feel your pain! Get yourself some bio ears ear plugs, game changer for me

NoKnit · 04/07/2025 08:38

Ear plugs game changer for me too I feel your pain. Worse if he's had wine like he did last night.

I'm convinced being overweight not helping him