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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To bury him under the patio

80 replies

Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 07:30

I'm not actually going to bury DH under the patio (or maybe I will depending on poll results) but I'm tempted.
I can not cope with another night of broken sleep. He snores so loudly. You can hear him anywhere in the house. The kids hear him and I'm surprised that neighbours don't complain. We're semi detached so they must hear, even though our bed is as far away from connecting wall as possible.
I have to be fair. He's tried different snoring aids but they don't work. Sleep clinic have said it's sleep apnea and given him one of those machines but even that doesn't work properly ( he always removes it at some point in the night although he claims he doesn't remember doing so). So he will still wake me up at some point.
No family I can stay with and even booking in to a B&B won't work because we have a DS with additional needs and DH leaves early for work.
His work is so flexible. People actually do phone up in the morning and say they're taking holiday. Last night I asked if he would go in a bit later if I was awake in the night, not the whole day just an hour and a half so he could take DS to school and I could sleep a bit.
Last night he said I'll see, this morning it was no.
I can't sleep after I take DS to school as he's only there 90 minutes.
I'm so fed up. I feel ill all the time because I don't sleep properly. Even when DH gets home I can't nap as he struggles with DS on his own.
So I don't know. Perhaps I should bury him under the patio or is that unreasonable.

OP posts:
Confusedorabused · 04/07/2025 13:47

OP the poll is in your favour, do you need to borrow a shovel?
In all honesty, invest in earplugs, try different types. Get him back to the sleep clinic as well, it sounds like he needs ti use the machine you referred to, and not take it off!

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/07/2025 14:10

If CPAP is not working, his mask doesn't fit properly/is the wrong sort of mask for him, he needs to go back to the sleep clinic and get that sorted.

I've just changed my mask from a full face (over the nose and mouth) to a 'over the mouth but up under the nose' job and by using a cover over the lower half but pulling it back over the nose part, so teh silicone only touches my nose, I have got rid of the 'face hugger' sensation that was causing me to rip it off in the night and the 'its slipping off' sensation that the full cover was causing.

Point is, you DO have to play around with these things - I have also started taping my mouth shut (single vertical strip, more a reminder to keep it shut than physically stopping air going in my mouth) which has helped massively.

Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 16:02

SunShow · 04/07/2025 10:54

Obviously I'm suffering from SOH failure, but I don't find joking about DV funny.

FFS it's not like I'm actually going to do it. If you're so offended you don't have to read the post.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 04/07/2025 16:39

I like the tent idea. Put him in it without a sleeping mat. He should be so uncomfortable he’ll do anything to sort out his snoring.

Tiredandtiredagain · 04/07/2025 16:40

Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 16:02

FFS it's not like I'm actually going to do it. If you're so offended you don't have to read the post.

Why are you not going to do it? I offered you an alibi!

Allseeingallknowing · 04/07/2025 16:53

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2025 07:47

He needs a check up for sleep apnea. He needs to do everything he can, lose weight, good diet, nose clips etc while it's going on. A lot of men seem to think that it's a normal thing, but it isn't.

He’s already been diagnosed with with sleep apnoea! He has a cpap machine.
OP- apparently you have to tell the dvla, especially since the cpap machine doesn’t work.

Ophy83 · 04/07/2025 17:16

Try a musicozy silk sleep mask from Amazon.

It has dramatically improved my sleep quality.

I put a podcast on a sleep timer, and it doesn't matter how horrendous dh's snoring gets, I'm asleep within 15 minutes. If I wake in the night I just put the podcast back on. (My preference is for something lighthearted like Off Menu rather than anything too deep)

Plushytime · 04/07/2025 17:23

Buy him a tent and tell him he can sleep out in the garden.

80smonster · 04/07/2025 17:38

He needs booking in for an operation. I’d pay privately as divorce is also abhorrently expensive. Poor OP. Sleep is my self care love language.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/07/2025 17:46

He'll probably die soon anyway. Sorry to be so blunt but sleep apnoea is serious.
I know several people who have died from it. Heart attacks and strokes. I have it and my blood pressure was 230/150 at one stage.
I lost 5 stone and it's much better but I was also given a sleep apnoea. Machine.
Nhs ones are rubbish. You need to buy a top of the range machine.
If you have uncontrolled sleep apnoea they can refuse to do surgery he may need in the future such as hip reactants or whatever
He needs to take this very seriously. It almost killed me.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/07/2025 18:10

Britneyfan · 04/07/2025 08:42

I really wish people would stop saying this! The burying under the patio thing. I do get that it’s dark humour and not literally intended but having been the victim of domestic abuse and genuinely frightened that my (now ex) husband would murder me at some point I hate this being said even in jest. And feel like people would feel very differently about this being said even in jest if it was men saying it about their wives.

Being offended by everything you read on the internet isn’t trendy anymore

notatinydancer · 04/07/2025 18:45

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2025 07:47

He needs a check up for sleep apnea. He needs to do everything he can, lose weight, good diet, nose clips etc while it's going on. A lot of men seem to think that it's a normal thing, but it isn't.

He’s been diagnosed he’s got a CPAP machine. He takes it off.

Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 20:11

Tiredandtiredagain · 04/07/2025 16:40

Why are you not going to do it? I offered you an alibi!

Wish there was a laughing emoji. I'll keep your offer in mind.

OP posts:
Sadmummy3 · 04/07/2025 20:13

Thank you for all the suggestions people have made. I'll get DH to get back in touch with the clinic and in the meantime try some suggestions on here

OP posts:
ThatAgileLimeCat · 04/07/2025 20:18

I finally broke and told mine he has two choices....he either does everything possible to help stop the snoring, or he or I have to get a second job so we can buy a bigger house, as I would not be sharing a bed with him anymore.
He now uses mouth guard and a nose thing and has lost nearly 2 stone. If he's got sleep apnea though he really needs to go back to the clinic.

harriethoyle · 04/07/2025 20:24

SunShow · 04/07/2025 10:54

Obviously I'm suffering from SOH failure, but I don't find joking about DV funny.

You REALLY are. Try unclenching - or scrolling past, if your arms can reach from your high horse 🙄

amicisimma · 04/07/2025 20:26

I feel your pain. I spent a fortune trying every possible earplug, including all the ones highly recommended on Mumsnet. Two things did actually work:

  1. Sleepphones with white noise playing. I use some of those pink and yellow soft earplugs as well so I don't have to have the white noise too loud. The headband can get a bit warm, but it's worth it for the sleep.

  2. Happy Ears. There is quite a knack to getting these in right. They come in three sizes and it's worth getting the triple pack to try all the sizes. Then they have to be slid right in down the tragus. Once they're in correctly I can't feel them, but sometimes it takes quite a few attempts to get them right. The reviews suggest that quite a lot of people give up. I did, but then gave them one more try and they just seemed to go in right.
    Just occasionally the snoring gets through (maybe he's particularly loud, or I'm particularly sensitive some nights), but I find stuffing some soft ear plugs in on top sorts that, even if they fall out eventually.

Hols2024 · 04/07/2025 20:29

White noise or a fan and wax ear plugs help with my dh snoring. I hope the clinic helps too!

YellowRoom · 04/07/2025 20:33

It gets worse, he won't get the help he needs to help with snoring, is incapable of looking after his own child and if you go to bed early he won't let you sleep and pesters you for sex.

AppropriateAdult · 04/07/2025 20:39

Nasal strips have made a massive difference to my husband’s snoring, OP - he uses the Breathe Right ones from Boots, and won’t go anywhere without them now.

Deafnotdumb · 04/07/2025 20:45

He's being really selfish, especially as you are the carer to a disabled son. If your health breaks through a lack of sleep, what will he do then?

He goes back to the sleep clinic and sorts out the problem or its separate rooms/houses.

Also - meant kindly - but as your DS gets older, bigger and stronger you will need DH to step up. He might as well, now. Trying to parent a disabled teen that is bigger than you and capable of lashing out in frustration is no joke.

gamerchick · 04/07/2025 20:47

Does he know he's risking his driving licence? Heart attacks and strokes by not wearing that machine?

NC28 · 04/07/2025 20:50

Mandy Jordache, that you?

Get him planted under that patio. PTB, if you will.

CatsRuleMyLife · 04/07/2025 21:06

mtld · 04/07/2025 07:51

You’ll still hear him snoring from under the patio

Not if she buries him deeply enough...

OP, how deep do you reckon you could dig the patio and do you have someone who can help fill the hole in so it's properly level? Make it look good and nobody will suspect. 😁

(I feel your pain, my DP snores loudly enough to wake the dead, but no room for a patio here)

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 04/07/2025 21:17

DP has sleep apnoea, DS and I are both autistic, DS being quite high needs and rarely sleeps through the night, and we briefly tried a stint at living together which did not work because of his snoring. He also has a CPAP, worth trying different sorts of masks and fittings to see which is comfortable, but even with the CPAP DP could still snore so loud it could be picked up on the richter scale.

He saw 2 ENTs, the first said he had a mild deviated septum, not worth operating on, gave him some flonase spray to try and reduce inflammation.

That didn't work, so he went back and the 2nd ENT said he did have a mildly deviated septum, but enlarged turbinates and adenoids and needed surgery on all 3.

The waiting list was long, but he finally had the surgery this year, and still has a mild snore, but it is within a normal range, and the resumption of the CPAP has now made a world of difference.

We still live completely separately which is understandably and presumably not an option for you.

However, for a long time DP did not understand how his inaction on seeking a diagnosis or resolution was negatively impacting our relationship and that inaction almost caused the end of us, because not only is sleep deprivation torture, it's an utter lack of respect towards the caring responsibilities I have for my child (also on a part time schedule at school), which impacts my ability to cope, function, and support DS with any therapies or catch up academics we can do at home. It was a clear case of it's me and DS vs. Him and only he had the power to change that to me and DS AND him.

You need to consider whether you're willing to let this be the rest of your life. You can't change your caring responsibilities but you can accept that if someone is not willing to be part of the solution then they are part of the problem and you can choose to endure it or let them go.