To stop flying because I’m scared?

[Hertsmum78]

Would really appreciate some perspective on this.

I’ve been awake all night, as I often am before going on holiday. This morning I’m flying to south of France for a holiday with friends and just do not want to get on the plane. I’ve never loved flying but was okay until a few years ago when a bad experience with turbulence set me back. I have flown lots of times since then but hated it, and it always causes me huge stress.

I logically know all the reassuring stats and I’ve had lots of therapy (not for this specifically, just generally).

I will get on the flight this morning because I can’t face the embarrassment with friends but I am already planning to come home by train and am increasingly beginning to wonder whether flying is worth it for me unless I can get past this. It basically ruins every holiday to a greater or lesser extent.

my husband and kids all love flying and we’ve been on lots of good holidays, including long haul. Would it be so terrible for us to all go to closer locations for a few years so I don’t have to be so utterly miserable.

I am generally a high functioning and competent person and this is my one area of weakness. I hate that I can’t seem to get past it.

all thoughts welcome, both from those who stopped flying and those who pushed on through!

I went through a stage of something similar. Once we were in the air it was ok, but takeoffs had me white knuckling the arm rests. This was a major issue as I flew a lot. I saw a doctor, told him how many flights I had to take in the next 12 months and he gave me a Valium prescription. It worked a treat. I don’t love taking off now, but I can get through them by just closing my eyes and listening to some music (quite loudly).

I also like to keep an eye in the crew. I figure if they’re relaxed, then I should be.

I found Christopher Paul Jones on YouTube helpful. I went through something similar, but tried some of his techniques, and they really helped. Might be worth a try!

I am typing this post from a flight that’s in the air right now - I think I am somewhere over Hungary. You will be fine OP, you can do this! We have had a teeny bit of mild turbulence but it was over and done with in 5 mins.

I’m similar - bizarrely used to be an extremely relaxed traveller until one day I was on a flight alone for work and couldn’t stop panicking, and then suddenly an enormous fear developed. Like you it was to the point where I was once with colleagues about to fly to the US and the only thing that got me on the flight was fear I’d lose my job if I didn’t (and I got on, and I was fine).

i now try and do a few things which have helped me a lot.

• tell the air stewards when I get on the flight. 99% of the time they say something kind or reassuring and on my last flight they came over and told me they expected some turbulence at the start and not to worry. It helped me get through the bumps without worrying something else was going on.
• headphones / lavender oil / shutting my eyes and box breathing on takeoff - the smell / noise / focused breaths just take me out of the situation
• I also just take it one step at a time. So first step is getting to the airport. Then security. Then walking into the plane, then sitting down etc. helps me deal with the minute in front of me.
• mixed reviews on this advice but I also just have a glass of wine before getting on just to calm the anxiety a bit.
• i realised a lot of my fear was about control, so I imagine myself sat in the cockpit. Would I be as scared in there seeing what was going on? Probably not.

a lovely Ryanair hostess told me to imagine turbulence like bubbles in a glass of lemonade attacking an ice cube too, which really helped me. Might pop and fizz but doesn’t sink the cube.

i know all this might sound like a sticking plaster but I’ve found these things to help. When I was a bit younger I used to fly back and forth to a city an hour away every other weekend I and because I didn’t care I wasn’t paying attention to each noise or motion. Remember you’re hyper tuned into everything .

finally just look on flight radar and see how many flights are in motion at any point during the day.

Thanks everyone and @Anxiety17 I already do a lot of it and it helps to some extent - always tell the crew and they are very helpful.

The issue isn't so much the flight itself (which I can cope with if it's short, however bad I find it), it's the build up, e.g. sleepless nights and stress beforehand often meaning that I arrive on holiday in a state of complete anxiety and exhaustion.

I just start to wonder whether it's all worth it, for the sake of a holiday, when I've already travelled quite extensively and can get to plenty of lovely destinations by train...

I hear you okay, I backpacked so flew lots alone in a 12 month period, as time has gone on I like it less and become more worried/nervous

DH bought me some noise cancelling headphones, with the music on they def help as I can't hear a lot of the plane noises (if I take them off to go to the loo I realise how noisey it is). I have wine too !

I keep meaning to book in one of those fear of flying courses.

Get some noise cancelling headphones at the airport, I have the big ones, not ear pods.

Have you tried Kalms? They sell them in Boots so might have at the airport

It’s fine to not go, it’s not fine to restrict your family to train destinations because you are anxious.

my husband and kids all love flying and we’ve been on lots of good holidays, including long haul. Would it be so terrible for us to all go to closer locations for a few years so I don’t have to be so utterly miserable.

It's fine you want to limit where you travel to but, based on your first post (relevant part above), it sounds like you also want to limit where your husband and kids travel. That is problematic - can there be a compromise?

Yes of course to both PPs - I would never prevent my husband and children from going to more exciting destinations without me. I just meant for any trips I was on too. But even typing that makes me feel a bit sad. So I guess that's my answer and I probably can't stop flying...

Well you may not have to get on that plane after all. There is a mega strike in France by the air traffic controllers which started yesterday. Half of flights going to Paris and Nice have been canceled by Ryanair.
Check your airline. If it were me I would cancel, but personally after years of experience with French air union strikes I will never set foot again in a French airport .

Loads of people never fly for various reasons, it isn't compulsory!

OP aren’t French traffic control on strike?

I have the very same issues and was having CBT for health anxiety which was amazing for me and it’s somehow stopped the flight fear, so you could explore some therapy as well, you don’t need to feel this way, and sounds like you may benefit. As well as the wine and headphones I imagine the plane is in a lump of jelly and someone is shaking the jelly.. so you can’t get hurt, I’m my head I’m just in wobbly orange jelly!

My flight not cancelled at the moment.

I know that flying isn't compulsory and I get it if people aren't doing it for ecological reasons or cost or whatever, but not doing it through fear feels cowardly and like I'm narrowing my world. On the other hand, my world isn't feeling so great right now...

@Hertsmum78I feel absolutely the same as you and actually have made that decision not to fly any more.

I came to flying late, my first ever flight was aged 27 (now 36) and despite never really having a bad experience I'm completely terrified of taking off. I've lost count of the number of strangers whose hands I've held, and cabin crew staff I've begged to get off the plane before take off.

It makes no difference whether I fly alone or with someone, whether I take medication or not, I just can't bear it.

The final straw for me was in April when I took DD13 to Spain as our first abroad holiday in 6 years. I was in floods of tears just taxiing to the runway, and by the time we were lifting off I was having a complete panic attack, sobbing, shaking and hyperventilating. My daughter is a super confident flyer but I will never ever put her through dealing with that again, its not fair so my flying days are done.

Solidarity OP, so many people just don't understand

For what it is worth, my OH (retired ex-pilot with major European airline) said that turbulence is the equivalent over driving your car over a bumpy road, which makes sense.
Have a lovely holiday!

Re the comments about the French ATC situation it's not a complete shutdown but French authorities have reduced flight numbers into/out of the major airports

Some airlines cope with that by cancelling, others press on as best they can but there will almost certainly be delays.

Hope it works out OK for the OP.

@Hertsmum78@@Littlebitpsycho I am with both of you. My flight phobia is debilitating for me in the week leading up and during. So it would ruin a holiday. I used to do lots of short haul in my 20s and hated it. But it was building up to my first long haul that made me feel utterly bonkers. Tried all the standard relaxation techniques. Hypnosis etc. Was prescribed tablets from GP. Ended up not doing it. Have since tried short haul and the physical symptoms of anxiety were just too much. I decided it wasn't worth putting myself through it anymore. I'm in my 40s now and it has been restrictive for my family, but we work around it. I have met them in France on the train. We have done lots of domestic holidays. I understand some people may find it selfish but I really just can't do it!

People that don't have this problem can't understand the impact it has on a life. I have had a flying phobia for most of my life. I've spent thousands on different types of therapy and nothing has ever really worked.

Ironically, I used to work overseas and had to fly 4 or 5 times a year. And I was terrified every time. The fear is so bad that the adrenaline overrides anything I can take (pills) for it. I've been hysterical with fear while on the plane and extended turbulence actually feels dangerous to my health, my heart rate is so raised.

However, I would really like to be able to fly now and feel BIG FOMO for my childrens sakes but don't know what to do to be able to deal with it.

If I forced myself to fly, the holiday would be joyless, because I'd be worried about the flight for the whole holiday. So I really feel for you this morning.

You could just not fly. It's so bad for the environment.
Not being flippant - I haven't flown for 6 years.

This.

DSis did this for 14+ years and her DH is, frankly, sick of it now. She’s finally admitted she needs to get over it, her DS 16 and going on just his 3rd foreign holiday this year.

But saying 'get over it' implies there is a way to get over it. If there was a way, I'd have done it. I'd happily throw tens of thousands of pounds (and have done already) to be able to get over it.

I was the same and I did a full-day fear of flying course which included a 1-hour flight. It was with Virgin, not sure if they still run them. It really helped! I still don’t LOVE flying but I’m not anxious for days in the run-up like I used to be.

@Slightyamusedandsillysimilar to me. Some people don't get it because they haven't experienced it. I'm full of admiration for those who have been able to get over it but not everyone can.