To stop flying because I’m scared?

[Hertsmum78]

Would really appreciate some perspective on this.

I’ve been awake all night, as I often am before going on holiday. This morning I’m flying to south of France for a holiday with friends and just do not want to get on the plane. I’ve never loved flying but was okay until a few years ago when a bad experience with turbulence set me back. I have flown lots of times since then but hated it, and it always causes me huge stress.

I logically know all the reassuring stats and I’ve had lots of therapy (not for this specifically, just generally).

I will get on the flight this morning because I can’t face the embarrassment with friends but I am already planning to come home by train and am increasingly beginning to wonder whether flying is worth it for me unless I can get past this. It basically ruins every holiday to a greater or lesser extent.

my husband and kids all love flying and we’ve been on lots of good holidays, including long haul. Would it be so terrible for us to all go to closer locations for a few years so I don’t have to be so utterly miserable.

I am generally a high functioning and competent person and this is my one area of weakness. I hate that I can’t seem to get past it.

all thoughts welcome, both from those who stopped flying and those who pushed on through!

I'm the same OP and fly loads, w've done 2 long haul this year and another to go, plus shorter 4 hour ish ones.
Headphones ( over ear with ear plugs in), down load movies and music on laptop/pad etc, something in my hand to rub/crush, lavender wrist roll on thing, snacks, speak to cabin crew etc.
I buy a bottle of water airside and take a clear tumbler, as soon as the captain gives the all clear I half fill my glass, put it on the table and if there is any turbulence I watch the water and the cabin crew. 9 times out of 10 the water in the tumbler is barely moving yet in the turbulence it feels like we are being shaken like salt!

@Hertsmum78please please try not to feel like this, I know its really really hard. But you're not alone in these feelings. You're not pathetic at all.

Its fine for you to not fly, but you cant prevent your husband and kids flying. Are you expecting them to only go to destinations that you can get to by train?

Would it be so terrible for us to all go to closer locations for a few years so I don’t have to be so utterly miserable.

This would be completely selfish unless you are prepared to throw everything at this. Therapy, hypnosis, fear of flying courses, medication you name it. You can't just ignore it and let your family miss out if they enjoy holidays. Or they go without you.

My DH has a phobia of flying. He didn't used to be like this, when we first met he flew to the US for work a few times and we had several holidays abroad he didn't enjoy flying but got on with it. Then 15 years ago we had some turbulence on a flight and since then he has been adamant that he does not want to fly.
This is fine if it only affects him, but it has been very restricting for the whole family. We have teenage kids who have only been on a plane once, the oldest now has a fear of flying too. We do holidays in the UK, or France by ferry, or a cruise from Southampton. I am starting to feel very resentful because there is a lot of the world I want to see, and my kids have missed out on a lot too.
I have suggested several times that I will just take the kids away myself but DH isn't happy about it, and my oldest child is now refusing to get on a plane too (though she says she will if her dad comes too).
OP there is nothing wrong with choosing some holidays without flights or missing out on a few trips but please try to get therapy for your fear of flying so you can still manage to fly sometimes, when it means the most to your family.

I've no plans to make my family miss out anything. If I can't get past this (which I hope I can, as I've always flown before), I would of course let them go away without me.

This. Would you be ok for them to fly without you sometimes?

Ssorry. Just seen your update. You could also consider a fear of flying course. I have heard they are really good

The kids won't miss out at all. Holidays abroad weren't a thing not that long ago and kids still had great holidays on home turf. Devon, Cornwall, Wales, Western Scotland, North Yorkshire coast are all incredible places for holidays without the need for flying.

I'm going to say YABU because you don't appear to have taken any action to try to address this, and you want to impose unreasonable restrictions on your family because of your own irrational fear.

Bear in mind that you could end up passing this fear down to your DC if you don't do anything about it.

My DH also has a fear of flying and refuses to do a fear of flying course, go to the GP, try hypnotherapy, etc, and it's very frustrating. I'm having to do a holiday solo this year because of it, which is fine if that's what you want but for me it's not.

I did have a couple of bad experiences including a go round in the middle of a nasty storm, which was quite scary. Reading about the mechanics of flying, listening to podcasts by pilots, and even Big Jet TV helped me to feel more comfortable again. Safety regulations are so strict and the chances of being involved in a crash are miniscule.

It's really not the same. The weather for one thing is completely unreliable, and being in your own country doesn't really feel like a holiday to me.

Holidays abroad have been 'a thing' for decades now.

I'll post again because it seems some people haven't read everything I've said:

• I have no intention of limiting my family in any way whatsoever and my kids are teenagers and already love flying.
• I have done absolutely tons to address my anxieties (of which this is one) including years of therapy, which has some effect on some things, but sadly not this - yet at least.
• I am very happy to, and will, try further things I haven't yet tried like hypnotherapy.
• I have fought hard against this on every single flight I've taken for the last few years, including some long haul for work in a very senior role.

So yes, I feel like a huge failure for not being able to get on this one flight and will do everything I can. But telling me all the future things my kids might miss out is not hugely helpful today. And I agree with the poster above who says UK holidays aren't the same as hot ones - they're not.

@Hertsmum78please don’t beat yourself up because I have a real phobia of flying too. To the posters saying to ‘just get over it’, they don’t understand because they don’t experience it. It’s like telling someone with depression to just pull themselves together. It doesn’t work that way.
Also, what’s the big deal about children needing an abroad holiday that involves flying? That certainly wasn’t a thing in my day! We had just as much fun in this country!

@Hertsmum78could you get the train so that you can still meet up with your friends?

Thank you @rainbowstardrops. Yeah, the logistics don't quite work for me to go on the train - all booked up (probably because of the air traffic control issues).

Do you know what though? At least it wasn't your children you disappointed today. I understand your friends would have been disappointed, but they are adults.

I'm sending a big hug. I understand totally.

You can get all over Europe by train. There are far more "train destinations" than there are plane ones!

Stop flying because of the carbon

Yep, me too. I haven't flown since 2018, when I got a last minute flight to Venice on a child free week in August and landed in the middle of a heatwave (low 40s). It wasn't difficult to join the dots and think "How can I complain about this heat while I'm actively contributing to it?"

Plus- I never enjoyed flying. A combination of low level fear and the whole annoyance of the airport experience. Travelling by train is sheer bliss in comparison apart from the post Brexit Eurostar terminal experience

As for depriving your kids of experiences, I reckon that my DC see, do and experience way more on our multi stop trips round Europe than any on a fly and flop AI package!

Have you tried a fear of flying course, OP? Or something like taking valium just for the flight?

I’ve never done a fear of flying course because (I know this sounds mad), my fear isn’t of flying, it’s of the experience of turbulence. I know how safe flying is and how it all works and if a flight is smooth I am mainly fine. But I don’t believe there is a course that can make me fine with turbulence. I might give it a go because it can’t hurt but unless they can somehow guarantee turbulence and then somehow calm me down during it, it won’t work. I already know I can be calm on a smooth flight.

Holidays shouldn't be that hard. Plenty of nice places to go without flying. Trains are better for the environment aren't they.

I'm surprised by the number of people saying the OP is being unreasonable and unfair towards her family, by not wanting to fly. Particularly as she fears and hates it, and there are other forms of transport.
I avoid flying to massively lower my carbon footprint, it's one of the most impactful things an individual can do, and I've taken my kids on several train adventures, which they love. Particularly, if it's somewhere like France, really easy to get to by train. Byways Travel can get you to Morocco and Istanbul by train/ferry, and the travel is all part of the holiday, seeing interesting new places on the way. As someone else said, there are far more destinations to see by train, than by plane.

ourworldindata.org/travel-carbon-footprint

Or even ferry/ drive. We drove down through France to the Spanish Pyrenees last year ,spent a few nights in Bilbao and got the ferry back from Santander. It was amazing, even though as a LP I had to do all the driving.

This is probably the right moment to point out that under 12s get free Interrail passes, too.

Haven't read the whole thread, but in case someone else hasn't mentioned it, many of the airlines do therapy/courses specifically to help people with fear of flying. And I know you've said it's not so much the flying itself but the anticipation, but if you weren't afraid of flying you also wouldn't have that anticipation, so might well be with a try.

Update as @Hertsmum78 mentioned fear of turbulence: maybe try NLP or EMDR - you calibrate visualising and recalling (or imagining) the traumatic experience, and then use the techniques to lessen your response to that trauma. It's very effective in many situations, so likely worth a try for this.

My son is a pilot. I also used to be terrified of flying. I’d suggest you research a fear of flying course. They are great in helping you overcome your fear. My son has sat with me on a flight and explained every sound, movement etc and what turbulence is ( for now think driving your car down a bumpy road if that helps - uncomfortable but not dangerous).
What I’m trying to say is that understanding what’s going on as you fly, how many hundreds of hours flying experience even the newest first officer has and just generally how things work can help enormously to calm your fears. Then like me you might actually feel safer on a plane than on the road 😂 (which you actually are!) Good luck x