To stop flying because I’m scared?

[Hertsmum78]

Would really appreciate some perspective on this.

I’ve been awake all night, as I often am before going on holiday. This morning I’m flying to south of France for a holiday with friends and just do not want to get on the plane. I’ve never loved flying but was okay until a few years ago when a bad experience with turbulence set me back. I have flown lots of times since then but hated it, and it always causes me huge stress.

I logically know all the reassuring stats and I’ve had lots of therapy (not for this specifically, just generally).

I will get on the flight this morning because I can’t face the embarrassment with friends but I am already planning to come home by train and am increasingly beginning to wonder whether flying is worth it for me unless I can get past this. It basically ruins every holiday to a greater or lesser extent.

my husband and kids all love flying and we’ve been on lots of good holidays, including long haul. Would it be so terrible for us to all go to closer locations for a few years so I don’t have to be so utterly miserable.

I am generally a high functioning and competent person and this is my one area of weakness. I hate that I can’t seem to get past it.

all thoughts welcome, both from those who stopped flying and those who pushed on through!

I know your pain. My husband surprised me with a holiday the other day. I thanked him with a smile & simultaneously thought “oh fuck! This is the next few months tainted with worry”. I guess we’ve got to just get on. When our time is up it’s up. We could die on a place or choke on a meatball in Ikea. Who knows. Trust your life - we are where we’re meant to be on our path. Let’s just embrace it!

Exactly. I made myself ill, flying several times a year. Long haul, on my own some of the time. Every time I got on a plane, I genuinely expected to die. That fear can't be conveyed to someone who doesn't have it.

This worked for me until we had a series of aborted landings so terrifying that even the cabin crew were crying, and then hugging once we finally landed. I have to get on a plane in a few months and don't know how I'm going to manage it but don't want to make a fuss as everyone else was on the same scary flight. Wish there was a realistic alternative.

A friend did the British Airways course (in person) and found it very helpful: https://www.britishairways.com/content/information/travel-assistance/flying-with-confidence

I appreciate that this won't work for everyone, but his case seems a bit similar to yours in that he had a long history of flying without fear, then what seemed like unshakable fear and especially pre-flight anxiety and dread set in after a single very bad experience. In his case, though, his work and career depended on being able to fly periodically (trans-Atlantic). FWIW, he did say at the time that being able to draw on his own memories of flying without fear played a big part in overcoming his issues.

I always have Diazepam 5mg from my GP, and a small bottle of wine on a flight. Works a treat. I don’t fly often as I prefer to holiday with my dogs in the UK these days, but I did force myself to fly in years gone by as I didn’t want my fear to impact my children’s lives. I also travelled extensively when in my 20’s and found the more I did it, the less I cared, but it’s been a few years again and now I’ll only do it if I absolutely have to. I hate the build up too-going on holiday has never been my ‘thing’ it’s just a hassle to me. I love my home so much, that most of the time that’s where I’d rather be 😊 I also used to tell myself that … most pilots retire! Good luck 😉

I'm exactly the same OP. I really feel for you. It is not something you can 'get over'. Thank fuck noone has said 'you're more at risk being killed on the drive to the airport ', which obviously everyone with a fear of flying already 'knows' as does bugger all to make you feel better.

We drove to Switzerland last summer and a train is an excellent idea.

How do you feel about driving? I'm a safe and very confident driver, but I always consider that I may die, even every 10 minute trip into the city. That is a risk and a fear I can easily cope with. I much prefer driving than being driven.

I have a flying phobia …. It’s Pills, 2 large wines before I get on, earplugs in as soon as I sit down, eyemask on.. and I’m asleep before Take Off.

I'm the same. I'll see what people say. 8 have a huge amount of relief that the two flying holidays are out the way for this year and there are none more booked.

I absolutely get it. I used to have nightmares/sleepless nights for 3-5 nights before a flight. I remember sitting on a beach in Italy watching planes overhead and trying to imagine asking whether I could catch the train home instead. I did a fear of flying course which helped, but on my last flight (a completely uneventful short hop from Manchester to Guernsey) I decided that I never had to fly again unless I really wanted to. You can reach lots of lovely places by train - I've visited the south of France, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Austria and Italy. Flying is always an option for the future, but I decided I am going to give it a miss for a while.

No advice really op, just a lot of sympathy. I had a panic attack when I was much younger as our flight came in to land at Nice. Until then, I'd been fine. I've done several short flights, which I just about tolerate but we fly to Tenerife in a few weeks and I'm quite anxious. My youngest has never flown and is quite anxious generally (she's ND) so I'm just going to have to fight through it for her sake so she doesn't pick up on my anxiety. I've got some Rescue Remedy for her and will likely have an early morning glass of wine before I board. I'm not sure how I will manage the "everything is fiiiine and normal" act. We've got games to keep us entertained, but I really have to fight my mind to stop it from taking over. I'm an over-thinker generally, which doesn't help.

To be honest, for France I likely would consider alternative travel. Car/ ferry/ eurotunnel or train. It's cheaper too, if you're taking the whole family. But for anything further, I'm not sure what I'd recommend other than anti anxiety tablets.

I realise it’s too late for today, but you really should try hypnotherapy. It was an absolute game changer for me. I used to be terrified in the run up to flights, the dread spoiled my life and then no sleep the night before, petrified all round the airport etc. I only flew because I didn’t want to hold DH back from going abroad.

It’s so different now. I don’t have that awful fear and dread anymore and I’m focused on excitement about where I’m going instead of fear about how I’m getting there. It’s been brilliant.

Yes I do understand that. DSis has used hypnotherapy fairly successfully in the past 12 months, but it’s not foolproof for her. But she has realised that she’s just going to have to find a way. She hadn’t found a way yet, but a holiday has been booked.

My main point was that over the past 15 years it has been a major sticking point in her marriage. The reason she’s trying so hard now is that her DS is almost an adult and she’s terrified that he’ll be off travelling and she may not see him that often if he settles elsewhere. Also, her DH has compromised with UK- only holidays for most of their marriage. She realises it’s on her now.

I haven’t been on a plane since 1998. Used to go all over the world including as far as New Zealand. Now I have such fear of it I’d no more consider booking a flight on a plane than I would booking a flight on a rocket ship. And my life has carried on quite happily - we’ve done all sorts of great holidays not using a plane.

BTW I thought lots of French flights are cancelled today - hope you’re not delayed OP.

Get some therapy. A friends husband now refuses to fly and he has missed out on many holidays and it really restricts where they go as a couple.

My fear of flying is due to claustrophobia. I've only flown 2x since lockdown (there and back) and found CBD oil helpful. I always try to sit next to the doors and get off quickly.
I am trying not to worry about flights to Spain and back this summer.

I too had a terrible turbulence experience about 20 years ago and like you it massively put me off

I will say that by forcing myself onto few flights for a few years I have gradually got ok with it again

I don’t fly often, rarely more than twice a year but these days I don’t enjoy it but tolerate it ok. It’s the airport stress that I find worse these days.

I'm terrified of flying and will never get on another plane again. I just won't put myself through it any more.

As a single person their choice not to fly doesn't affect anyone but themselves but with a family it is unfair to choose not to fly and your kids will miss out but like anything up to you but if you were find with the decision I presume you wouldnt be posting on here in the first place about it

I've had this. The thing that helped was getting a serious illness. I am now afraid of not having lived my life to the full and the risk of death from my illness has put the risk of the flight (miniscule) in context. I don't enjoy the flight still but rarely worry about it in advance. I also have a glass of wine or two on the flight which helps. And I think about how many flights the pilot and crew have done. This is just another day at work for them

I haven't flown since 2008 and won't ever again. Must have flown a hundred times before The Fear decended on me.

There isn't anywhere I want to visit that can't be reached by train and/or ship.

I’m the same and as someone else said it’s the claustrophobia not the fear of crashing that scares me. I hate being in a tiny space with no way to get out/off. Same as lifts etc except you don’t have to stay in a lift for several hours ( hopefully !)

I cancelled the flight. I feel absolutely terrible about it (i.e. pathetic and ashamed of myself) but I just couldn't do it. Looked at the turbulence forecast which wasn't good and that sealed it. However scared I've been before, I've always managed to get on the plane.

This is how I feel and lots of people don’t get it. I’m perfectly fine until the wheels leave the ground and then I think I’ve made a horrible mistake and I’m definitely going to die today. It’s awful. However, the thing that I think keeps me doing it is the euphoria when we land, and I’m still alive, is massive and I think that must trick my brain into thinking it wasn’t so bad. 😕

I’ve really limited my flying for environmental reasons and I adore going by train. I did two countries via nine trains last month and it was fun. Eurostar to the south of France is very straightforward.

I only overcame my fear through doing lots of short haul flights. And I have to have a few Jack Daniels & cokes on the flight. I was always determined not to let me fear prevent me from seeing places that I really wanted to see.

Also, it really helps me to sit over the wing on an aisle seat.