Should a 5 year old be allowed out alone?

[bigyellowtaxi]

Am a regular but have namechanged...

Have I been unreasonable? Something happened this morning that I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about - and I'm not sure what to do next.
My DD was at a party this morning, and after, as we were driving away I saw one of her classmates (a boy, age 5) walking away from the party, he was probably 200 metres away from the party venue when I saw him. My first thought was that he had wondered away somehow without waiting for a parent to collect him, also he is new to the area so that increased my concern.
I stopped the car and got out to ask him if he was OK (he knows who I am), he said that he was, and that his mum had said it was OK for him to walk home alone. I asked him where he lived and he pointed to a nearby block of flats. So I watched him go in though the main front door, left and went home.

After I came home I was speaking to a friend, and she was horrified and thinks I should tell social work, if not them then the school, and if not the school then speak to the mum about it directly.

So my questions are:
Was I unreasonable to stop and speak to the boy - should I have maybe kept out of it? - I wasnt the first parent who had gone past him on the way home. Or was I unreasonable to have let him go from me? I half considered walking with him back to his front door.

Also what should I do now? My instinct is to do nothing. I think that it is unusual to let a 5 year old out in that way ( I have never seen any children that young out on there own before), but maybe not so unusual I should do anything about it. I think Social work would be a total overreaction, I'm not sure what it has to do with the school, and I cant see anything good coming out of a chat to the mother.

What would you have done? and what would you do now?

Idid say that you explained there were particualr circimstances.

Anyway, we'll jsut have to agree to differ on the basic principles.

I want my ds to play on his own, without me around. You don't. You can't understand why I see the need for him to do so; I can't understand why you don't see the need.

And by "you", I'm not actaully meaing you personally - I'm meaning you and all those who don't let their 7 yeard olds play unsupervised.

of course my 6 year old plays unsupervised. He just doesn't play in the street (because it is too busy). My 3 year old too.

My 9 year old doesn't play unsupervised as he isn't safe to do so.

Unsupervised where? Near a railway line or in a playroom? At a friends or mixing with some rough children who swear and have no bedtime?

riven, have they got ASBOs yet because if they haven't you have nothing to boast about.

riven, do you dye your hair? Should you really live in Bishopston, home of the middle class boho?

Give Mabs a break - lots of people who live in the country are in a similar position - no public transport, no one living within easy walking distance and you have to drive everywhere if you want to have a life. Not a recent phenomemon either - that's how I was brought up and it is hard for teenagers until they can drive.

I am suprised at the signing out though and those prep schools that do not allow children to leave on their own. My son and a good number of his year 6 peers get the bus home from his South West London prep school. By year 7 and 8 hardly any are collected by their parents.

I can understand that traffic is a big worry, I understand that if you live in an area without public transport you have to get the car out and take children everywhere, I understand that you might live in a rough area and I understand people's fears of abduction. I wouldn't have a problem if people were saying that they understood that children needed the freedom to learn by their own mistakes and they needed to be free from adult supervision for their mental health but sadly it wasn't possible. What I find utterly depressing is the view that children don't need this freedom and they need to be guarded all the time.

Well you know I have so much to worry about in RL that I can change and alter (as I'm sure do many) that I really don't spend the time analysing what I'm going to do because my 6 year old can't play outside. If he was 16 and unable to step outside the front door I might be concerned, but at 6? No bigger fish to fry.

As I said earlier I'm sure you're not lying awake worrying that your children aren't getting the positive experience of growing up with a severely disabled sibling (apparently very good for children for all sorts of reasons - provides them with the opportunity to develop all sorts of qualities). So you win some you lose some. Your children get to walk to the post box at 7, mine get to learn all about disability and difference and to accept people for who they are every day (and you know I've seen that difference that has in RL from about the age of 2 on various occasions).

I think to suggest that children who can't play alone out in the street at 7 are guarded is ludicrous frankly. It's been explained already on here that - except for reasons of disability (and I think we've done the all disabilities are different and 'normal' schools and 'independence' are not appropriate for all) - not being allowed out to play does not mean the children are supervised or hovered over all the time.

My god Jim jams,you hit the nail on the head there.
The differences i have seen in dd from having a disabled sibling and her views on the world, acceptance of others,any issues they have and her general demeanour are fascinating to watch. She even chose to do a talk re 'differences and acceptance' when most of her class did sport,music etc. I didn't hear it but her teacher said it was very enlightening.

(still wish she didn't have to tho )

It is a very valuable experience but in addition not as an alternative. At 6 yrs it isn't a problem-at 16 it is, so it has to be done in small steps.

I don't think anyone has said they keep a 16 yr old chained to the front door actually.Tho i wish i could as dd is particularly stunning and it would probably be safer in the long run

I am guessing than you an inferring they need to build up a knowlege of trotting to the post box etc (if there is one locally!) alone over several years so they can do things when they are finally 16. I still maintain imo, as do others, that it is not necessary to start at 5/6/7 yrs old tho.They are still babies then really.

Sadly, when you have an sn child the siblings learn compromise at a very early age i assure you. One doesn't always have the luxury of choosing the sibling's 'experiences' for various reasons, often as their sn bruv/sis has to have more of our attention for different reasons. My dd's school,for example, was chosen specifically so that she can ad hoc board when i am often in london at hospital with ds. Tho it is a marvellous school for many other reasons too,she loves it.

I may be alone in saying this,but somehow in the sn world i doubt it.

Aha- similar here MABS. We chose ds2 and ds3's school in part because of the excellent before and after care which allows me to be here to put ds1 on the school bus and meet him (not having worked out how to be in 2 places at once).

Here's something grabbed quickly from a frag X site:

Research on siblings of individuals with disabilities indicates that there are many positive aspects in being the sibling of a brother or sister with a disability. Researchers have found that children in families where a sibling has a disability have many of the following positive characteristics:

"The siblings may be more mature, responsible, self-confident, independent and patient; more altruistic (charitable), more sensitive to humanitarian efforts and have a greater sense of closeness to family.1,2
The interactions among the siblings may be more positive with fewer negative behavioral interactions than the interactions in families that do not include an individual with a disability.3
The siblings may be more tolerant of differences, have an increased sense of maturity and responsibility, and take a great deal of pride in the sibling's accomplishments.4
The siblings may develop greater leadership skills, especially in areas where understanding and sensitivity to human awareness issues are important.5"

So it looks to me as if they'll learn to the responsibility and maturity needed without having access to a postbox aged 7.

I'm sure ds2 and ds3 will be allowed outside the door before 16.

(am not up to speed with the thread at all but love your new posting name, jimjams )

ver interesting jimjams, v true indeed

It has sidetracked my point that it would be nice if people acknowledged that in an ideal world it is good for children's general development to be able to go off with friends on bikes to make dens in the woods etc without adult supervision even though you can't do it for the various reasons outlined earlier. Please note the use of the word ideal, I am not saying that you should do it!
I believe opportunities like the Duke of Edinburgh's Award Scheme, the Queen's Scout Award ,Outward Bound course etc are brilliant when teenagers. It is a way of giving independence in a controlled way.

totally agree re all those schemes - they are marvellous, dd does them.

Good we have agreement!
Perhaps that is the way to go then to give the freedom, rather than posting a letter! When my DS was 15 he went to Dartmoor on his own with 3 others.They had to navigate and camp and check in at various places. They didn't have an adult with them, they had to make the decisions and find the way. He won a bursary to an Outward Bound course around the same age and went to North Wales-not knowing anyone else on the course. He did a French exchange and stayed with a French family and we had his exchange partner here.(I trusted the school to vet all this). These are just a few examples of many.
This is an easy way to give some independence.

Phew - still trying to fathom why mabs got such a hard time on this thread. I have seen where she lives (admittedly through a drunken haze ).

We are in a similar situation in that a) we are remote, nearest neighbours at farm over the back b)we live on a dangerous lane with no footpath and c) my youngest son has SN and so the other three have had to miss out on certain things.

They are desperate to cycle to school, we sometimes walk but it is terrifying and life threatening so strangely I don't do it much.

As I sit and listen to the "thump, thump, thump" bass of the approaching boy racers who love to use our bendy country lane as their race course, the five or six holes in our hedge are examples of how many misses there have been.

I dread the day my boys want to bike/walk to the village.

I think the point I am trying to get across is that everyone's circumstances are different. Our life experiences are varied and sadly some have seen tragedies and accidents. These circumstances and experiences are what dictate the way we raise our children. How dare any one feel that they have any right to tell another parent what they should be letting their child do.

well said meghalegs

Thanks 2shoes. I don't get riled on here that often but this thread has really pissed me off.

me too. although no one jumped on me picking ds up have to get mummy time somehow. amazily I find out more in that 10 mins that the rest of the night.

When my lot start secondary ( a few years off still) They will have to be driven to the bus stop in the village, although there used to be one outside our house which me and my neighbour at the farm hope to reinstate.