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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

581 replies

Shardlake63 · 03/07/2025 09:10

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

OP posts:
BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:36

This is a wind up. Vegetables and gravy are served separately unless it's a casserole or stew-type dish, side vegetables to a roast wouldn't be served with gravy poured all over them. Has anyone ever been served veg like that?

Nice try!

ChwipDin · 03/07/2025 14:37

@BlueJuniper94 , I wouldn't be able to sit in a room with 20 plates of lamb dinner in it. The smell of it is revolting.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/07/2025 14:40

godmum56 · 03/07/2025 13:53

No she could not. What part of ALL PLATED do you not understand? They cooked 20 portions, they plated 20 portions, they put gravy on 20 portions.

Show quote history

The part where it's not a stew, so meat, gravy and veg do not HAVE to be plated together. Simply asking for a plate without gravy & meat seems reasonable.

Rabbitsockpeony · 03/07/2025 14:41

Howmanycatsistoomany · 03/07/2025 12:04

Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.

But your DH didn't think it was rude of them to have ordered a set menu with the only two things they know you can't eat? And he was happy to let you sit there not eating anything? They were all happy to let you sit there not eating anything after you'd travelled 200 miles to attend? What a bunch of arseholes.

💯

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/07/2025 14:46

ChwipDin · 03/07/2025 14:37

@BlueJuniper94 , I wouldn't be able to sit in a room with 20 plates of lamb dinner in it. The smell of it is revolting.

I love roast lamb, the smell is delicious 😋

sprigatito · 03/07/2025 14:48

I think people are being a bit mean and unrealistic to say that you should have made more of a fuss at the time. It was your in-laws’ party and it sounds like you had your DH there side-eyeing you and willing you not to rock the boat. The in-laws are firmly in the wrong here, particularly as they knew about your salmon allergy - even in terms of the lamb, I would say that if you are providing a set menu with no flexibility, it’s on you to ensure that that menu is appropriate for your guests. Basic hosting.

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2025 14:48

I’m team arsehole dh should have said of course you need a meal, my parents are thoughtless knobs, I’ll go order it.

the restaurant is also pretty shitty. Imagine refusing to bring you one meal. I really can’t imagine a restaurant doing that.

BigDahliaFan · 03/07/2025 14:51

I'd have ended up in the bar afterwards eating chips or cheese. My DH (who gets super hangry) would have excused himself and eaten upstairs if a meal was served where he could only eat pudding.

I sympathise.

Remember going with my MIL who cannot eat fish or shellfish to another relatives very posh dinner - set meal consisting of purely seafood. She nibbled politely on a bread roll while ignoring the glassy little dead eyed crustaceans staring at her.

It is difficult to make yourself the odd one out.

Takenoprisoner · 03/07/2025 14:51

Howmanycatsistoomany · 03/07/2025 12:04

Yes, I could have ordered a separate meal from the restaurant downstairs, but I would have had to eat it down there and leave the party, which my husband felt would be rude and not well received by the other family members.

But your DH didn't think it was rude of them to have ordered a set menu with the only two things they know you can't eat? And he was happy to let you sit there not eating anything? They were all happy to let you sit there not eating anything after you'd travelled 200 miles to attend? What a bunch of arseholes.

Agree. Your in laws and dh are the rude ones. You have a dh problem. I don't blame you for being upset.

Mumble12 · 03/07/2025 14:52

sprigatito · 03/07/2025 14:48

I think people are being a bit mean and unrealistic to say that you should have made more of a fuss at the time. It was your in-laws’ party and it sounds like you had your DH there side-eyeing you and willing you not to rock the boat. The in-laws are firmly in the wrong here, particularly as they knew about your salmon allergy - even in terms of the lamb, I would say that if you are providing a set menu with no flexibility, it’s on you to ensure that that menu is appropriate for your guests. Basic hosting.

Agree people here are berating her for making a fuss (which she didn’t) and not choking down something she doesn’t like, while others are saying she should’ve spoken up! Quite literally can’t right for doing wrong

MrsAvocet · 03/07/2025 14:52

BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:36

This is a wind up. Vegetables and gravy are served separately unless it's a casserole or stew-type dish, side vegetables to a roast wouldn't be served with gravy poured all over them. Has anyone ever been served veg like that?

Nice try!

Yes I have, and it's something I really dislike as I don't like gravy. It's not something that often happens in a good restaurant it's true but I have been served meals swimming in gravy in pubs, and at mass catering events like wedding receptions, work conference dinners etc on plenty of occasions. I usually ask for no gravy if I'm ordering a meal with meat,a pie or similar in a pub or restaurant but sometimes it comes anyway.

StrongandNorthern · 03/07/2025 14:56

'Late to the party' but - it was 'his' meal, not yours.
Reflect on this.

sprigatito · 03/07/2025 14:56

BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:36

This is a wind up. Vegetables and gravy are served separately unless it's a casserole or stew-type dish, side vegetables to a roast wouldn't be served with gravy poured all over them. Has anyone ever been served veg like that?

Nice try!

Yet another poster who insists that anything outside their own (incredibly narrow) range of experience isn’t real 🙄

Lots of pubs around here serve Sunday roasts plated with the gravy already poured on. It’s not my preference, but it’s hardly a rarity.

derxa · 03/07/2025 14:56

I always regret getting involved in threads like this. Absolutely pointless

Needmorelego · 03/07/2025 14:57

BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:36

This is a wind up. Vegetables and gravy are served separately unless it's a casserole or stew-type dish, side vegetables to a roast wouldn't be served with gravy poured all over them. Has anyone ever been served veg like that?

Nice try!

I have been to chain restaurants who have done that. It's pre plated up in advance.

BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:57

MrsAvocet · 03/07/2025 14:52

Yes I have, and it's something I really dislike as I don't like gravy. It's not something that often happens in a good restaurant it's true but I have been served meals swimming in gravy in pubs, and at mass catering events like wedding receptions, work conference dinners etc on plenty of occasions. I usually ask for no gravy if I'm ordering a meal with meat,a pie or similar in a pub or restaurant but sometimes it comes anyway.

Show quote history

@MrsAvocet Guess I've been lucky then! I can't think of a time that I've been served a roast with gravy poured all over it. Many people aren't keen on gravy or only like a small amount on certain areas.

I am surprised that the OP didn't say that she didn't want the meat and gravy part. If the restaurant was plating up meals, they could easily accommodate this. If this really is true, it was a pretty lousy restaurant.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/07/2025 14:58

I feel like there may have been some possible solutions.

  • Asking for veggies with no gravy
  • ordering a meal downstairs then bringing it up yourself
  • telling them you are a veggie and asking for a salad
  • Ordering a different meal to take with you home
  • etc.

But as it’s over I would let it go. It was one dinner. Did you enjoy it…no. Did it kill you… no. Is it worth ruining relationships over… again no.

beAsensible1 · 03/07/2025 14:59

It’s a bit weird for a set meal to have no alternative? Why did you not tell the restaurant you have an allergy so they could provide an alternative? Most people would.

I think it’s quite irregular to just sit there and not eat anything rather than advocate for yourself?

beAsensible1 · 03/07/2025 15:04

Shardlake63 · 03/07/2025 12:00

To answer a few questions, the starter was fairly small and my husband simply ate mine as well as his own. I didn't mind him doing this as I hate to see food wasted and thought I would simply fill up on the main course when it came.
My daughter was also with us and she and my husband helped themselves to some of my main course, so I wasn't sitting there with untouched plates.
The private kitchen was much smaller than the main restaurant kitchen and geared to preparing and serving only what had been pre-ordered. This was to avoid having to carry meals from the main kitchen upstairs and to ensure that everyone was served their food hot and at the same time.
Once I realised that I couldn't eat the main either, I did enquire about ordering a separate meal from the restaurant and whilst this was fine, I was told I would have to order it downstairs and be seated in the main restaurant. I didn't want to make a big fuss in front of everyone given that this was a special occasion and starting an argument about it was not really an option.
I do get on with my in-laws, but they are old school. They very much want - and get - their own way in most things and are unwilling to compromise.
I don't think they were being nasty, just thoughtless.

Most restaurants will be amenable if you mention an allergy as the potential fall out is very difficult

Mumble12 · 03/07/2025 15:07

BruFord · 03/07/2025 14:57

@MrsAvocet Guess I've been lucky then! I can't think of a time that I've been served a roast with gravy poured all over it. Many people aren't keen on gravy or only like a small amount on certain areas.

I am surprised that the OP didn't say that she didn't want the meat and gravy part. If the restaurant was plating up meals, they could easily accommodate this. If this really is true, it was a pretty lousy restaurant.

Show quote history

I think that assumes she knew in advance it was lamb. Which if she did, surely she’d have mentioned she didn’t like it. It sounded to me like she didn’t know what was coming until it got there

MyDeftDuck · 03/07/2025 15:09

I think they set you up…..they must have known about your salmon allergy surely and could at least have settled on two options for the main course. It would a very long time before I joined in any other of their celebrations if that’s how they treat people.

Movingonup313 · 03/07/2025 15:13

Sounds like there isn't a good DIL/PIL relationship already. If there was, and it was a genuine error, you would have had no issue saying something. You clearly didnt want the spotlight on you. Dietary requirements are ALWAYS checked, even for pre-bookef meals. Really odd this wasn't. FWIW I couldn't eat veg soaked/bathed in the gravy of an animal i cant stand the smell/taste of.
Move on though. Dont let it swallow up. They should be alert to your needs as their DIL. I hope they feel proud of themselves (if this was deliberate) for their selfish, childish and bullying ways.

ttcat37 · 03/07/2025 15:16

Teacaketravesty · 03/07/2025 09:17

I think you are a ‘fussy eater’ but that doesn’t make you a bad person! How awful that you couldn’t even have the side dishes. It does sound thoughtless of your in-laws, especially wrt your allergy. I guess they chose their favourite foods? I think I’d have asked the waiting staff to take your plate away & bring me something else, whatever they could, easily, but I can eat anything, even if I don’t like it, and do understand that when you can’t, it’s a sensitive subject and you don’t want to make a fuss.

Fussy eater because she doesn’t like one food? One? Is there not one single food that you don’t like? Are you a dustbin?

phoenixrosehere · 03/07/2025 15:16

I’m surprised no one asked what was on the menu beforehand and why that wasn’t provided by the host in the first place so there weren’t any surprises and people could decide for themselves and ask questions since it all had to be booked and ordered in advance.

The least that could have been done is a group text saying “hi, this is the set menu for xyz, if there are any issues, let us know by xyz date. Otherwise we will believe you are happy with this menu. Many thanks”

RubyBirdy · 03/07/2025 15:21

YANBU. It’s thoughtless at best. If it’s any consolation, my MIL invited me and my daughter over on my birthday and cooked us meat, when I’ve not eaten meat since I was 10 and my daughter has never eaten meat in her entire life 😂