Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really disgusted with SIL's behaviour

128 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 01/07/2025 15:14

I'll start off by confirming the usual MN response - yes, I really don't like my SIL. She has pulled so much crap over the years that I have known her, that I really dislike her. However, I have always held my tongue and tolerated her. We have now had an incident that might have just tipped me over the edge, but the thing is, it doesn't really affect me. It's just another example of her entitled, spoilt and narcissistic behaviour which makes me really not want to have anything more to do with her.

SIL is single. Never been married, never had kids. She has however, been having a 'relationship' with a married man for the best part of 20 years. They had been dating, but he then decided that he wanted to marry someone that wasn't her. But rather than end things with SIL, he decided to keep her as his bit on the side, and she was happy to go along with that. He gave her the usual spiel - he married the wrong person, he didn't really want to be with his wife, he was going to leave but needed to wait until the kids were older, etc etc. This went on for 20 odd years, with her taking the scraps offered to her and waiting for the magical moment when he would leave his wife. Finally that moment came. Only problem is, it wasn't SIL that he left for, it was some other poor sucker who had also fallen for the same story. No idea how many others there may have been.

SIL is now beside herself. Posting all over social media about how she has been let down, betrayed, she's going through a trauma etc. Totally playing the victim. In my view, this was completely predictable and she is just as much to blame as him. Hasn't given a second thought about the wife and kids that are the true victims in all of this.

Like I said, this really has no impact on me, but I am just so sick of her 'poor me' behaviour and am finding it really hard to have any sympathy whatsoever, and it's just generally left me feeling quite sick that she has such a low moral compass. I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental?

YABU: It's got nothing to do with you and you should just let it rise above you and not judge
YANBU: This is really disgusting behaviour and you are perfectly within your rights to not wish to engage with a person with such a low moral compass and has been a pita the whole time you have known her

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2025 15:17

Yanbu to judge her behaviour. However it feels a bit harsh to have known about the affair for years and years and still engaged with her despite her behaviour...but want to stop engaging with her now that she is upset its ended. Of course she is going to feel upset, she has been used...irrespective of her behaviour also being horrible

ilovesooty · 01/07/2025 15:17

Presumably you felt the same way about her before the relationship ended?

DramaQueenlady · 01/07/2025 15:18

As you said its nothing to do with you, and it really isn't. You can have your opinion of course. You really dislike her fair enough, but really just get on with your own life.

Mintsj · 01/07/2025 15:19

Just keep well away from her. She sounds awful.

ilovesooty · 01/07/2025 15:20

And you can always block her on social media if you don't like her posts.

Painrelief · 01/07/2025 15:21

Not your circus not your monkeys . Leave her to it .

PeapodMcgee · 01/07/2025 15:21

Can't you just go low contact and ignore her? You don't have to "give your reasons"

MounjaroMounjaro · 01/07/2025 15:23

That guy really pulled a fast one on her, didn't he? He will have made promise after promise and she wouldn't have known what to think. I'm not excusing her at all, but it sounds as though she's been played by an expert.

ExtraOnions · 01/07/2025 15:30

She’s upset .. regardless of the circumstances, she’s upset. Let her get it out of her system, be in posting or whatever … you don’t have to engage with it, leave her to it.

hannahbanana93 · 01/07/2025 15:32

Okay yeah an affair for 20 years doesn't paint her in the best light but she sounds like she has extremely low self esteem and self worth to have put up with that for 20 years.

I think your over reacting though, like you said, it's nothing to do with you really. Let her grieve this relationship she clearly desperately wanted however she wants. You don't have to say or do anything really. You said you don't like her so I don't imagine you have that much contact with her anyway, if she brings it up just nod and say "that must be hard for you." and leave it at that.

ilovesooty · 01/07/2025 15:33

Yes, she'll be upset. I hope she has some people in her life who'll understand that, since the OP evidently doesn't.

Praying4Peace · 01/07/2025 15:36

MounjaroMounjaro · 01/07/2025 15:23

That guy really pulled a fast one on her, didn't he? He will have made promise after promise and she wouldn't have known what to think. I'm not excusing her at all, but it sounds as though she's been played by an expert.

This
Hope her story serves as a warning to others who are involved with a married man. No happy ending

IsawwhatIsaw · 01/07/2025 15:43

Another cautionary tale of a woman choosing to be lied to and strung along.
Ok she did wrong, but this is really bleak .

MsCactus · 01/07/2025 15:44

God what an awful man to have strung her along for 20 years like that AND betrayed his wife and family. She must have quite low self esteem to have gone along with that...

But tbh it's nothing really to do with you, I'd leave her to it.

MrsRandy · 01/07/2025 15:45

You’re well within your rights to go out of your way to avoid her. You’re also well within your rights to mute or remove her off social media.

My guess is she has extreme low self respect and esteem hence hanging around a married man for 20 years waiting for things to change. Although I don’t agree she is the main victim in this, I somehow do see why she would be upset. She was sold life of promises and next year I’ll finally leave the wife.

TheWonderhorse · 01/07/2025 15:47

I don't really understand why this particular incident is the problem for you OP. Of course she's upset, she's been lied to and strung along and wasted 20 years of her life to the man with the promise of a happy ever after. If she wasn't upset then that would be more concerning.

It's odd that her getting dumped is the reason you won't speak to her, when you kept contact throughout the affair.

sesquipedalian · 01/07/2025 15:48

So would you feel differently if cheating love rat had left his DW for your SIL? It’s fine to be judgemental but I can only assume it’s her “poor me” behaviour that you’re judging, if she’s been carrying in with this man for twenty years!! Do you think cheating love rat thought he could keep your SIL as his bit on the side? I do hope his new woman is aware that for this sort of man, marrying the mistress creates a vacancy! Frankly, it seems to have been a narrow escape for your SIL - the person to feel sorry for is his wife, and also his DC. As for how you treat SIL - just the same, I would have thought. You say she always has been entitled, spoilt and narcissistic - so what’s changed? For the sake of your DH, I’d just carry on as before.

Ihopeyouhavent · 01/07/2025 15:49

Whats it got to do with you? Doesnt impact your life. Just unfollow on SM.

DryDay · 01/07/2025 15:53

Serves her right for having an affair with a married man - and for 20 years for goodness’ sake.

Detach from all of this - it’s nothing to do with you. Look the other way and let her get on with the consequences of the choices she has made.

zanahoria · 01/07/2025 15:53

not sure if it is reasonable or unreasonable but definitely worth having a good old rant about it

CorvusPurpureus · 01/07/2025 15:55

If you expressed your opinion 20 years ago & distanced yourself then, then it's no problem just to keep the same distance now.

If you've maintained an ostensibly friendly relationship all these years - then you're choosing to kick her when she's down.

Not sure I'd want either of you as a mate.

DiscoPig · 01/07/2025 15:55

What they said. Why is it now, since she's been dumped by her affair partner, that is the problem for you, not the 20-year affair?

Unfollow her on social media. She's just a connection via marriage. If you don't like her, I assume she's not expecting you to provide her with a shoulder to cry on? It's a bit weird that you (and the whole family?) knew about this 20-year affair...?

Sassybooklover · 01/07/2025 15:57

Your SIL has been played like a fiddle. Strung along, by a married man for 20 years, who then leaves his wife for another woman that's not her. He clearly had your SIL on the side, plus at least one other woman. I agree with others, she has a low self-esteem and self-worth, to have gone along with this man's antics for all these years. Regardless of the circumstances, she's going to be utterly devastated, suddenly the penny has dropped, she's been used. I agree she's hardly shown herself in a good light, and hasn't thought once about this man's wife or children, in the past 20 years. You are within your rights to decide to have low contact and hide/block her on social media. Personally, I would ignore her the best you can, hide rather than block her on SM and if she discusses the situation with you in person, make the right noises and give generic polite answers.

ThatCyanCat · 01/07/2025 16:00

You don't have to like her, approve of her behaviour (his marriage was his responsibility though and he's clearly a manipulative lying arsehole), feel sorry for her or be her emotional support at this time, but honestly I don't see what's really changed from your perspective. She's the same person as before so if you were happy to "engage" on whatever level while the affair was ongoing, I don't see why you suddenly wouldn't now that the affair is over. Why is she less deserving now that she's been dumped?

I'd just stay at whatever level you were at before to keep the peace. And just mute her on socials. Is she expecting a ton of support from you? Seems unlikely if you've never been close.

GinToBegin · 01/07/2025 16:03

zanahoria · 01/07/2025 15:53

not sure if it is reasonable or unreasonable but definitely worth having a good old rant about it

I feel the same. The whole affair thing is bad, but she’s clearly invested a lot into it and is now upset and flailing around.

Honestly, I would just mute her on social media, and if you have to deal with her face to face and it comes up, just acknowledge that she’s upset and leave it at that. But there’s clearly a lot of history here, and I absolutely would not be indulging or engaging with any fuckery from her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread