Page 5 | To be really disgusted with SIL's behaviour

itsgoodtobehome · 2025-07-01T14:14:18+00:00

I'll start off by confirming the usual MN response - yes, I really don't like my SIL. She has pulled so much crap over the years that I have known her, that I really dislike her. However, I have always held my tongue and tolerated her. We have now had an incident that might have just tipped me over the edge, but the thing is, it doesn't really affect me. It's just another example of her entitled, spoilt and narcissistic behaviour which makes me really not want to have anything more to do with her. SIL is single. Never been married, never had kids. She has however, been having a 'relationship' with a married man for the best part of 20 years. They had been dating, but he then decided that he wanted to marry someone that wasn't her. But rather than end things with SIL, he decided to keep her as his bit on the side, and she was happy to go along with that. He gave her the usual spiel - he married the wrong person, he didn't really want to be with his wife, he was going to leave but needed to wait until the kids were older, etc etc. This went on for 20 odd years, with her taking the scraps offered to her and waiting for the magical moment when he would leave his wife. Finally that moment came. Only problem is, it wasn't SIL that he left for, it was some other poor sucker who had also fallen for the same story. No idea how many others there may have been. SIL is now beside herself. Posting all over social media about how she has been let down, betrayed, she's going through a trauma etc. Totally playing the victim. In my view, this was completely predictable and she is just as much to blame as him. Hasn't given a second thought about the wife and kids that are the true victims in all of this. Like I said, this really has no impact on me, but I am just so sick of her 'poor me' behaviour and am finding it really hard to have any sympathy whatsoever, and it's just generally left me feeling quite sick that she has such a low moral compass. I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental? YABU: It's got nothing to do with you and you should just let it rise above you and not judge YANBU: This is really disgusting behaviour and you are perfectly within your rights to not wish to engage with a person with such a low moral compass and has been a pita the whole time you have known her

Thatsalineallright · 01/07/2025 21:19

The OP has the moral high ground though, unless she's cheated before herself.

It's ok to judge people on their behaviour. Someone who lies and cheats or helps others to lie and cheat is not a person to keep close.

It's ok - in fact it's sensible - to try to surround yourself with people who don't lie and cheat. If they can do it to one person, they can do it to you.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 01/07/2025 22:16

It's your dhs sister? I guess you being married and having children (assumed from how u speak about her not having "either" )makes you feel somewhat superior. Almost like on epf those smug marrieds?
It sounds like she is ina mess. If you donr like her, you can juts keep your distance and hopefully her brother or othe friends may be able to support. She may start to feel her part in it or not, but kicking someone when thye are down is abit crap on your part I'd say.
Maybe better to examine your own perfect life before judging others... you may find a glass house.
Unless you really do have a perfect life..

BernardButlersBra · 02/07/2025 07:18

I think it's hilarious! It's safe to say she got her comeuppance. What goes around, comes around

ThatCyanCat · 02/07/2025 07:24

BernardButlersBra · 02/07/2025 07:18

I think it's hilarious! It's safe to say she got her comeuppance. What goes around, comes around

So what's coming round for the man who lies to and uses women?

IberianBlackout · 02/07/2025 07:26

@sidetosidebackwards I get what you’re saying, but if they’re not interested in settling down then why pursue men already in relationships? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just have something casual with someone single? Unless maybe it’s some subconscious way of avoiding commitment, maybe?

PluckyChancer · 02/07/2025 07:33

Wow! So the SIL has been actively strung along by a man for over 20 years and instead of directing your hatred towards him, you’re blaming her as one of his serial victims and name calling her etc?

You’re clearly not a kind and supportive SIL yourself, so not sure why you think you’re so superior just because you’re married with kids.

CreationNat1on · 02/07/2025 07:37

He made the vows, she didn't.

Yellow rock her, rise above it.

ThatCyanCat · 02/07/2025 07:45

IberianBlackout · 02/07/2025 07:26

@sidetosidebackwards I get what you’re saying, but if they’re not interested in settling down then why pursue men already in relationships? Wouldn’t it make more sense to just have something casual with someone single? Unless maybe it’s some subconscious way of avoiding commitment, maybe?

It's fucked up, and I've no idea if it applies in this case, but some women see a man being attached as a kind of seal of approval. It's not wanting what you can't have as such, it's more the idea that if he's single there might be something wrong with him but if he's married then he must be worth having.

Of course, there's something very wrong with him if he's shagging around and cheating on his wife. I didn't say it was sensible. But it's not uncommon. I think women often aren't fully aware that that's the draw.

Original poster

itsgoodtobehome · 02/07/2025 08:08

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply. There have been some really insightful and helpful comments.
Just to address a few:

I genuinely didn't know about this man and his situation. She did date from time, so I just assumed she was very fussy and none of them ticked her boxes.

I absolutely agree with people who suggested that seeing this guy was an avoidance tactic. She is extremely immature, and I think she was subconsciously avoiding the whole being a grown up and getting married and having kids thing by being caught up with him. As many have suggested, it's now too late for her at least to have kids (she's in her 50s).

For those expressing sympathy, she is an absolute attention seeker, so in her own weird way, she is loving the attention this brings her. She hasn't directly posted about the situation on SM, only the usual cryptic "I have been so let down" "I'll never trust anyone again" nonsense so that she gets all the usual 'what's up hun' stuff. This is a woman who announced the birth of my child on SM before I had even had a chance to speak to my own family!

Also for those saying I should have more empathy - there is obviously a long backstory, but much of it involves her insulting and being extremely rude to her brother (my DH) - sending out abusive messages late at night when she is drunk.

Yes, I know that all of this behaviour masks some serious self loathing and low self esteem, but as I said in my OP, this is the latest in a long line of stuff and it really is the final straw. As many have said, not my circus, not my monkeys, and not my problem to try and fix.

And yes, I am venting and ranting. It's helpful to do it in an anonymous forum rather than people involved, so I make no apologies for that.

Thank you.

OP posts:

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 08:23

itsgoodtobehome · 02/07/2025 08:08

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply. There have been some really insightful and helpful comments.
Just to address a few:

I genuinely didn't know about this man and his situation. She did date from time, so I just assumed she was very fussy and none of them ticked her boxes.

I absolutely agree with people who suggested that seeing this guy was an avoidance tactic. She is extremely immature, and I think she was subconsciously avoiding the whole being a grown up and getting married and having kids thing by being caught up with him. As many have suggested, it's now too late for her at least to have kids (she's in her 50s).

For those expressing sympathy, she is an absolute attention seeker, so in her own weird way, she is loving the attention this brings her. She hasn't directly posted about the situation on SM, only the usual cryptic "I have been so let down" "I'll never trust anyone again" nonsense so that she gets all the usual 'what's up hun' stuff. This is a woman who announced the birth of my child on SM before I had even had a chance to speak to my own family!

Also for those saying I should have more empathy - there is obviously a long backstory, but much of it involves her insulting and being extremely rude to her brother (my DH) - sending out abusive messages late at night when she is drunk.

Yes, I know that all of this behaviour masks some serious self loathing and low self esteem, but as I said in my OP, this is the latest in a long line of stuff and it really is the final straw. As many have said, not my circus, not my monkeys, and not my problem to try and fix.

And yes, I am venting and ranting. It's helpful to do it in an anonymous forum rather than people involved, so I make no apologies for that.

Thank you.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you having a rant about someone who’s been vile to you for years and then feeling righteous when that person is hoisted by their own petard. It’s amazing how many pps are more worried about your SIL than they are about the man’s wife and children who barely get a mention. You have to wonder about their back stories. Do you, live your life, be happy with your morality

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 08:39

You have to wonder about the back stories of people who can have some empathy? You need to look up the meaning of empathy.

OP, rant away, but in real life would you sound judgemental to say the reason you won't engage with her is because you are absolutely disgusted by her low moral compass? Well of course. Would you have sounded judgemental had you stopped engaging with her because she abused your husband. No, you would have sounded like someone with sensible boundaries.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/07/2025 08:50

She's experiencing what is called disenfranchised grief

Just because her relationship wasn't moral by normal standards doesn't mean she isn't hurting

She probably saw herself as a Camilla patiently waiting to be queen and probably loved him a lot.

She's hurting.

Yes she's not been sensible but she still has feelings.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/07/2025 08:51

DryDay · 01/07/2025 15:53

Serves her right for having an affair with a married man - and for 20 years for goodness’ sake.

Detach from all of this - it’s nothing to do with you. Look the other way and let her get on with the consequences of the choices she has made.

King Charles has given the bit on the side women false hope

Thatsalineallright · 02/07/2025 09:19

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 08:39

You have to wonder about the back stories of people who can have some empathy? You need to look up the meaning of empathy.

OP, rant away, but in real life would you sound judgemental to say the reason you won't engage with her is because you are absolutely disgusted by her low moral compass? Well of course. Would you have sounded judgemental had you stopped engaging with her because she abused your husband. No, you would have sounded like someone with sensible boundaries.

I'm disgusted by some people's moral compass. I judge anyone who lies, cheats, steals, hurts people etc. Just because I'm not the specific victim doesn't mean I ignore it and don't care. How far do you take your "don't judge" idea? For example, would you refuse to judge a convicted criminal because you're not involved?

deeahgwitch · 02/07/2025 09:27

I agree with you @Thatsalineallright

PepsiForEva · 02/07/2025 10:30

User37482 · 01/07/2025 19:48

Probably a bit more exciting than a full time proper boyfriend. Bit like a kink imo.

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Yes this is true of some people. I have never been propositioned more in my life than I was in the first few weeks of my marriage. By i think- 4-5 different men. (All of whom were also married).

And a former good friend likes to 'take away' other women's husbands. For her it is about validation. She likes to boast she can have any man she wants. It's why we are not friends anymore. When I was young I thought it was dodgy shit behaviour but liked her company. Eventually once I saw the pattern I could not stomach her anymore.

Myrobalanna · 02/07/2025 11:06

Something has to have gone seriously wrong for her at some point to end up in this position. I hate the sort of posting on social media you’re talking about, I hate attention-seeking people, but oh god what a life.

Has she had any happiness of any sort?

Well, you don’t have to deal with someone you don’t like or respect - not saying you need to try to help her. And being the OW is not without blame. But I think she’s probably more damaged than you can take in.

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 11:16

Thatsalineallright · 02/07/2025 09:19

I'm disgusted by some people's moral compass. I judge anyone who lies, cheats, steals, hurts people etc. Just because I'm not the specific victim doesn't mean I ignore it and don't care. How far do you take your "don't judge" idea? For example, would you refuse to judge a convicted criminal because you're not involved?

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Exactly. But, apparently, according to some PPs we should be showing people who don’t care about hurting others and have a pattern of toxic behaviour towards us and those we love far more empathy when karma bites them 😏

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 11:37

deleted as duplication

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 11:38

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 08:39

You have to wonder about the back stories of people who can have some empathy? You need to look up the meaning of empathy.

OP, rant away, but in real life would you sound judgemental to say the reason you won't engage with her is because you are absolutely disgusted by her low moral compass? Well of course. Would you have sounded judgemental had you stopped engaging with her because she abused your husband. No, you would have sounded like someone with sensible boundaries.

The meaning of Empathy:
The ability to see things from another's perspective and feel their emotions putting yourself in the shoes of the other person

Personally this would be very hard for me with OPs SIL because:

I have never had an affair with a married man behind his wife’s back.
I have never willingly carried on sleeping with a married man and dating him after he being married to someone else, had children with his wife, hoping all the while he would leave them for me.
I have never sent my brother or sister in law nasty drunk messages in the middle of the night or upset my sister in law so much over the years that she takes to Mumsnet to have a rant about me.

oh and my back story is that I’m happily married, love my life, good health, no kids out of choice and happy with this.

Original poster

itsgoodtobehome · 02/07/2025 13:25

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 11:38

The meaning of Empathy:
The ability to see things from another's perspective and feel their emotions putting yourself in the shoes of the other person

Personally this would be very hard for me with OPs SIL because:

I have never had an affair with a married man behind his wife’s back.
I have never willingly carried on sleeping with a married man and dating him after he being married to someone else, had children with his wife, hoping all the while he would leave them for me.
I have never sent my brother or sister in law nasty drunk messages in the middle of the night or upset my sister in law so much over the years that she takes to Mumsnet to have a rant about me.

oh and my back story is that I’m happily married, love my life, good health, no kids out of choice and happy with this.

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@R0setheHat just nailed it!

OP posts:

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 15:20

No. That's not nailing it. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes without needing to refer to your own personal experiences. It is not about you. That's the point. It is the ability to understand someone else's feelings without having to have had them yourself because you've not been there. That's why you have to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It is not sympathy. It's neither condoning nor condoling. This is why, despite having the same back story as you and not the SIL, I can have some empathy for a person who's boyfriend then met and married someone else but said he'd made a mistake and would leave once the kids were ok etc. and strung this along for 20 years and then dumped them all and when off with a completely different woman. I can see why the SIL feels betrayed, and will be in actual pain and don't need to use "moral disgust" to cover over my pleasure in seeing her in that pain. Just own it and be honest with yourself.

Thatsalineallright · 02/07/2025 15:28

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 15:20

No. That's not nailing it. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes without needing to refer to your own personal experiences. It is not about you. That's the point. It is the ability to understand someone else's feelings without having to have had them yourself because you've not been there. That's why you have to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It is not sympathy. It's neither condoning nor condoling. This is why, despite having the same back story as you and not the SIL, I can have some empathy for a person who's boyfriend then met and married someone else but said he'd made a mistake and would leave once the kids were ok etc. and strung this along for 20 years and then dumped them all and when off with a completely different woman. I can see why the SIL feels betrayed, and will be in actual pain and don't need to use "moral disgust" to cover over my pleasure in seeing her in that pain. Just own it and be honest with yourself.

Interesting. So then again I'll ask you, where would you draw the line. Do you feel empathy for a criminal going through a hard time?

In an earlier comment you seemed to say the OP is right to dislike the SIL for insulting her husband but not right to dislike her for being the OW for 20 years. Why is an insulting text worse than helping a man lie and cheat for 20 years.

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 15:35

I haven't read the other responses, so if you are asking me again, I will tell you what I would have said first time - there is no one on this planet (and so no point coming up with a list of the world's most criminal people) that I could not theoretically find empathy for and I don't draw lines. It depends. The OP is right to dislike her SIL for whatever reasons the SIL has made her dislike her. You can still have empathy for someone you dislike.
OP's question: I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental? Why not just try giving honesty a go? That's a rhetorical question from me as geuninely don't have time to engage further. Good luck.

R0setheHat · 02/07/2025 15:42

joliefolle · 02/07/2025 15:35

I haven't read the other responses, so if you are asking me again, I will tell you what I would have said first time - there is no one on this planet (and so no point coming up with a list of the world's most criminal people) that I could not theoretically find empathy for and I don't draw lines. It depends. The OP is right to dislike her SIL for whatever reasons the SIL has made her dislike her. You can still have empathy for someone you dislike.
OP's question: I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental? Why not just try giving honesty a go? That's a rhetorical question from me as geuninely don't have time to engage further. Good luck.

Bye bye 👋