To be really disgusted with SIL's behaviour

[itsgoodtobehome]

I'll start off by confirming the usual MN response - yes, I really don't like my SIL. She has pulled so much crap over the years that I have known her, that I really dislike her. However, I have always held my tongue and tolerated her. We have now had an incident that might have just tipped me over the edge, but the thing is, it doesn't really affect me. It's just another example of her entitled, spoilt and narcissistic behaviour which makes me really not want to have anything more to do with her.

SIL is single. Never been married, never had kids. She has however, been having a 'relationship' with a married man for the best part of 20 years. They had been dating, but he then decided that he wanted to marry someone that wasn't her. But rather than end things with SIL, he decided to keep her as his bit on the side, and she was happy to go along with that. He gave her the usual spiel - he married the wrong person, he didn't really want to be with his wife, he was going to leave but needed to wait until the kids were older, etc etc. This went on for 20 odd years, with her taking the scraps offered to her and waiting for the magical moment when he would leave his wife. Finally that moment came. Only problem is, it wasn't SIL that he left for, it was some other poor sucker who had also fallen for the same story. No idea how many others there may have been.

SIL is now beside herself. Posting all over social media about how she has been let down, betrayed, she's going through a trauma etc. Totally playing the victim. In my view, this was completely predictable and she is just as much to blame as him. Hasn't given a second thought about the wife and kids that are the true victims in all of this.

Like I said, this really has no impact on me, but I am just so sick of her 'poor me' behaviour and am finding it really hard to have any sympathy whatsoever, and it's just generally left me feeling quite sick that she has such a low moral compass. I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental?

YABU: It's got nothing to do with you and you should just let it rise above you and not judge
YANBU: This is really disgusting behaviour and you are perfectly within your rights to not wish to engage with a person with such a low moral compass and has been a pita the whole time you have known her

20yrs?! 20 YRS?! And he's married 2 other people? Oh my god. Please never let me be so low in self esteem
I'm guessing once he is old and crumbly she will marry him and think she has won

She hasn't behaved very well for the last 20 years but:

He has behaved many times worse and I can't help feeling a little bit sorry for her.

And ... you've tolerated her for many years as a married man's mistress and now she isn't, so it's a bit incongruous to shun her now. Hide her on social media and if she brings it up just say you don't want to talk about it.

What an absolute shit of a man he is. Poor wife!

You’ve been judging her from the beginning and disgusted by her behaviour, yet now you need to give a reason to distance yourself?

You could have unfollowed her ages ago since you don’t like her and obviously aren’t close to her.

You don’t have to do or say anything. You can ignore, mute and unfollow family members like the rest of us without comment or fanfare.

Hide her on social media.
Much less angst, and if this has been going on for 20 years she won't change now.

I think what has happened to her is quite common for a long standing mistress.

It does seem a bit much I suppose, to be posting as she is social media. Not least because I’d assume she’s at least in her 40’s, rather than a teenage girl. Just mute/remove her and stop giving it any headspace. It’s really not your problem, in any capacity, for which you should be entirely grateful because that situation is a whole circus.

Unfollow her on social media. How much in person contact do you have with her anyway? She's bound to be upset and embarassed at the realisation she's been played for 20 years by this idiot. But if youre not seeing her sm you don't have to interact with it and can get on with your own life.

Totally get it, you’ve bitten your tongue for years, and this might just be the final straw. It’s not about being judgemental, it’s about having boundaries. Her behaviour is awful, and it’s okay to step back from someone whose choices constantly make you uncomfortable. You don’t owe her your time or energy just because she’s family.

What im getting from this is a woman with low self esteem has been used and abused by a man for 20 years and at the last hurdle has been used and thrown away like scrap. I'd be looking after her not condemning her.

I had a colleague who did this. Long term bit on the side for a married man who eventually left his wife AND her for a third woman. Ten years after the 'relationship' ended, she couldn't talk about him without getting weepy.

What a waste of her life. I mean, really. I couldn't help feeling that part of the attraction for her was that he was someone else's husband.

YANBU, by the way.

YANBU and your SIL has got what she deserves. She certainly doesn’t deserve any sympathy and clearly she didn’t give a cr4p about his wife when she was the (or one of a number) bit on the side. I’d steer clear of her.

Reminds me a bit of a couple I used to work with. He, let’s call him Dan, was the office boss, and she, let’s call her Milly, was head of admin. They had a historic relationship but had broken up a few years prior and were now with other people. Milly was married with a small baby under 1 and Dan was living with his girlfriend. They started up a relationship again behind their significant others backs and then dumped their OHs to get back together and got married as soon as her divorce came through. Thing is, Dan was sleeping with other women during all of this and had a reputation with his female employees for being a complete sex pest. He tried it on with every female he could. One of my friends who I worked with there still talks about the day Dan got his dick out when she went with him in his car to see a client. She declined the offer! Everybody knew about Dan’s behaviour except Milly. It was farcical. He even got one lady who worked for him pregnant and she had a termination. Milly seemed completely blind to his behaviour behind her back even though it was going on right under her nose (and sometimes on her desk after hours) and bought all his lies. Milly found condoms in Dan’s work briefcase once and actually believed him when he told her they belonged to a male friend. To top it all, Milly was also really vile to any attractive female employees she saw as a potential threat in the workplace and tried to make trouble. I heard they stayed married for about 20 years, had 7 kids and then one day out of the blue, he left her, divorced her and married someone else. She didn’t see it coming.

It baffles me, if they cheat on someone with you, they’re going to do it to you and it’s just desserts. When will people learn.

I agree with you. This is actually incredibly sad. She needs support.

This! You’re looking at her SM, letting it make you fell “sick” and then offloading about it. Don’t follow her job done.

Sadly she is reaping what she sowed. Just stand back and ignore it all.

I didn't know about the affair until he left his wife for another woman. It's only all just come to light now. Prior to that she kept it quiet.

I just really don't want to have to engage with her any more, but if I give my reasons, does it just sound like I am being judgemental?

Why do you have to "give your reasons"? Just disengage as much as you can. Mute her on the socials for a bit.

If you "give your reasons" you are being as tedious as dramatic as her.

Just to clarify. None of the family knew about this man until he went off with the third woman. That's when it all came out. Hence I have no sympathy and no interest in the situation. She is unfollowed on SM, but I'm dreading the next time I have to see her as I just don't think I can stand to be around her now that I know this about her.

I’d feel sorry for her to be honest, she must have incredibly low self-worth and self-esteem. She’s wasted her youth on this horrible man and is now unlikely to ever have kids (if she wanted them) and will have to start out all over again trying to find a long-term partner.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to engage much with her but you can do that in a low-key way without “giving your reasons” and generally kicking her when she’s down. It must be awful to be in her situation.

Sleep with rats, get fleas... She's wasted her life and feels like a fool but that isn't your problem. She knew what she was doing.

Poor woman. She’s been in love with this man for all those years and she’s been treated like shit on his shoe.

It’s commonplace of course as the married “good” woman to judge her; she’s wanton, shameless, serves her right etc etc.

And yet the man walks away scot free.

I think the OP understands her all too well and isn't at all fooled by her 'woe is me' performance.

By all means avoid being around her. But "giving your reasons" is just going to result in her playing the victim even more, and causing trouble for your DH.

I would be judgemental in your case - I dropped a friend for that kind of behaviour. But talking about it in your family will just cause trouble.

And of course, as other PPs have said, on one level maybe she has been coerced, lied to, etc etc, for two decades. And wasted that time on him.

You sound like you are enjoying her misfortune and having what you perceive to be the moral high ground.

Why can’t you extend compassion to this woman who whatever she has done is going through hell. No doubt you are confident that karma won’t catch up with you.

Why would him dumping her suddenly make you want to go low contact?

Be careful up there on your high horse. You've known about this for 20 years but NOW her moral compass is bothering you, you don't have to like her, but there's no need to kick her while she's down just to make a point and feel superior.

This. But although i agree she should NEVER have played around with a married man- he was playing her. And using her. I have some human sympathy for her.... she must have been deep in hope and denial for an awfully long time and he has screwed her life up, and the life of his poor wife. If she believed him and felt/ hoped, prayed it would work out then she has had a pretty awful 20 years. I agree with others about her self esteem being pretty bad to have put up with it.

Do you know what a wonderful thing to do, is? Read all the OP's posts before you reply!

OP has not known about this for 20 years.